Before waving farewell to Frank Lampard next summer, his employers may wish to put a price on replacing a man capable of scoring 20 goals from midfield in four English seasons on the spin. Oh, that’s right, there isn’t one.

All Roman Abramovich’s money cannot buy another Lampard because here, at least, he does not exist. Cristiano Ronaldo will have to keep up last season’s scoring form until May 2010 to equal his consistency. Steven Gerrard has exceeded his record only once in those four seasons, in the 2005-06 campaign, during which his total was bulked up by seven goals in Champions League qualifying matches against Total Network Solutions, of Wales, and FBK Kaunas, of Lithuania.

Lampard’s detractors, of which there are strangely many, certainly when he plays for England, dismiss his scoring feats as the work of fortuitous deflections, in which case, what a lucky boy he must be: 83 deflections since August 2003. There have been 50 Premier League deflections, five Carling Cup deflections, nine FA Cup deflections, 11 deflections in the Champions League and eight for England. Last year Ronaldo, a more aesthetically pleasing player, scored 23 in all competitions for Manchester United, but the year before his aggregate was all but half that. Lampard’s quality is his relentlessness.

His bravery, too. For a man who is notoriously thin-skinned and turns each perceived slight into the kind of grudge that made the Montagues and Capulets such problem neighbours – witness the way he has escalated a little local difficulty when returning to Upton Park into a war with supporters at his former club, West Ham United – Lampard never hides when he is on the field.

Despite an international scoring record that has tailed off alarmingly – he was the England fans’ Player of the Year in 2004 and 2005 and now the same group would not have him in the team – Lampard never stops trying his shots, never shirks from making his runs into the area. In the years when Didier Drogba was finding his footing in English football and not always succeeding, Lampard’s goals propelled Chelsea to back-to-back titles. Take them away and the pressure on the strikers would have been overwhelming.

What separates Lampard from the rest is his willingness to go that extra 12 yards. There are many midfield players who get up to the penalty area; and that is where they stay. It is as if that 18-yard area is protected by a wall, so the shots stay long-range. Lampard can do that, but he is also not frightened to break the barrier, to carry on and enter the six-yard box, too. That is why he causes chaos and perhaps why he is often seen as charmed.

Yes, a defender may get the last touch before the ball crosses the line, but only in desperation because Lampard has upset the natural order. It sounds simple, but it cannot be, or the elite clubs of the Premier League would be top-heavy with midfield players capable of scoring 20, 22, 20 and 21 goals in a season.

If Chelsea wish to consider what it will cost to replace Lampard, calculate a price for Ronaldo or Gerrard. There isn’t one because Manchester United and Liverpool will not sell. So Abramovich has two options. He either cuts a deal or keeps the player to the end of his remaining two years, writing off any transfer fee. The third way is beyond even football’s wealthiest benefactor: he cannot buy what Lampard brings to Chelsea.

Grand gesture followed by a million regrets

Monday, August 6 Lee Cook donates £250,000 after signing for Fulham to help his former club, QPR.

Friday, August 10 Flavio Briatore, whose wealth is estimated at £70 million, is revealed to be in negotiation with QPR about a £25 million takeover. D’oh!

Hair today, gong tomorrow at Anfield?

It is a bit early for Footballer of the Year nominations, but my vote goes to the Liverpool player who took one look at Rafael BenÍtez’s ’tache and goatee and christened him “Max” after the bouncer in Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

Neil Warnock has always claimed that he does not demand that his players go out to break legs. It is just something he shouts. And this week he said that the verb “hate”, which clutters his autobiography, is another meaningless expression.

“Dislike is more accurate,” he says. “I think ‘hate’ is just a Yorkshire thing.” No it isn’t. To tar a county with using it as a form of casual punctuation is as self-serving as arguing that to wish serious injury upon a member of the opposition is acceptable banter.

Meanwhile, The Independent gave Warnock the task of previewing the new season: in the Championship. Ouch, that has got to hurt.

French whine clearly made from sour grapes

Arsène Wenger, complains that his team are placed at a disadvantage by this week’s Champions League qualifiers. It means they will be a game behind Chelsea and Manchester United, who have Premier League matches on Wednesday. There is a way around this: finish where Chelsea and United did.

Davies takes lead in football’s blame game

David Davies has been putting football to rights. His main grievance is that administrators could not agree on key objectives. As a former executive director and chief executive of the FA, it raises the same question as the column in which Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington warned News of the World readers that 200 al-Qaeda operatives were loose in Britain, months after standing down as head of the Metropolitan Police. Namely: so whose bloody fault is that?

Host of problems await athletes in Beijing

In China with England in 1996, the pollution was appalling. Returning in 2003 to watch David Beckham play for Real Madrid, it was worse. Yet Olympic organisers seem surprised that endurance events at the Beijing Games may have to be postponed. What do these committees consider when they visit prospective host cities? Not the athletes, that’s for sure.

Chairman left chasing lost cause at Bolton

Phil Gartside, the chairman of Bolton, gave a radio interview on Saturday in which he rubbished former manager Sam Allardyce, who was returning that afternoon. Bolton were going to play more football this season, Gartside said. Fans had become bored with the old style. By half-time, Allardyce’s Newcastle were 3-0 up. File that one in the folder marked “Not so clever now, are we?”

Say Leeds and Ridsdale is still smiling . . .

Peter Ridsdale is writing a book about his Elland Road experiences with Steve Dennis, who aided royal butler Paul Burrell with his memoirs. It is nice to know that somebody is still doing well out of Leeds.

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• Graham Spiers