Your football club is not special. Sorry. Your football club is not unique, it
is not different and is no more distinctive and romantically captivating
than any of the little quadrangles with floodlights littered throughout our
land. Sorry.
Do not get me wrong, I know you think that it is special. I get that. I
understand that, to you, your club is magical and wonderful and no outsider
can hope to empathise with its complex and inimitable nature. You believe
that no other club exists with the same passion or emotion and your
sincerity is appreciated. It is just that, well, you are wrong. Sorry.
Whether blighted by tragedy or blessed by glory, whether filling a stadium
with tens of thousands or surviving on a pittance and the devotion of a
handful of diehards, just as you feel about your football club, so do
millions of others. Everyone thinks that they have the prettiest wife at
home, as Arsène Wenger said. Everyone thinks that they have the love
supreme. But if everybody is special, then nobody is. So, Liverpool: not
special. Manchester United: not special. Luton Town: not special. West Ham
United: not special. Newcastle United: not special. Sorry.
Kevin Keegan talked a grand game in his opening address at St James’ Park. He
divided the country into us and them: the good guys being the hard-toiling,
blue-collar communities of the North East – bless them, for they are the
salt of the earth – while beyond lie the London-based media and
theatre-loving types who are against him, sneering and mocking and never
knowing what makes his football club so rare. And at first his words seemed
clever.
How smart instantly to tap into the shared humanity of the region, the vain
belief that one little square of land is in some way superior to another
patch 50 miles away, that its people have different and worthier values and
aspirations. But on closer inspection, there is only one conclusion. Keegan
had better have more than a chorus of Blaydon Races in his locker or
it will be a long road ahead.
A few years ago, Derren Brown, the psychological illusionist, performed a
trick in which he interviewed a group of strangers individually for a short
period, to build up a distinctive mental profile. He then went away and
wrote up these singular reports, handing them at random to the group. There
were no names on the envelopes, but the instruction was to read what was
inside and if a person believed that he had received his profile he should
swap with a neighbour.
To a man, everybody attempted to change. And here is the trick. Each report
was the same. There were no individual profiles, just one duplicated study.
Brown played on human vanity, on our belief that we are special and
different, to prove that we are basically the same. For instance, he wrote
that the person in question was such a perfectionist that he sometimes
struggled to achieve his aims. We would all like to believe that. We would
all prefer to think that it is our quest for perfection that leads to
failure, not ineptitude or inadequacy. And that is how it is at Newcastle.
They love the No 9 shirt on Tyneside and this is beguiling, but every club has
its quirks, its iconic figures, memories and meanings that set it apart. In
truth, the Toon is kidding itself. Equating failure to win a serious trophy
since 1969 with a special affinity with cavalier football is just as flawed
as the conviction that the best team lost the title in 1995-96, when
Newcastle blew a 12-point lead.
In fact, Manchester United, the eventual champions, beat them home and away
that season, with an aggregate score of 3-0. Southampton defeated Newcastle,
too, as did Chelsea, West Ham, Arsenal, Liverpool and Blackburn Rovers.
Indeed, in his previous time as Newcastle manager, when the team was in the
top division and strong enough to win a trophy, Keegan lost domestic
cup-ties against Wimbledon, Luton, Manchester City, Everton, Arsenal,
Chelsea and Middlesbrough. There were high times and exciting times, yes,
but not every moment was perfect. Far from it.
Keegan got a special welcome on Saturday, too, but when the match began, it
was not enough to inspire a win over Bolton Wanderers. Newcastle regards
itself as a club apart because, in almost 40 years, what else could define
it but the intangible? Unfortunately, the Premier League is not school
sports day. Everyone is not a winner and nobody is special, despite what
King Kev may tell the faithful.
Arsenal must not win
Usually it is easy for the neutral to cheer on Arsenal. They play beautiful
football and rarely take a backward step. What is not to like? For once,
though, in the Carling Cup semi-final against Tottenham Hotspur, it would be
good if the better team lost.
Arsenal do not truly care for this competition. Wenger uses it merely to give
experience to his fringe and youth-team players and if they lose, no
problem. Even when his team reach the final, he stays committed to the
experiment.
Yet the second-leg matches this week are intriguing because, for three of the
four teams, winning would be a huge deal. Juande Ramos has his eyes on
Europe and on winning a trophy within six months of taking charge at
Tottenham, while Everton deserve finite reward for the excellent work of
David Moyes as manager. Avram Grant will send out Chelsea’s first team
because he is playing catchup with José Mourinho, who always knew the worth
of the least fashionable domestic tournament.
If Wenger could reach the final again with his kindergarten team, it would be
a fabulous achievement, but this is not what Arsenal are about this season.
For the renaissance of the Carling Cup to continue, it must be won by a club
who truly value it.
G’day to you too, mate
I would like to thank the readers who expressed concern for my mental health
after I failed to be bowled over by the appointment of Kevin Keegan at
Newcastle United. Most particularly, David Moodie, of Wikiki, Western
Australia – although he may mean Waikiki, which is a suburb of Perth –
who wrote: “Whatever your problem is, mate, get over it and try to look for
a few positives in life. What a sad guy.”
Mr Moodie can rest assured that each morning I rise with a song in my heart to
offer a prayer of gratitude for all the many positives in my existence, the
first of which is that I do not live in Wikiki, Western Australia. I did
have a rough night on Friday, though. I dreamt I was in Perth and could not
find the return ticket.
Diarra’s reality check
Lassana Diarra signed for Portsmouth and was talking of leaving as he walked
through the door. “The people here know I will not spend my life at this
club,” he said. “If I shine, a really big club will want me.” Except Diarra
was at a big club, Chelsea, and then he was at another, Arsenal, and neither
wanted him because, plainly, he was not good enough. He arrogantly believes
Portsmouth to be a stepping stone. More likely, he has found his level.
Talk about dedication
Havant & Waterlooville’s win over Swansea City was not the only cup shock
last week. In the FA Youth Cup, Carlisle United knocked out Manchester
United in front of a crowd that included Sir Alex Ferguson. Isn’t that
incredible? Not Carlisle’s win, but Ferguson, whose team are top of the
Barclays Premier League, taking time to watch his youth team in action
against unfashionable opposition. Take a good look, missus, there will never
be another.
Why Brown is available
Wes Brown is out of contract at Manchester United this summer. Buyer beware.
He looks good at right back in the best defence in the country right now,
but there will be no central defensive pairing as strong as Rio Ferdinand
and Nemanja Vidic at his next club and no presence as lively as Cristiano
Ronaldo to occupy opponents who would normally attack down his flank. Brown
at any other club could be a very different player. United are prepared to
lose him to a rival and they would not do that without reason.
martin.samuel@thetimes.co.uk
