If Alan Shearer is serious about managing Newcastle United, there is only one place to begin his apprenticeship: anywhere but St James’ Park.

The Southampton job is available, so maybe he could make a play for that. Hell, he could even pitch up at Sunderland if Roy Keane ever decides that he would like to spend more time with his dog. Just not Newcastle, and certainly not in some role that has been concocted with Kevin Keegan because neither wants to be the man to tell the town that its dream partnership is not made in heaven.

Nobody learns how to coach by popping to the training ground once a week to give Michael Owen tips. Nobody learns about pressure by being an ambassador. That is a job for retiring managers, not prototype ones.

Increasingly, Keegan and Shearer look like unhappy teenagers forced into a shotgun wedding. All pretence of romance is gone. There is a reason why some people lose touch and the moment it became clear that men with so much in common, who had worked together professionally for a number of years, no longer spoke, the idea of collaboration should have been abandoned. Instead, it was fostered, because for either to put the truth on the line would risk alienating the local fan base.

Keegan’s appointment was all about creating a mood of positivism after the dour times under Sam Allardyce and to dismiss the chance of bringing Shearer to the party would have sounded a sour note. Once Keegan had proffered the hand of friendship, however, Shearer had to play along or risk appearing unwilling to help his beloved Newcastle enter this brave new era. To refuse would have ruined his relationship with the supporters and, with it, his long-term prospects of becoming Newcastle manager.

Now, the two are trapped. At their first meeting it was decided Shearer would not be assistant manager — quite rightly, because Keegan cannot risk being overshadowed by another Geordie icon, leaving his players in any doubt over who is in charge — but could go away and fashion his own role. What pointless fudge. What a waste of time. Management is about decision-making, and what real decisions will Shearer make in his position as window-dresser-in-chief for the Keegan regime?

His reduced presence is hardly a vote of confidence anyway. If Shearer was side by side with Keegan and the mission failed, he could hardly remain the popular choice to succeed him. So if he is to survive this relationship he needs to be near enough to bask in the glory if all goes well, yet not so near to be tainted by any failings, which means he cannot really take responsibility for anything, and what use is that?

If Shearer was overlooked as manager this time because he did not have enough experience, what will have changed in three years as an accessory? He will be no more prepared for the post than an extra would be ready to take on Hamlet. He needs a proper apprenticeship, a job in which the buck stops with him, in which he sends out his team, makes his mistakes and enjoys his highs and lows.

He does not even need to make a mighty success of it. This is not a trial. Shearer’s worthiness as Newcastle manager cannot be judged on whether he wins promotion at Southampton, or saves Mansfield Town from relegation. His relationship with the club transcends that. He just needs experience, which will not come from indulging the fevered fantasies of others, but from following his own.

Eriksson keeps the faith

It has been reported that Sven-Göran Eriksson was a client of Clara Romano, a self-styled faith healer and exorcist. A cheque from Eriksson was allegedly discovered by investigators following up on accusations of fraud and tax evasion against her. “You will meet a tall, dark stranger,” she said. Unfortunately he turned out to be working for the News of the World.

What a waste of money

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• Graham Spiers