WELL, WE FINALLY got one on Sunday. Came in from the garden and there it was on the doormat, looking very proud, what with being the first.

Vote for me, it said. As if. Still, it was nice to be asked. I was beginning to think nobody would. Out here we are the election wallflowers, all dressed up, tingling with anticipation, but slinking away at the end of the night, alone and ignored.

We’re not marginal, you see. You’ve got to be marginal these days. It’s the new black. Everybody who is anybody is marginal. Safe is just so last season. Safe is so out. Safe is so, well, safe. Time was, the major parties would humour us. They might turn up in the high street, shake a hand, snuggle a baby, pop a leaflet through the letterbox, ring the bell to discuss an issue or two. They would pretend we mattered even when we didn’t.

These days, they know the truth, we know the truth, they know we know, and they just don’t care. Tony Blair said that the votes of a few hundred people could decide this election. He was exaggerating slightly, but the basic premise was correct. If you live in one of the 425 constituencies in England, Wales and Scotland that the Electoral Reform Society say could be declared this morning without a qualm, for you the pretence of involvement in our democratic process is over. Excuse me while I add that fact to my list of Things That Should Provoke Revolution But For Some Reason People Are Happy To Let Slide. It is getting quite big now.

We hear a lot about voter apathy, but less than ever on how to attack it, beyond transient, inconsequential movements such as Rock the Vote.That the young people of Britain feel motivated to choose pop idols ahead of prime ministers explodes Blair’s education, education, education pledge, but addressing generation no-X is only a small part of the problem. If getting teens to vote is stage one, stage two is how to keep them voting once they are worldly enough to realise that in two thirds of the country their trip to the polling booth is as relevant as Melanie C’s new album.

Even the Liberal Democrats appear to have abandoned proportional representation and voting reform as a central plank of the manifesto, just at the time when it is most vital. According to the ERS, in addition to the 425 dead rubbers, there are 54 more that need a 7 per cent swing to change, and are therefore easier to call than any sports event this year (bar the Ashes). At best, 800,000 citizens of any age will get a chance to truly rock the vote on May 5. So maybe the debutant abstainers have a point. First past the post might be the way to sort Joe Pasquale from Paul Burrell or Ant from Dec, but it is far too frivolous to be trusted with the serious business of government. No other large nation in Europe uses it, and few large democracies, except America: and we all recall how well it worked there.

Tactical voting merely offers an illusion of choice. This is how it works. You don’t like the guy, you don’t trust the guy, you don’t agree with his policies or possibly his moral code; but you vote for him anyway because to vote for the politician you really support would be as good as not voting at all. Only in our system does this damnable trade-off masquerade as democracy; only in Britain does the idea proliferate that an anti-war, pro-civil liberties voter should, in some places, give his support to a pro-war, anti-civil liberties government, just to stop an even more right-wing party getting in. Under a PR system and it really is this simple, folks — a vote for the (anti-war, pro-civil liberties) Liberal Democrats would count. Every vote would count. In that way, it would bring our democracy in line with the best of reality television. Well, we can dream.

If you have ever watched Celebrity Big Brother, you will have noticed how desperate the contestants are for your support, how they mug and preen and schmooze and charm. Politicians used to be like that. Now they all have an e-mail from central office in their back pocket setting out today’s dull message, with a dire warning not to upset any of the 2 per cent of voters who might have a say in forming the next government; most of them in Dorset. The rest of you are invisible.

Important place, Dorset. Dorset South, Dorset West and Dorset Mid & Poole North are all marginal. If you see a politician around east Dorset, he’s either passing through or lost. Nobody cares about east Dorset — or Christchurch, as it is known — with its Conservative majority of 13,544. It is like my corner of Essex. You could shoot a cannon down the high street and not so much as wing a politician. Believe me, I’ve tried.

In today’s Populus poll, 82 per cent said they had not been canvassed at the door, while 92 per cent said no major party had contacted them by phone. The all-party excuse is a lack of volunteers and resources, yet this election has been in the diary for years. To be caught cold now is like Tesco being shocked by the need for more shelf stackers at Christmas. If you ever find your candidate, ask him this. If the Free Advertiser and six J-cloths on sale or return can get poked through the door weekly, why can’t he find a few spotty 14-year-olds to deliver his leaflets for a tenner once every five years? Considering he fancies organising a country, it shouldn’t be that hard. And if he can’t be bothered, why should you?

Anyway, is that the post? Ooh, how exciting. The English Democrats and the British National Party. Now that is what I call a dilemma. My BNP candidate looks like Himmler’s batman. How could you vote for a guy like that? The appalling truth: it wouldn’t matter if you did.

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• Graham Spiers