But somehow it seldom turns out that way. There are just too many possibilities for drama, intrigue and comedy. Here are the seven types of warm-up, as experienced by England teams over the years.

The instant embarrassment

Touring team take the field, still mildly jet lagged, for gentle one-day curtain-raiser against Some Bigwig’s XI, which means a couple of creaky veterans and a few young bucks. Touring team lose heavily and become the butt of much local gloating. This happened to Nasser Hussain’s squad on the 2002-03 Ashes tour at Lilac Hill, near Perth. Mike Hussey, now the bulwark of Australia’s middle order, steered the ACB Chairman’s XI to 301, while England stuttered to 243.

Even more damagingly, Stephen Harmison bowled seven wides in a row before going for treatment on a nasty wound to his pride. Friday’s match against the Prime Minister’s XI in Canberra is the equivalent banana skin this time.

The Cinderella story

In 1990, Graham Gooch’s revamped England team played Windward Islands in St Lucia. The Windwards made 317, whereupon the pitch began to turn sharply. On came Mervin Durand, a small, self- effacing electrician who had not played a first-class match. He bowled some tidy slow left-arm and England self-destructed. They were all out for 126 and Durand walked off to give the first interviews of his life with figures of seven for 15.

Following on, England rallied, but the Windwards hung on to win by one wicket. The match had no ramifications. Durand returned to obscurity as rapidly as he had left it, taking only seven more wickets in his career. England, stirred but not shaken, pulled off one of the great upsets by beating West Indies in the first Test.

The sly irrelevance

The locals serve up pitches that, while interesting in themselves, bear no resemblance to the one for the first Test. Australia used to be the masters of this, sending England into the unique conditions of Perth (bright light, big carry, strange wind) for three weeks, then whisking them 3,000 miles east to, say, Hobart, where the weather and pitch would be more like Derby. Then they would go north to Brisbane, back to heat and bounce, although not much like Perth, for the first Test.

Thankfully, this rigmarole has been dropped, but something similar could happen this time, with the three-day warm-ups taking place in Sydney and Adelaide, Australia’s most spin-friendly Test grounds, before the first Test in Brisbane, which offers turn only for Shane Warne.

The total farce

Touring team use too many players. Hosts go into sulk and refuse to give them the practice they shamelessly seek. This appears to be the case with England’s three-day match against New South Wales in Sydney starting next weekend. Duncan Fletcher, the England coach, has permission to use up to 16 players and Stuart MacGill, the pugnacious New South Wales leg spinner, has reacted with his customary diplomacy.

“The one thing that needs to be said about the game is that it’s not a proper game of cricket,” MacGill spluttered. “If we win the toss and decide our guys need a bat, we’ll bat for three days.” Interesting that he assumes New South Wales would be able to bat for three days against eight England bowlers.

The serious setback

Eight months ago, England were in Baroda to play the Indian Board President’s XI. Marcus Trescothick, who had just taken over as captain from the injured Michael Vaughan, left the ground in tears and flew home. The explanation given was first “family reasons”, then “personal reasons” and finally “a stress-related illness”, which kept Trescothick out of the ICC Champions Trophy. England lost by eight wickets and had so many injuries that Kevin Pietersen was prevented from batting by Fletcher on the ground that he was fully fit and it did not make sense to risk adding him to the sick list.

The crafty ruse

Touring team play like drains against state sides before turning it on when it matters. England did this in Australia 20 years ago. Without a win in 11 Tests, they lost heavily to Queensland and had the worst of a draw against Western Australia, leading Martin Johnson, of the Independent, to write that they had “only three major problems — they can’t bat, can’t bowl and can’t field”. They duly won the first Test in style and retained the Ashes with a match to spare.

The solid non-event

Touring team declare on 350 for six, with all main batsmen getting an hour in the middle. Hosts manage 260, with star bowlers sharing the wickets. Touring team rattle up 180 for two. Hosts shape to collapse but then play out the draw. No examples come to mind, but there must have been one, mustn’t there?

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