1. That John Prescott certainly has a way with the ladies.
2. Give it to Steve McClaren, he seems like the man for the job.
3. Peter Crouch for Eng . . . Peter Crouch for Eng . . . No, I’m sorry I can’t do this one.
(Come on, Mart, keep it together. You can get through this. They’re just words, that’s all. Take them one at a time and it won’t seem so bad.) Peter.
(See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?) Crouch.
(Only two to go now.) For.
(Nearly there.) Eng . . .
For Eng . . . Peter Crouch for Eng . . . Oh, this is no use. Petercrouchforengland. There. I’ve said it. Feel better now.
I know what you’re thinking. Hell, I know what I’m thinking and it’s my name at the top of the page. But hear me out. This is a time for pragmatism and if England are to stand any chance of winning the World Cup, we must return from the utopia in which broken bones miraculously heal with a wave of the wand or a good kip in an oxygen tent and play the hand that has been dealt.
Sven-Göran Eriksson has injuries of increasing severity affecting four senior players a matter of weeks from a big tournament and the sooner he stops fantasising and begins planning for life without them the better. England Lite will work best with Crouch at centre forward. Strange, I know, but true.
Were Michael Owen, Ashley Cole, Wayne Rooney or Ledley King to be proven fully fit before June 9, then happy days; for now, Eriksson must presume that they will not be joining the party. At the moment he is clinging to optimistic medical bulletins in the way a child grasps a security blanket.
On Sunday he said that he spoke to Rooney’s agent and was given encouraging signs. This is like getting the latest bird flu update from Bernard Matthews. Paul Stretford is flushing a fortune down the tubes if Rooney stays at home, so of course he will wish to keep the hopes of a nation — not to mention Rooney’s sponsors — buoyed for as long as possible. Pull out now and the last thing Rooney did in his new Nike boots is blow a championship and miss a World Cup. Anyone for a pair of Metatarsal Loser 90s?
Cole played 25 pain-free minutes for Arsenal on Monday, six fewer than Owen managed before wincing his way off for Newcastle United against Birmingham City. Even if these players pull through the final games of the season, serious doubts remain over their readiness for a tournament as intensive and demanding as the World Cup.
As English football found to its cost in 2002, a half-fit superstar is not super or starry at all. David Beckham’s penalty brought revenge over Argentina, but he played to a fraction of his potential in the other matches and missed the tackle from which Rivaldo scored Brazil’s equaliser in the quarter-final.
However, since Rooney left Stamford Bridge on crutches on Saturday, Beckham’s recovery from a metatarsal injury in a shade more than seven weeks has been cited frequently, minus the important postscript that, in retrospect, it would have been more sensible to have used another player, fully fit.
If Owen’s reaction times are dulled, he becomes less effective than Crouch used in a way that makes the most of his talent; Cole would be at a severe disadvantage against the best right wingers in the world, unless at the top of his game, and would be better replaced by Jamie Carragher. Rooney has the impact of two men, so two are needed to replace him. The bottom line remains: there is a way out of this. Tactically, Eriksson needs Christmas to come early.
England know how to play 4-4-2. If miracles happen and Eriksson’s first choices are available, he can revert to his tried-and-tested formation at 24 hours’ notice and the players will slot in. No one is suggesting a radical overhaul of England’s game plan for the sake of it. Yet if we are analysing the worst-case scenario (and with England, this is often advisable), it is plain that Eriksson’s approach is seriously weakened when applied to his shadow forward line.
Jermain Defoe or Darren Bent playing off Crouch is strictly B international fare. Defoe and Bent are not in Owen’s class at international level, while expecting Crouch to operate as Rooney does would be foolish. Without Owen and Rooney, the prime goalscorers in England’s team are midfield players and it is there that Eriksson should look for answers.
The Christmas tree (4-3-2-1) would make the most of Crouch’s ability to play with his back to goal, while minimising his failings as a scorer and maximising the decisive strengths of his team-mates. Joe Cole could be played off him to the left, Steven Gerrard to the right, in positions not dissimilar to those occupied at club level. The midfield would then be a tight three of Beckham to the right, Frank Lampard to the left, with Michael Carrick holding the middle. The back four would remain unchanged, except for Carragher at left back.
When defending, Gerrard and Cole could be withdrawn to make a midfield five, with Crouch working hard to stop opponents bringing the ball out from the back. In attack, Gerrard and Cole would feed off Crouch’s strength in the air and his superior link play, with Lampard breaking forward from midfield and Carrick covering him.
Crouch brings quality to the build-up play, but there is no point pretending that he will score the goals required to win a World Cup. That is his short-coming. He has ten in all competitions this season, the same as Cole from Chelsea’s left wing, while Lampard and Gerrard have 20 each. Yet Crouch, who would not make many fantasy squads were Owen and Rooney fit, is the ideal target-man and facilitator for England’s midfield. If he can get the odd one himself, so much the better.
There is a precedent for this. In 1998, France were stricken without Christophe Dugarry, the striker, who was injured in the second group match against Saudi Arabia. Having tried David Trezeguet alone and in partnership with Thierry Henry, for the final three matches, Aimé Jacquet, the coach, settled on Stéphane Guiv’arch, an unexceptional presence — as Newcastle United fans will testify — whose talent was to hold the ball up for an imaginative midfield that included Zinédine Zidane, Youri Djorkaeff and Emmanuel Petit.
No France striker scored after the group stage or against any opponents from Europe or South America. France won the World Cup.
What cannot be denied is that, even without Ashley Cole, Eriksson’s England remain formidable defensively. If World Cup success then has to be built on keeping a tight shape and winning by one goal, so be it. This is not our choice. We would have loved to have arrived in Germany with a dazzling forward line-up and given Holland or Brazil a beautiful game. The fact is, even when this has been a possibility, Eriksson has often preferred to hang on for grim death.
Considering the fuss that is being made over Rooney’s absence now, it is ironic that this is the same player Eriksson removed from the action with 20 minutes remaining against France in the 2004 European Championship finals, a decision that cost the match. A cautious approach, with a big, awkward striker and the scoring burden placed on midfield should therefore be second nature to him. It is not as if he is being asked to take a risk.
There is another important issue at stake. If the hand-wringing around Rooney continues for much longer, the players who are available are going to get the message. Eriksson is on record stating he has no replacement for Rooney, Gerrard or Beckham, but only to a bloke on a hired yacht, who he thought had the keys to Villa Park; it is unlikely he takes the same message into the dressing-room.
The desperation in the wait for Rooney and friends smacks of the malaise that used to affect English cricket in the days of an injury-prone Darren Gough. Before the most recent Ashes series in Australia, there were daily “will he, won’t he” bulletins about Gough’s availability, which must have undermined the confidence of those due to play, considering realists believed that he had more chance of making a career as a ballroom dancer than bowling in the first Test in Brisbane (and were proved right).
Compare that sorry scenario with the third Test of the recent tour to India, when a desperately understrength England team found reserves of character, determination and skill to level the series in Bombay.
Sport inspires heroism from the unlikeliest quarters. Remember Phillip Price defeating Phil Mickelson as Europe won golf’s Ryder Cup in 2002, or the amazing triumph of rookies Paul Casey and David Howell in 2004? Even the tale of England’s 1966 World Cup win finds room for a player whom many felt should not have been on the pitch. He scored the hat-trick in the final.
A Geoff Hurst moment on July 9? Not unless Eriksson is prepared to redesign his team to meet the challenges he faces. Maybe we could persuade McClaren to start two months early. Here we go again with the sentences I never thought I would write.
