Not that long ago, the German tabloid press reported that Louis van Gaal, the Bayern Munich coach, liked to romp around the dressing room saying: “I am like God! I never get ill and I am always right!”

Most likely, the unsourced tale was false (or, at least, exaggerated). But just in case anyone failed to get the message, Van Gaal set the record straight on Friday, saying: “I am not God. If I were God, I would win everything, all the time.”

It is a measure of the Dutchman’s outsized personality and reputation that people are even debating his divinity, however much in jest. Suffice to say that Van Gaal may or may not be a deity, but he certainly works in mysterious ways.

Bayern have started the season poorly — Van Gaal has the same number of points as his predecessor, Jürgen Klinsmann, had at this stage of the Bundesliga last season, despite far outspending him — and club officials have been forced to rally around him with assorted votes of confidence.

But, of course, this is Germany, a place where footballspeak and cliché are rare. Thus, in the week that George Gillett Jr, the Liverpool co-owner, called Rafael Benítez “the best in the business”, Franz Beckenbauer, the Bayern president, was somewhat more lukewarm with his pledge of support. “I think eventually Van Gaal will show he’s a successful manager,” he said. “I mean, he already has plenty of confidence . . . you just get the feeling that he’s a bit lost and needs to find solutions.”

Beckenbauer was speaking the day after Bayern’s horrid 2-1 defeat away to Bordeaux in the Champions League, a bizarre game in which they were reduced to nine men and the home side missed two penalties.

Unsurprisingly, given the Klinsmann fiasco of last season — when many felt that if he had been sacked sooner rather than waiting until April, the season might have been salvaged — Van Gaal’s position was starting to look precarious.

It got even more wobbly on Saturday, when the side went behind at home to Eintracht Frankfurt. Groans of disapproval bounced around the Allianz Arena until goals from Arjen Robben and Daniel van Buyten gave Bayern a 2-1 victory. At the final whistle, Van Gaal pumped his fist and gazed fiercely at the crowd, his face contorted in a snarl.

Which is what you expect from one of the most combative coaches in the game, especially because he is only partly responsible for the club’s plight.

While Van Gaal did have a hand in some transfers, much of the squad was assembled without him. To make matters worse, it was done with a wanton disregard for his playing style — or even common sense.

Bayern boasted two big target men, Luca Toni and Miroslav Klose, who, between them, scored 98 goals over the past two seasons. They picked up Ivica Olic on a free transfer and then, bizarrely, lavished £28 million on Mario Gómez, the latter signing bringing the total of expensive, highly paid, giant centre forwards at the club to three.

A month later they appointed Van Gaal, despite his preference for a 4-3-3 formation for much of his career and the presumption that he would want to use a similar system at Bayern.

Which is exactly what happened. Van Gaal demanded another winger to go with Franck Ribéry and Bayern had to shell out a further £22 million on Robben. Now the club have two wide men (although Ribéry is injured and Robben just returned from injury on Saturday) and only one centre-forward slot for their four pricey strikers.

Van Gaal also inherited another Bosman transfer who was signed back in the spring: Anatoliy Tymoschuk, the Ukraine holding midfield player. Tymoschuk is strong and technically gifted, but he looks like a fish out of water in Van Gaal’s system, lacking creativity and the ability to play the ball first-time.

There is further chaos at the back, this time of Van Gaal’s making. Bayern had a vacancy at right back and he filled it by switching Philipp Lahm, arguably the club’s best player, from the left and signing Edson Braafheid, a full back, who has been a failure.

As if that was not enough, Michael Rensing, tipped to be the club’s first-choice goalkeeper, has been so inept that Van Gaal was forced to turn to his back-up, 35-year-old Hans-Jörg Butt, who has not been a regular starter since 2006-07.

The result is a team lacking in every department. The defence is shaky at goalkeeper and left back (unless Lahm plays there, in which case the problem shifts to the other flank). The midfield lacks personality and speed of thought. The front line is fine on the wings, but the revolving door at centre forward is bound to keep everyone unhappy.

Van Gaal earned his reputation as a difficult character in his spells at Ajax and Barcelona, which may explain why he has been out of a big-time job since 2004. This time around, by most accounts, he has mellowed a bit (denying his own divinity is a good first step) and you cannot help but have a bit of sympathy for inheriting such a badly assembled side.

Yet truly great coaches do not complain about not having “their” players. They find a way to win with somebody else’s. And that is what he will have to do at Bayern.

And another thing....

Age appears to be catching up with Mourinho at long last

José Mourinho had been relatively quiet for some time, so perhaps he was due another headline-making quote. This time, instead of picking on his colleagues, his musings turned sociological. Asked about the erratic performances of his young striker, Mario Balotelli, right, he said: “Last weekend he was exceptional, then he trained poorly all week.

“This tells me he needs to get to work. It’s basically a generational problem with young players today. Twenty years ago, at age 20, you were a man. Today it’s a rarity to find guys that age who aren’t surrounded by hangers-on who destabilise them, guys who don’t just think about money and driving a Ferrari or a Bentley, guys who are willing to work hard and be professional.”

For the Inter Milan coach, 46, it is somewhat of a departure. With his youthful good looks and his tendency to defend his players at all costs, the last thing one would expect is to see him slowly turn into a curmudgeonly, middle-aged guy, moaning about “today’s kids”. But then, evidently, time passes for everyone. Even the Special One.