Graphic: Bill Edgar's tactical analysis

It all looked, to say the least, a bit Tewkesbury early doors — flash floods, fans retreating upstairs in search of dry ground, areas of the pitch impassable other than by rubber dinghy. Long before the kick-off, Sky Sports News had shots of a groundsman’s fork disappearing up to its handle in sludge.

The worrying prospect was that this was going to be one of those nights when Shaun Wright-Phillips would be invisible for more than the usual reasons. Certainly Steve McClaren was about to become the first England manager in living memory to watch a match from under a golf umbrella.

Let’s not just blame the weather for the outcome, though. Let’s also blame the NFL. It hardly helped that the Wembley pitch had recently been churned to a purée by a bunch of American heavies in helmets. The more it rained, the more the gridiron lines began to emerge beneath the grass. Suddenly it was second and down at the Croatia 20-yard line. Say what you like about the wisdom of playing Peter Crouch on his own up front, but he rushed an impressive 45 yards in that first quarter, bringing his career total in Wednesday night football to 126 yards.

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BACKGROUND

• McClaren sacked as England coach

• Dismissal is no compensation for England fans

• Jitters destroy England’s composure

• Turnip or terrific? Fans give answer to McClaren

BACKGROUND

• How England rated

• If O’Neill says no, will the FA call Klinsmann?

• Terry defends man in charge

• Why England will be sorely missed in finals

BACKGROUND

• Let’s not just blame the team, blame the Americans too

• Good riddance to fear factors

• Echoes of Bogota as Croatia official is accused of shoplifting

• Seven deadly sins

BACKGROUND

• McClaren: the buck stops with me

• Analysis: Gabriele Marcotti

• 'Not even prepared to get his hair wet!' - the fans' verdict

• Barwick: McClaren had to go

BACKGROUND

• England's qualifying horrors

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• England fans: let off steam here

• How the drama unfolded

• Is McClaren a scapegoat?

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• What you should do next summer

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• Media get their wish as McClaren is shown the door

Overall, though, the first half was a dripping-wet horror show. Scott Carson turned out to be Paul Robinson with worse teeth. “More Frank Carson than Scott,” Mark Lawrenson reckoned. And more Oliver Hardy than both. “I’m not often lost for words, Lawro,” a disconsolate John Motson said, and he was right.

Alan Hansen described the first-half performance as “devoid of class, quality, organisation, devoid of fight”. Later he added: “It’s probably the worst 45 minutes you’ll ever see.” Let’s not get carried away, though. I remember an episode of Dancing On Ice that was slightly worse.

Still, by now one was questioning the exact generosity of Israel’s gift in beating Russia and bringing a hitherto peacefully resigned nation once more to its sitting-rooms and bars in hope. At the very least, one hated to consider the potentially disastrous knock-on effect for the attendance figure at ITV’s continuing Grand Slam of Darts at the Civic Hall, Wolverhampton. At one point I nervously flicked over to ITV4, expecting to see an audience consisting exclusively of Barry Hearn, the Professional Darts Corporation’s promoter, Peter “One Dart” Manley and Paul Robinson.

But, lo and behold, as Adrian Lewis stepped up to the oche, some people did seem to be watching. Maybe darts really is gripping the nation again in the way the pundits claim. Or maybe they were showing the football on the big screen.

Also, what a bad time for this match to come along while the attacking options were so limited, what with Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen being out and Rodney Marsh picking up that knee injury in I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here! It happened the other day while the lone striker was collecting firewood on a surface so treacherous, it eerily prefigured last night’s. Reaching across to get on the end of a particularly difficult log, Marsh simply felt his leg give way beneath him — the classic I’m a Celebrity injury. Doubtless some analysts will blame the thinness of the boots the contestants wear these days, but it’s more likely that stud selection was the big issue.

For a while, though, it looked as if none of this would matter. Motson intimated that it would be “one of the most seminal” second halves in the history of England matches — which perhaps isn’t grammatically possible.

More of the gridiron appeared and McClaren, his umbrella finally abandoned, took it as his cue to bring on David Beckham as a dedicated place-kicker. One soft penalty and a Crouch strike later and Motson was shouting: “Thank you very much. It’s level!” Incredible. England, no longer completely rubbish, were going to win. By drawing. How very England.

Except Croatia then completed a pass in the England endzone when you least expected it. Touchdown!

You know what? I never really did understand American football.