Giles Smith: Armchair view
Pick up your copy of Joy Division: Closer at WHSmith today
Graphic: Bill Edgar's tactical analysis
It all looked, to say the least, a bit Tewkesbury early doors — flash floods, fans retreating upstairs in search of dry ground, areas of the pitch impassable other than by rubber dinghy. Long before the kick-off, Sky Sports News had shots of a groundsman’s fork disappearing up to its handle in sludge.
The worrying prospect was that this was going to be one of those nights when Shaun Wright-Phillips would be invisible for more than the usual reasons. Certainly Steve McClaren was about to become the first England manager in living memory to watch a match from under a golf umbrella.
Let’s not just blame the weather for the outcome, though. Let’s also blame the NFL. It hardly helped that the Wembley pitch had recently been churned to a purée by a bunch of American heavies in helmets. The more it rained, the more the gridiron lines began to emerge beneath the grass. Suddenly it was second and down at the Croatia 20-yard line. Say what you like about the wisdom of playing Peter Crouch on his own up front, but he rushed an impressive 45 yards in that first quarter, bringing his career total in Wednesday night football to 126 yards.

Overall, though, the first half was a dripping-wet horror show. Scott Carson turned out to be Paul Robinson with worse teeth. “More Frank Carson than Scott,” Mark Lawrenson reckoned. And more Oliver Hardy than both. “I’m not often lost for words, Lawro,” a disconsolate John Motson said, and he was right.
Alan Hansen described the first-half performance as “devoid of class, quality, organisation, devoid of fight”. Later he added: “It’s probably the worst 45 minutes you’ll ever see.” Let’s not get carried away, though. I remember an episode of Dancing On Ice that was slightly worse.
Still, by now one was questioning the exact generosity of Israel’s gift in beating Russia and bringing a hitherto peacefully resigned nation once more to its sitting-rooms and bars in hope. At the very least, one hated to consider the potentially disastrous knock-on effect for the attendance figure at ITV’s continuing Grand Slam of Darts at the Civic Hall, Wolverhampton. At one point I nervously flicked over to ITV4, expecting to see an audience consisting exclusively of Barry Hearn, the Professional Darts Corporation’s promoter, Peter “One Dart” Manley and Paul Robinson.
But, lo and behold, as Adrian Lewis stepped up to the oche, some people did seem to be watching. Maybe darts really is gripping the nation again in the way the pundits claim. Or maybe they were showing the football on the big screen.
Also, what a bad time for this match to come along while the attacking options were so limited, what with Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen being out and Rodney Marsh picking up that knee injury in I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here! It happened the other day while the lone striker was collecting firewood on a surface so treacherous, it eerily prefigured last night’s. Reaching across to get on the end of a particularly difficult log, Marsh simply felt his leg give way beneath him — the classic I’m a Celebrity injury. Doubtless some analysts will blame the thinness of the boots the contestants wear these days, but it’s more likely that stud selection was the big issue.
For a while, though, it looked as if none of this would matter. Motson intimated that it would be “one of the most seminal” second halves in the history of England matches — which perhaps isn’t grammatically possible.
More of the gridiron appeared and McClaren, his umbrella finally abandoned, took it as his cue to bring on David Beckham as a dedicated place-kicker. One soft penalty and a Crouch strike later and Motson was shouting: “Thank you very much. It’s level!” Incredible. England, no longer completely rubbish, were going to win. By drawing. How very England.
Except Croatia then completed a pass in the England endzone when you least expected it. Touchdown!
You know what? I never really did understand American football.

Giles Smith writes about sport and is a former Sports Columnist of the Year. He is the author of the memoir Lost in Music and of a book about sport on television entitled Midnight in the Garden of Evel Knievel and his writing appears in the anthologies My Favourite Year and Speaking With The Angel. He has contributed to many British newspapers and magazines and to The New Yorker
Explore your passion for food with the delights of Thai, Indian & Chinese cooking
In our new series, Tony Hawks takes a dry, wry look at modern life - junk mail, interminable meetings and snooty sales assistants
Read the training tips and advice that helped our London Triathletes
Read our exclusive 100 Years of Fleming and Bond interactive timeline, packed with original Times articles and reviews
The latest travel news plus the best hotels and gadgets for business travellers

Find tickets for:
Shortcuts to help you find sections and articles
2007
£30,000
2006
£14,337
2008
£39,937
Great car insurance deals online
c.£75,000
GlosFirstmeansbusiness
Gloucestershire
Competitive package
Npower
Midlands
£
£32,795 - £41,545
Universitry of Southampton
Southampton
Competitive Package
Npower
West Midlands
1 & 2 Bed apartments
From £249,995
Great Investment, River Views
Great Dubai Investment Opportunities
from £89,950
low-cost ownership homes in London
Multi–Centre 9 Nights
From only £925pp
View thousands of properties online with your Vacation Rental People
£POA
List your property with two leading travel websites
£POA
Great travel insurance deals online
Contact our advertising team for advertising and sponsorship in Times Online, The Times and The Sunday Times. Globrix Property Search - find property for sale and rent in the UK. Milkround Job Search - for graduate careers in the UK. Visit our classified services and find jobs, used cars, property or holidays. Use our dating service, read our births, marriages and deaths announcements, or place your advertisement.
Copyright 2008 Times Newspapers Ltd.
This service is provided on Times Newspapers' standard Terms and Conditions. Please read our Privacy Policy.To inquire about a licence to reproduce material from Times Online, The Times or The Sunday Times, click here.This website is published by a member of the News International Group. News International Limited, 1 Virginia St, London E98 1XY, is the holding company for the News International group and is registered in England No 81701. VAT number GB 243 8054 69.
Just don't get irony downunder, do they ?
Bill stokes, Derby , England
England lost fair and square, the team just weren't good enough in my neutral eyes. The British media hype them as contenders for everything. Look outside the box people, still living '66.
Darren, Belfast,
americans > the headline is british humour so please dont fill with comments about being blamed. its tongue in cheek.
ps. never get bored of reminding the aussies about two world cups.
pps. american football is nothing like rugby, people who understand neither game will of course continue to say they are the same and look like numpties.
joseph, london,
english soccer is still adamant on changing it's tactics. The long ball, the ultra aggressive play and the shear physical presence doesn't cut it anymore. to win the big games today, the team needs more than that. Managing the game and changing tactics as the game evolves, during is the future of the sport. Hopefully something positive comes out of this loss.
Peter Marini, Boston, Ma / USA
Although the pitch was not ideal after the Americans played I do not blame them. I know the FA need to make money to pay for the white elephant that is Wembley but its the same for both teams. The FA knew this fixture was coming up so having the Americans play on the pitch ripping it to shreds was totally stupid, no matter how much revenue it generated.
Croatia were able to pass the ball to each other despite the state of the pitch and usually with the first touch they were in control of the ball. In the case of England it took 2 or even three touches to control the ball before they could even think about passing. Also why have we spent £700m+ on a stadium that has no roof - pathetic! Surely a roof is more important than an arch?
At the end of the day we didn't deserve to get to Euro 2008. We were given an unlikely lifeline by Israel on Saturday but we still managed to blow it. Despite England being out that will not stop me enjoying Euro 2008 next summer!
Gen, London,
Typical xenophobic nonsense, NFL and the pitch. Hopefully it was toungue in cheek?
Croatia seemed to handle it okay? And they were playing our "golden generation" from the "best league in the world"
Stop blaming everything except what is truly at fault, our players. They are simply not good enough and they are made to look better than they really are by the real stars of the Premier League, the foriegn imports. Want proof? Simple, look what happens when you put 11 of English players out on the pitch with no foriegn teamates to help them out.
David Brady, Deer Park, USA
I knew it...President George W. Bush did it...or was it global warming...or the Russians...Naahhhh, it was the 4th estate,Giles Smith and his 'tavern' pals did it....hahaha...Long live the Brits..........
Mr Tim, San Marcos, U S of A / Ca
No passion, no pride - this is what happens when you pay whining, spoilt idiots like this.
And Jim in NY - when your country can play Rugby -(note the spelling) without the body padding of American Football, you then earn the right to comment on English Rugby. Rugby players earn a fraction of what's earn for both these other sports. yet show more balls than either game.
We overcome our demons - we were written off before we even made it to Paris, but the England Rugby team poured their hearts and souls into the final games. Something our pitiful Football players are unable to do. So leave the rugby out of this!
Sarah, London,
What a lame excuse. For heaven's sake - if somebody should be able to play well on wet and muddy ground it should be people from the British Isles, considering your weather!
Ulf, Sweden,
That's "second down," not "second and down," mate.
Simon, Washington, DC, USA
Abigail, this column is always a humorous and irreverant one. Get yourself a sense of humour!
Claire, Henley, UK
Sour LOOOOOsers it is ....
yes, why not blame americans for everything: loosing rugny world cup to SA, loosing football games to everyone and everything .... and yes, it is all americans fault for a pathetic bunch of football players ...
jim, new york, ny
Err...excuse me, did I just hear an Aussie call someone a sour loser? Having been in Sydney and Newcastle during the period after Australia's exit from the Rugby World Cup at the hands of England, ooh, that's a bit rich. The Australian press proved themselves world champions in erm...whingeing. If you read it again, you'll see there's not a word of Smith's article suggesting he's a sour loser. He quotes Hansen saying the England team is devoid of class and quality! Is that being a sore loser? I think there's more 'going on' with Abigail's national identity than anything else. Smith's actually doing what we Brits do best, which is not playing football by the way, but having a good laugh in the face of adversity. Loved the call for Marsh, that was very funny.
Trevor, Oslo, Norway
Yea, you are right about american football... strange game indeed, basicly they do same things like rugby, excepe in rugby all you have is plaid shirt and leather helmet (helmet optional).
But Croatians did have more practice on terain, after playing in Skopje and training home, even Wembly looked like perfect pitch.
So it's not all England's fault
Frantz, Bugojno,
Wow -- talk about sour loser. And I suppose Croatia mastered the art of playing on pureed ground better than you pommies did?
How rubbish. Maybe you should blame the Kanye West mom's too for distracting the players during practice, with her MEMORIAL SERVICE.
Abigail, Melbourne, Australia