Nobody was more surprised to see an umbrella over Steve McClaren at Wembley on Wednesday night than the umbrella itself. “I didn’t get the call until half an hour before kick-off,” the umbrella admitted yesterday, opening up to The Times in an exclusive interview in a cupboard in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

“I thought I was on the bench until the kit man came in and said, ‘It’s tipping it down out there. Steve wants you to cover for him.’ Obviously, as an umbrella, you dream of being asked to do a job for your country, so that was a huge moment for me. I only wish it could have turned out more happily.”

The umbrella says that a nerve-inducing scene met it as it sat, tightly furled, against the wall in the England dressing-room in those final moments before the match. “The thing I was most worried about was accidentally coming unclipped and going up indoors. You know how superstitious footballers are. I’d have been stamped to death.”

What shook the umbrella most, though, was the muted prematch atmosphere. “Joleon Lescott said hello, which was nice, but none of the other players talked to me. Then again, nobody talked to anyone else, either. There was a bit of banter about fetching Shaun Wright-Phillips a snorkel, but otherwise it was completely quiet. I’ve stood at the back of noisier funerals, if I’m being honest. It was almost like they all knew something.”

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The faults that lie deep within the nation's football will not be cured simply by handing Steve McClaren his P45

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• From 1 to 11: why number was up for England

• Beckham is the blueprint by which to rebuild national game

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• Wembley authorities unable to explain quagmire

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• Carson hoping to bounce back

Eventually the manager took the umbrella up the tunnel, initiating its transformation from relatively anonymous brolly to iconic accessory of the McClaren era. “It’s always a big moment,” the umbrella points out. “Will you go up? Will you get stuck? Will the wind blow you inside out, which can be embarrassing, not to say painful? But I went up first time and stayed up. It settled a few nerves.”

Things quickly went wrong, though. “The manager was holding me quite loosely at first. When that first goal went in, his grip suddenly tightened. After the second goal, he dug in his fingernails. I’ve still got the marks.”

Speculation continues to rage about precisely why McClaren became the first England manager in living memory to seek hand-held overhead protection. The umbrella has its own theory. “A lot of people have joked about it being a shield against stuff thrown from the crowd, but I don’t really think so. In any case, that’s what the Kevlar vest was for. I simply think when you take as much care of your hair as McClaren does, you’re more than averagely wary of downpours. A lot of my work is for people with comb-overs or comb-forwards, and when you get wet, you can end up looking like you’re being attacked by an underfed hamster. I don’t think McClaren needed that at this particular point in his career.”

The lack of communication at pitch-side surprised the umbrella. “I had expected McClaren and Terry Venables to be talking constantly. In fact, the only time I heard Venables speak was directly after Scott Carson messed up that clearance. At which point, Venables leaned over and said, ‘Can I borrow your brolly? I’m soaked right down to my long johns.’

The ensuing half-time interval was miserable. “The manager was fuming – swinging me around, stabbing me repeatedly into Frank Lampard’s sponge bag. At one point, I nearly took Peter Crouch’s eye out. I also got a bit worried because McClaren was threatening to insert me in Gareth Barry and then put me up. I don’t think he really meant it, though. It was just heat of the moment stuff. You’re bound to get that at international level.”

It disappointed the umbrella to be withdrawn straight after the interval. “I thought I’d acquitted myself pretty well. I mean, by comparison with what Steven Gerrard achieved in the same period, I was having a blinder. I certainly provided more defensive cover than Wayne Bridge.

“But this was a desperate situation – 2-0 down, qualification going out of the window and the manager’s job going with it. He realised he was scrapping for his life at that point and if his hair was going to look soppy, so be it.”

Protective to the last, the umbrella declared that it would be happy to work with McClaren again. “It’s not just him. We’ve all got to take responsibility for what happened. And if he needs a parasol on the extended holiday that he’s got coming, then I’m there.”

From 36-0 to lightning – brollies in sport

England were awful on Wednesday but not as bad as Bon Accord against Arbroath in 1885. Bon Accord, a cricket team who were mistakenly entered in the Scottish Cup, lost their first-round match 36-0 – a record score in senior football. Jim Milne Sr, the Arbroath goalkeeper, did not touch the ball during the game and spent some of the match sheltering from the rain under an umbrella.

— Crazy guy, great tennis player. It was all too much for Ilie Nastase at Wimbledon in 1974 when it started raining. The Romanian borrowed a spectator’s umbrella and played a point while holding it. “I thought it would dispel the tension,” he said.

— On August 29, 1882 England lost to Australia by seven wickets at the Oval. It was the first time that England had lost on home soil and one spectator was so gripped that he he was reported to have bitten through the handle of his umbrella. With the Ashes at stake at the Oval 123 years later – and with England requiring only a draw to claim the urn – England fans tried to persuade the umpires to call an end to play on the gloomy fourth day. Even though no rain came down, up went the England umbrellas.

— Jerry Heard and Lee Trevino were sheltering under an umbrella near the 13th green at Butler National golf club, near Chicago, during the 1975 Western Open when lightning struck Heard in his groin, which was where he was resting his umbrella. Both men were thrown into the air. Heard never played competitive golf again.

Words by Kaveh Solhekol