Foreign footballers from outside the EU will be barred from joining Premier League clubs from October unless they can speak simple English under new immigration rules. “Footballers earn enough money to pay for professional tuition,” Liam Byrne, the Immigration Minister, said. - News report

Exercise one: At the market

Read the following short passage and then answer the questions below in English. Santiago and his agent go shopping at the market in the city centre. “Look, Santiago,” the agent says. “This stall has some delicious ripe oranges and apples. And over here are vegetables, including potatoes and carrots. Let's buy some fruit and some vegetables.”

“No, thank you,” Santiago says. “I already had lunch at the training ground. And this evening I shall be having dinner at San Lorenzo with 46 of my closest friends.”

1. Make a list of some of the other fruit and vegetables that Santiago might not have needed to buy.

2. Can you think of anything else at the market that might have been of absolutely no relevance whatsoever to Santiago? (For example, the stall selling foam off-cuts.)

3. Write down the conversation Santiago might have with the maître d' if he turned up at San Lorenzo and discovered that there was no table for him.

Useful words and phrases: Don't you know who I am? Jobsworth, Don't touch the suit. Police officer. Police car. Overnight cell.

The irregular verb “to be fair”

The irregular verb “to be fair” is conjugated as follows:

I am, to be fair

You are, to be fair

He/She/It is, to be fair

We are, to be fair

You (plural) are, to be fair

They are, to be fair

Exercise two: On the phone

Santiago is on the phone to his agent. “He's... it... do you?” the agent says. Santiago says: “I'm... don't... it.”

Explain this conversation and then write out a full version of it.

Useful words and phrases: I can't hear you, mate, you're cracking up. Really poor coverage. Do you want me to put the word out that you're unhappy? I'm going over to Vodafone/Inter Milan.

Mind games

Read the following eve-of-match statement by a leading manager. “We don't expect Wigan to lie down against Manchester United. I know Steve Bruce, and the kind of man he is, and they'll go out there and give it everything they've got.”

Are the manager's feelings about Wigan Athletic:

A) Exactly as he states them, or

B) Almost exactly the opposite of what he says, in fact, but he feels that, by putting it this way, he can awaken Wigan to a sense of duty which they might not otherwise have had.

(Answer: B, on account of mind games.)

Exercise three: At the car dealership

Santiago and his agent go to the Bentley showroom. “This Bentley Continental is awesome, Santiago,” the agent says, pointing. “It has 20-inch alloys and a really cool, tan leather interior.”

“Yes, I like it very much,” Santiago says. “But I have bought two of those already this morning. Let's go up the road to the Ferrari dealership and drop some proper wonga.”

Write an imaginary conversation between Santiago and a policeman who has pulled him over for speeding on the wrong side of a motorway.

Useful words and phrases: Flava. Maxed out. Banging chrome rims. Couldn't hear the siren over the hi-fi. What licence?

The verb “to be robbed”

The verb “to rob” commonly takes the irregular passive. (See also “to be mullered”.)

I was robbed

You was robbed

He/she/it was robbed

We was robbed

You (plural) was robbed

They was robbed

Conversations with Garth Crooks

Listen carefully to the recording (tape B, side two) of Garth Crooks asking a question during a post-match interview. Then rewind the tape and listen again, but this time tap the table once when Garth either directly uses, or seems to be about to use, a main verb. Tap the table twice whenever he appears to reach a full stop. Tap the table three times when you have the first idea what he's on about.

Now learn and recite the following answers:

“That's right, Garth.”

“Absolutely, Garth.”

“Whatever you say, Garth.”

Dwain Chambers can show he's out of this world

It was the week the dream died. Dwain Chambers' attempt to go from zero to professional rugby league player in a little more than four weeks - a TV challenge show in everything but the cameras - dropped in the dust when Castleford Tigers exercised the return option on their “month-long trial or your money back” arrangement and reluctantly sent back the disgraced sprinter in the packaging he came in.

Did Chambers play those 39 minutes of reserve-team rugby in vain? Alas, he did. In end the club were forced to conclude that Dwaino didn't have what it takes to make it at the sharp end of English rugby league because ... well, he hadn't even played the game until a month ago or even really been aware of it, by all accounts, so go figure.

Cynics will say that it was all about publicity. It was about so much more than that. It was about the right of a scandal-mired track athlete to redeem himself in the only way he knows how - on the rugby pitch. And from Castleford's point of view it was about belief - about casting away the tired, corporate mindset that says “a sprinter probably isn't a rugby league player, if we're being honest”. They gave a man a chance, and that's always good to see. All this, and great publicity, of course.

The big question now, is: whither Dwaino? Badminton? He'd have the blistering pace around the court. But does he have the split-second hand-to-eye co-ordination?

Or what about the other Badminton - the one with horses? Better still. Yet Dwaino is surely too big a figure to be bounded by sport alone. We're thinking spaceman. Train him up for a month-long mission on the Space Station, doing whatever it is they do up there. Make him the first drug cheat in space.

A tall order? Maybe. But remember, they said that he would never play rugby league, and... well, they were right. But this is different: different clothes, different atmosphere, different skill-set. Let's get him airborne. Even the sky isn't necessarily the limit for Dwaino.

Tattoo taboo in force at frontiers

The unprecedented relaxation of formal requirements for visitors to Russia, which means that fans going to Moscow for the Champions League final will be able to use their ticket as a visa for entry into the country, is a tremendous move by the Russian authorities, generously easing the bureaucratic burden for the travelling supporter.

And, of course, it has the nice side-benefit of generously easing the bureaucratic burden for the Russian authorities, too, who now won't even have to try to clear their desks of anything up to 50,000 hastily filled-out visa applications inside a fortnight.

At the same time, we must point out that there is no truth in the rumour that an additional fast-track system will be in place over the relevant 72-hour period, wherein supporters in possession of a club-related tattoo can simply flash that at the border - lean in with the forearm marked “True Blue” or “Red Til I Die” and be waved through.

Our understanding is that this is absolutely not the case and that no supporter should travel under that assumption. We repeat: your tattoo will not work as a visa on this occasion, even if it has been known to do so in Britain at train barriers.