“We have to brand the home of cricket carefully. We do not want to cheapen it.' - Keith Bradshaw, the secretary of MCC, announcing plans to put the Lord's logo on an expanded range of consumer products.

From an MCC report: “...Moving on now to the Old Father Time Monster Beer Hat, the committee was again impressed by the build quality of the proposed item. The plastic drinking tubes were durable and the fixings secure, the hat itself was 100 per cent cotton and well structured and the innovative six-can load capacity was a major breakthrough in the area of drink-related novelty headgear.

“At the same time, some reservations were voiced about so openly associating the cherished Lord's brand with beer bingeing in a comical context, not least given current sensitivities. Accordingly, the product was declined, but on a more positive note it was felt that, if the designers could redevelop the hat for use with a wine box, we might be able to take another look at it further down the line.

“We had no hesitation in unanimously approving both the Lord's Luxury Bath Towel range and the Lord's Cut Glass Decanter and Goblets set. Similar high-end items have performed extremely well, from a sales point of view, for our friends over at the All England Club and we have no reason to believe that they won't do the same for us. We were less certain, however, about the Official Lord's Door Chimes. The choice between the Test Match Special theme and 10cc's Dreadlock Holiday seemed disappointingly narrow. And we also had some concerns about the Official Lord's TV Remote Holster. We have no doubt that remote control whereabouts misery bedevils our ideal Lord's customer as much as any other person, and nor do we dispute that this Velcro-enabled armchair ‘tidy' device offers a unique, one-stop solution in this area. We just weren't sure about the mock snakeskin finish.

“In the highly promising home pampering range, many members were tempted by the Old Father Time Electric Foot Spa, with its three settings - gentle, medium strength and Darren Gough. But others pointed out that the water/electricity combination appeared to be a lawsuit waiting to happen. Maybe many hundreds of lawsuits. All happening at the same time. Best leave this for now, then, and perhaps go instead with the altogether simpler Lord's Hard Footskin Remover and Callous Cream double pack.

“We saw, inevitably, many products using the timeless and highly exploitable symbol of the Ashes urn - the Bubble Bath In An Urn, the salt and pepper shakers, the Official Ashes Urn Cocktail Mixer, several ashtrays and so forth. The product that most appealed to us, though, was the Official Ashes Urn For Ashes - a touching, themed storage flask for the remains of a loved one. However, our own crematorium research suggests that people tend to go for something a little larger and more hard-wearing in this particular marketplace and we should probably take further soundings before we commit.

“Huge approval all round, though, for the Official Lord's Plug-and-Play In-Car Sat-Nav. The idea of designing the dash-mountable unit as a replica of the famous skyline media centre was inspired and the decision to select different cricketing voices (David Gower, Bob Willis) for the route instructions definitely brought added value.

“However, members tested the device in 'Boycott' mode, on a journey between Woodlesford and Bentley, and although they were initially amused to hear Boycott digress to talk about how much better the journey was before they opened the M62, they found the novelty quickly wore off. So, a few further tweaks required, then.

“It was a straight 'no', we're afraid, to the Brian Johnston Talking Knickers, which say 'Oh, stop it, Aggers!' when jiggled about. Not suitable, we felt, although, thinking about it, they did focus-group very well...”

Boot boy's Mercedes tips the balance

Tales of generosity never fail to lift the spirits and it would have taken a heart of flint not to have been moved by this week's story about Olivier Kapo, the Birmingham City midfield player, whose end-of-season gift to the 17-year-old trainee entrusted with cleaning his boots was a £30,000 Mercedes and (almost as valuable, in real terms) a year's insurance. Just a little something to say thank you, indeed.

It's impossible not to be impressed. At the same time, even while applauding Kapo for his largesse, we perhaps ought to remember that a complex social etiquette surrounds the whole area of tipping the staff and that the person who tips big isn't automatically a positive force within the system.

It's what economists mean by “the over-tipping point”. The over-tipper destabilises the tipping marketplace, creating uncertainty among fellow tippers and even eventually unsettling the tippee, who is then dissatisfied with the next, less generous tip. The over-tipper also risks stimulating divisive jealousy within the workplace - in this instance between the trainee who got a car and those who perhaps got only a signed photo and a £5 WH Smith token.

In this context, it is clear that we badly lack established guidelines on end-of-year gift-giving for boot boys and someone at the Professional Footballers' Association should be commissioned to draw some up. In particular, it would be useful to establish an upper limit.

Having considered the circumstances and weighed up the various contributing economic factors, our feeling is that, at Premier League clubs, a Mazda MX5, at about £16,000 on the road, ought to be enough. True, the Japanese two-seater doesn't have either the high-end prestige or the punchy acceleration of the German marques, but it's a highly acceptable, sporty runabout and perfectly adequate, surely, as a small token of appreciation for a teenage boot boy.

Incidentally, we assume that Kapo is no Morris Levy. In the early days of rock'n'roll, the hard-nosed music business boss bought off an unpaid singer by tossing him the keys to a Cadillac. Only after several weeks of happy motoring did the singer discover that the car was a rental.

Spot the difference: why Dowie got the QPR job

Some confusion this week for Queens Park Rangers fans, who thought that they were getting Zinédine Zidane as manager, but ended up with Iain Dowie. It's an easy mistake to make, though, when you consider what these twin, turbo-charged footballing legends have in common.

They're both 6ft 1in tall.

Zidane technically could have played for Algeria, but chose France. Dowie technically could have played for England, but chose Northern Ireland.

Zidane was the subject of a full-length, cinema-released movie, Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait. Dowie has been a pundit on Match of the Day 2.

Zidane has been World Player of the Year three times. Dowie has a masters degree in engineering.

Pretty much the only thing that separates them is that Dowie has experience of pulling a Championship club into the Premier League. Zidane? Not once. It might have something to do with it.