Lonely Planet, the travel book publisher, has generously provided intrepid fans going to Moscow with a free, condensed guide to the city and some of its customs. But what about the equally intrepid people staying at home? Don’t they deserve a free guide? They do, and here it is.

Getting there

The first all-English Champions League final is likely to generate the biggest television audience of theyear, so beware. Millions of workers are expected to head home and watch the match, and though transport providers are confidently insisting that they deal with these kinds of numbers every day, the UK’s infrastructure is notoriously unreliable. Leave early is, as ever, the soundest advice.

Costs

Britain is extremely expensive, so watching the Champions League final at home will be punitive. Expect to pay around 69,600 roubles (£800) for a decent widescreen television. The statutory annual licence fee is 6,188 roubles (£131.50) and there may be further charges for monthly subscriptions, set-top boxes, aerial connections, copies of Radio Times etc. Factoring in food and sundries, you will be doing well to bring in the trip for less than 70,500 roubles (£1,500). Going to Moscow starts to look relatively cheap by comparison. Viewers seeking a less costly experience may choose to go to one of the country’s many, big screen-enabled pubs. However, be warned that all the best seats have already been taken (probably) and that standing on a chair for two hours, with somebody’s pint balancing on one shoulder and somebody else’s packet of Nobby’s Nuts resting on the other one, can be irksome.

What to expect

Most people in Britain can rely on a fairly warm welcome in their own homes — on a good day, anyway. Stories emanating from the Daily Mail, which claim that you will be detained in your hall before the match, in a gulag-style holding pen, where, without access to food or drink, you will be prodded with sticks and barked at by Alsatians for anything up to nine hours, can almost certainly be dismissed as an example of that newspaper’s usual unhelpful hysteria.

Food and drink

The customary football-watching snack in Britain is pizza, traditionally brought to the door by moped rider, in a box inside a plastic satchel. (The pizza, this is, not the moped rider.) Take-away companies are predicting a “phone-out bonanza”, so if you want to eat your pizza hot and during the game, rather than cold and during News At Ten, call before kick-off and avoid time-consuming fancy add-ons such as pineapple. Otherwise, in many British households, it can be difficult to get anyone to bring refreshment to one’s seat mid-match. Be prepared to haggle. Expect to pay no more than 94 roubles (£1) for a cup of tea and 47 roubles (50p) for a pair of HobNobs.

What to see

No trip to the Champions League final would be complete without a visit to Ray Wilkins. The Sky Sports pundit has represented both teams competing in tomorrow’s final and the sight of him struggling to conceal that he likes Chelsea better is always a tourist draw. Ditto Clive Tyldesley. The ITV commentator experienced a careerdefining moment the last time United went this far in the competition (in 1999, on “that night in Barcelona”), and he won’t be letting us forget it. So, ITV or Sky? Tyldesley’s loquaciousness or Martin Tyler’s authority? The eerie smoothness of Steve Rider or the eerie brittleness of Richard Keys? But what do I care? I’m going to the match. You’re on your own, I’m afraid.