Roger Federer's cardigan, Serena Williams's trenchcoat, Maria Sharapova's tuxedo-style jacket - you're nobody at Wimbledon this year if you're not going on court in an attention-grabbing, high street-ready warm-up outfit. Stuck in the changing-room, mournfully fingering some sad old tracksuit top, shell suit or similar item of tired, conventional sportswear? Then pick out a little something from among the many high-style pre-match options still untaken at the time of writing.

Conventional Business Suit

The Centre Court? It's just another day at the office in this classically designed charcoal knock-up outfit with jacket, trousers, freshly pressed shirt and faintly unsuitable tie, specially selected from the Tie Rack range, plus optional briefcase-style racket bag. Convenient Velcro side-fastenings, as researched and developed by leading streakers, mean that you're stripped and ready to play the moment the umpire calls “time”. Let's go to work.

Paddington Bear Suit

Nothing says “Plucky Brit” more clearly than this duffel coat and floppy hat combo, based on the look pioneered by the much-loved ursine hero from the children's books. The coat has been retoggled and specially widened in the shoulders to allow uninhibited follow-through on both ground strokes and overhead shots and comes trimmed with a novelty luggage label reading: “Please look after this controversial wild-card recipient.” Marmalade and cocoa stains optional.

Official Ranulph Fiennes Mountaineering Outfit

For the player who knows that there's a long, five-set climb ahead. Featuring a fur-trimmed hooded parka, multi-pocket trousers in reinforced Sno-Tex and Scarpa Phantom 8000 GSB Himalayan expedition boots with waterproof T-Zip gaiter closure, this outfit is guaranteed frost-proof to minus 40C, which is what it can sometimes drop to out there if you happen to be up against a British favourite in the second week. Warning: flinging the (optional) ice-pick into the crowd along with your sweatbands during post-match celebrations is not recommended.

Full-length Invisible Man Costume

Tired of having spent upwards of five years in or around the top 50 and still not getting the recognition you deserve? Irritated with children asking you to sign those big tennis balls and then saying: “Who are you again?” Make that point, H.G. Wells-style, with this medicated whole-body bandage wrap. Imagine your delight, back at the chair, post knock-up, as you gradually unwind to reveal yourself from the feet up and hear people in the crowd say: “Nope, search me. David Nalbandian, maybe?” This conveniently dual-purpose outfit can be cut into smaller strips during play and bound around knees or other areas in need of support.

Atmospheric Diving Suit

Get focused and stay focused inside this authentic, beautifully hand-tooled, fully submersible, 19th-century deep sea diver's outfit in polished brass. A bigger talking point than a cardigan and more durable, too. Note: Oxygen supply extra. May require up to four ballboys and 3 hours to disassemble.

Give the sweaty time-wasters a proper towelling-down

If one thing has been made monumentally apparent in this first week of Wimbledon, it is that the whole towelling-down situation is out of control. You can count on the buttons of Roger Federer's cardigan the number of players who restrict their towelling activities to change-overs, the period officially set aside for dealing with personal seepages.

Instead, most players routinely transport their towel down to the baseline with them and dump it on some hapless ballboy or ballgirl, who, in turn, dumps it on the chair of some hapless line judge. Then the players insist on calling for it, rubbing and patting themselves every time the ball goes dead.

Does Andy Murray really need to clean his face after every shot? And if he genuinely does, isn't there some kind of cream he could get? Or a rapidly hardening spray? Murray has even had to develop a mime to indicate his desire for the towel - a little circular motion with his fingers in front of his nose. “It's a bathroom object, two syllables, first syllable...” Greg Rusedski just used to point with his racket. It was rude, but at least it wasn't a mime.

Either way, how one longs to hear a ballboy say: “Get it yourself, sweat-face, I've got balls to deal with.” Or watch Rafael Nadal, stopping every 30 seconds or so to wipe down not only his face but both his arms, from shoulder to fingers.

Did the great Bjorn Borg pause between points to sponge excess moisture off himself? Did John McEnroe? No, they did not. They waited until they were sitting down. Meanwhile, they wore a towelling headband that drew any unwanted fluids upwards and absorbed them.

Look at Dmitry Tursunov, a rare proponent of the headband during his second-round match against Chris Eaton on Thursday. Hey presto, the towel stayed on the chair and Tursunov was crisp'n'dry.

Fact: more hours of play are lost to Wimbledon through unnecessary towel use than through rain. Possibly. Well, they were this week, anyway.

The All England Club has stopped players removing their towels from the court after matches, because towel-filching was costing the club £60,000 a year, reportedly. If it wants to do the whole sport a favour, it should make the carriage of any towel beyond a four-foot radius of the player's chair an offence punishable by an on-the-spot fine of at least £14,000 and the immediate loss of two points. Otherwise they'll all be flossing their teeth next, and nobody wants to see that.

Safin and Gulbis lead way for worst use of Hawk-Eye

It's nearly half-time in our contest for the worst use of Hawk-Eye during the 2008 championships and two contenders are tied for the title. Marat Safin, a hot pick among the tipsters, bullied his way into an early lead on Wednesday during his Centre Court defeat of Novak Djokovic, calling for an official review of a shot that was so far off the side of the court that it was only just inside the tramlines. Blind people on different courts knew that ball was out.

Safin was joined at the top of the leaderboard on Thursday, though, by Ernests Gulbis. In the eighth game of his match against Rafael Nadal, the 19-year-old Latvian tested Hawk-Eye's coverage of No1 Court to the maximum with a ball that had only just bounced when it smacked the back canvas. Who said that Hawk-Eye was just for the hard-to-call times in life? Sometimes he's there to buy some vital breath-back time and brighten a dark moment.