WHAT’S in a name? Quite a lot if the name happens to be Gazza. After all those years at sea, the word is thickly barnacled with tough-to-shift marine debris and no amount of work with a power-soaker and a broad chisel is ever going to scrape it entirely clear.
Say “Gazza” and a thick catalogue of associations flops on to the mind’s doormat, to the point where those two syllables are virtually shorthand for a whole range of human activities, including weeping, the wearing of plastic breasts in public and the insulting of Norway. And also with footballing genius, of course, the word’s core meaning, which can still be heard, even these days, beneath the other stuff.
Little wonder, then, that Paul Gascoigne is tired of lugging this load around. He has spoken before of his determination to put a little distance between himself and his nickname and unburden himself of some of its less handy baggage. For some time now, friends have been encouraged to call him “Paul” and leave the “Gazza” business to people who don’t know him at all.
In ordinary lives, the use of somebody’s nickname is licensed exclusively by intimacy with them. But with celebrities, who have made intimacy to some extent a public event, the opposite happens. Thus it’s a mark of genuine proximity to the throne to refer to Mrs David Beckham as “Victoria” rather than by the familiar “Posh”. And similarly, if you really know Gazza, you don’t call him “Gazza”. You don’t call him “Posh” or “Victoria”, either. Not unless you are grossly overfamiliar. Or maybe just bewildered.
It’s possible, however, that, before long, nobody at all will be calling Gazza either “Gazza” or “Paul”, or not accurately. This week Gascoigne suggested that he was interested in getting shot of not just “Gazza” but “Paul” and “Gascoigne”, too.
He is engaged in a process of self-transformation that has seen him slim right down to a condition of impressive trimness, dye his hair a gingery blond colour and adopt some ambitious, post-modern facial hair. The effect is startling: seen last weekend playing for the Legends, a team of his peers, none of whom seemed to share Gazza’s interest in gym-work, Gascoigne was the only one who didn’t look like he’d come to fix the washing machine.
But, apparently, it’s time to refashion the name. “I’m a different person now,” he said. “I’m not Paul Gascoigne and I’m not Gazza.” A total name overhaul, he went on, was something he was going to discuss this week with his family. Naturally, these were deeply private discussions and we have not been made party to them, nor to any of the new names that Gascoigne is considering for the second half of his life. Nobby Hargreaves? Tarquin de Lancey? Sebastian Faulks? The choice is so broad it’s overwhelming.
Maybe he would fancy a subtle modulation to Pal Gascone, but it might not be enough to give people the slip. In the past, in this context, you would have recommended John Smith, but these days it’s a beer and that’s probably not the kind of brand positioning that Gascoigne is seeking at the moment.
The Artist Formerly Known As Gazza? That kind of thing didn’t do Prince any favours. And naming himself after a legend, such as George Best or Whitney Houston, though inspiring, might not have the required effect in terms of successfully deflecting media attention. If Gascoigne wanted to be completely overlooked and left to his own devices, he could always try calling himself Scott Parker. After all, it seems to be working for Scott Parker. Then again, does anyone actively wish to be that anonymous?
Whatever decision Gascoigne comes to in this delicate matter, one can only shake one’s head in sober amazement at the kind of pressures that fame can put upon a modern footballer — pressures so intense that he would seek eventually to flee his own name. But Gascoigne cannot be alone in that desire, so one wonders whether it’s an eventuality that the game ought to be making provision for.
Must Sir Alex Ferguson be “Sir Alex Ferguson”, with all that that implies, until the end of his days? It seems cruel to insist upon it, if there is another option. Must Robbie Savage live for ever more with the label “Robbie Savage”? It’s inhumane to stand by and allow it to happen, surely, if the resources are there to make a difference.
But, of course, at this point they aren’t and once again one is made painfully aware of the insufficient care given to football people in retirement. Players and managers put their anonymity and personal safety at risk for the glory of the game, but are then left alone to pick up the pieces as ex-players in later life.
What’s needed is some kind of footballing version of the federal witness protection programme in the United States, in which football folk would be able to “come in” when they chose, or when the burden of continuing to be themselves grew too great, and could be relocated under new identities to live the blameless, unbothered existence that is anybody’s right as a citizen.
There will come a time, surely, when Alan Shearer is tired of being “Alan Shearer”. How great it would be if, when that moment arrives, the system were in place that would enable him to put the past behind him and begin a wonderful, unhindered new life as Dick McDuck, the children’s entertainer. Or as anyone else that he chose, within reason.
It’s too late for Gascoigne. But a far greater good may come of his individual struggle if an opportunity is seized here and the appropriate action gets taken.
COURT CIRCULAR
September 30: Kelly Holmes this evening attended the Music of Black Origin Awards at the Albert Hall, in the company of Mos Def, and dedicated an honorary statuette to Jamelia (Best Single).
October 9: Kelly Holmes this afternoon attended the international football match between England and Wales at Old Trafford and was presented to the teams in the company of some men in suits.
October 10: Kelly Holmes this afternoon attended the Savoy Hotel, in the company of the Editor of Good Housekeeping, for the coronation of the Woman of the Year (Kelly Holmes).
October 11: Kelly Holmes this evening attended a filming of the television quiz programme, A Question of Sport, at the BBC studios in the company of Ms Susan Barker.
October 12: Kelly Holmes this morning received the Governor-General of the Independent State of Papua New Guinea, posed for a portrait, opened three community centres in the North East and launched four ships and a lifeboat.
October 15: Kelly Holmes this morning returned to Balmoral.
