Ah, the FA Cup and its romance. How to quantify the fable-spinning magic of a competition in which Jon Champion can draw Blyth Spartans away, Peter Drury can be packed off off to Sutton United's Gander Green Lane and Clive Tyldesley is posted to an unfinished shed, mounted on perilous scaffolding above the wind-blasted home of Havant & Waterlooville?

These are the big-time Charlies of the broadcasting scene, commentators with hours of European and international experience between them - and yet forced, by the FA Cup's rare alchemy, to mix it with the lower orders and face the prospect of an upset. No wonder the viewers push through the turnstiles, year after year.

By the way, if you thought the competition didn't really begin until January, when the big teams parachute in, you obviously haven't bought the television rights recently. ITV, the tournament's new terrestrial curator, went up boldly against the BBC's Match of the Day with an FA Cup first-round highlights show, in the kind of gloves-off, footballing head-to-head that hasn't really been seen since the halcyon days when both channels broadcast the Cup Final.

Furthermore, ITV was live and exclusive at Westleigh Park to see if Havant, who had a good run in this competition last season, could put an early one over on Brentford, of Coca-Cola League Two. Here were sights and sounds largely lost to football broadcasts from the snooty upper echelon. The nakedly visible snack bar, for instance. The houses next to the ground. Babies in rainsuits. And the noise of the wind ripping through Tyldesley's car coat.

A single camera on the halfway line frantically panned from side to side. Raindrops dappled the lens, bringing the viewer the eerie foreboding of glaucoma. And the football was dreadful and Havant lost. But, hey, that's the romance of the Cup, too, unfortunately.

Still, Havant's obligatory “sloping pitch” held no fear for Andy Townsend. He walked right round it before the match, underscoring his reputation as a pundit who is prepared to get his brogues wet. One wondered about the suit, though. Tricked out with a pink tie, it was one of those costly looking numbers the former Norwich City dynamo wears on Champions League nights.

Now, this kind of sartorial showmanship may be OK at the San Siro, but one noted how, aloft in the pitchside studio, Steve Rider was dressing down in a sports jacket. It's something for Townsend to think about when the second round takes him to Eastwood Town (possibly).

Meanwhile, farewell to sport's own Heather Small, whose Strictly Come Dancing journey hit the sequin-clad buffers when she got on the blunt end of a poptastic week-eight face-off against Rachel Stevens, formerly of SClub7. Sad for Heather and, it goes without saying, sad for sport. But this is how so many dreams of televised ballroom glory end - not with a bang, but with a samba.

We appreciate, by the way, that Small is not, technically speaking, a sportsperson. Yet such was her anthem-singing ubiquity at the big turn-of-the-century sports occasions that the former vocalist with MPeople pretty much bestrode English sporting achievement during that period.

Indeed, without Small challenging us to think of one thing - anything - we had done on any given day to make us feel proud, England would probably not have won the Ashes in 2005, the rugby union World Cup in 2003 would have gone to Australia, and Paris would even now be clearing ground ahead of the 2012 Olympic Games.

Ballroom, however, owes her nothing - nor anyone else, for that matter, because ballroom is ruthless like that. Witness that sport's initially four-pronged attack on this great old trophy is now - with the loss, in almost as many weeks, of Mark Foster, Andrew Castle and Small - down to one prong: Austin Healey. And, worryingly, “The Leicester Lip” has just had a slightly wobbly round, turning in a rumba that was “uncomfortable to watch”, according to Len Goodman, one of the judges, and handing a crucial psychological toehold to the dangerous-looking Tom Chambers, from Holby City. (Can a toehold be psychological? It can on Strictly Come Dancing.)

What Healey needs to take stock of during the week is that sport's ballroom candle is his alone to bear. And he needs not to be overawed by the responsibility, but, rather, to “use the fear” in his performance.

(I'm quoting the advice of Mariah Carey to the X-Factor contestants. I don't see why it shouldn't apply.) So, go, The Lip. We're with you, even if you are, ultimately, on your own.