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My £400 takeover answers Newcastle's problems

You would need a heart of stone not to laugh at the present plight of Newcastle United — and just wait for the new strip

Name, set and match: why annual adventure ends in tears

Our top players do well to compete against the rest of the world when drawn from a shallow pool of middle-class talent

I’m sorry, but who’d want to sign for Chelsea?

Roman Abramovich’s billions and the best managers money can buy still can’t lure the galacticos to Stamford Bridge

Adios amigo: Ronaldo was brilliant but a cheat

For all Ronaldo’s sublime skill, he was disliked for his un-Britishness, his lack of dignity, his pout and his cheating

Perez certain that sums add up for Madrid

Spaniards insist their big spending is like having money in the bank, and that Cristiano Ronaldo will pay for himself

Big Four strip Cup final of lustre

It’s hard not to feel nostalgic for an era when a different team won the FA Cup at Wembley almost every season

When the going gets tough, the tough get plastered

If everything goes to plan, I will enjoy Millwall’s playoff against Scunthorpe United in a numb alcoholic haze

Arsène Wenger is not guilty as charged

It is true that Gael Clichy hasn’t been spotted for quite a few weeks, but why would Wenger murder his first-choice full-back?

Chelsea: men behaving badly

There was no conspiracy — Chelsea lost because they were not good enough to beat Barcelona, says Rod Liddle

Manuel Almunia cannot fly flag for England

Arsenal's Spanish goalkeeper's should not be allowed to wear the Three Lions

For once, Lampard is not the one divorced from reality

I’m not a huge fan of Fat Frank but he didn’t deserve last week’s shock-jock bile for leaving his ex

Feeble Punch and Judy act should be ditched

Childish sniping between Fergie and Rafa will drag on until the FA is brave enough to dock points

Cash-strapped Saints should go for broke

Southampton’s financial woes make them prime candidates for a merger – with south coast neighbours Portsmouth

Sadly, normal service is about to be resumed

Despite the hiccup, it looks like Manchester United’s prima donnas will win the title — but you don’t have to like it

Legal eagles prey on football

Club owners have become obsessed with pound signs as financial greed tries to eliminate human error from the game

Happy slapper perfect for Kop

Will Mourinho end up at Liverpool, even though Scousers loathe him?

Well done to Luton, but theirs is a cautionary tale

They may not realise it, but Luton and Brighton may be the future some top clubs have to look forward to, says Rod Liddle

Hit-and-miss Arshavin made for Arsenal

If any club in the league were going to bolster their forward line by buying Karl Lagerfeld, it’s surely Arsenal