Rod Liddle
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THE BOARD of Newcastle United must have been watching that old comedy film, Airplane. There’s a scene where the stricken plane, flown by a troubled novice, is approaching the airport and in the control tower they are debating how best to help him land it. “Let’s turn the lights on the runway,” one advises, and the boss says darkly: “No, that’s just what he’ll be expecting us to do.”
I assume a similar conversation took place at St James’ Park as the board considered the best way to undermine their new manager. Who should we bring in that would really screw him up? they thought. Suddenly, as one, they all said: Dennis Wise! “Perfect. But let’s not tell Keegan we’re appointing him until after the deed’s done. And then insist to him – this is genius – that he has to pretend to the press that he did know about it and is really, delighted. That’ll make him look even more of a dick. And have the players confused and dismayed just as they start their relegation battle against Middlesbrough.”
The Tyne-Tees derby is an interesting affair, in a sort of state-of-the-game ironic sense. If Middlesbrough were Newcastle, Gareth Southgate would have been sacked in September and the team would be on their fifth manager of the season by now, and no better off for it. But Middlesbrough are not Newcastle; their fans, board and chairman are more rational, accustomed to being regarded as the third-string side of the northeast – despite regularly outperforming their hubris-stricken neighbours.
For Boro, and their likeable manager and selfless chairman, Steve Gibson, avoiding relegation while playing attractive football with the best crop of youngsters in the Premier League would be a great achievement. And much though I thought it unlikely at the beginning of the season, an achievement that is beginning to look as if it might be realised. Newcastle, meanwhile, burdened with delusions, with intimations of greatness unfulfilled, expected a place close to the Champions League, as they always do. And, again as they always do, they’ve failed. Relegation would be a disaster, unthinkable, because they’re Newcastle. But they might pull it off. It’s happened before.
Newcastle United wanted a manager who fitted with the image they have of themselves. If they’d wanted a manager who fitted in with the image the rest of us have of them they’d have swooped for Henry Conway, the homosexual fantasist son of the Tory MP Derek Conway, as soon as the story broke. Fur coat and no knickers. But their image of themselves is of latent magnificence, of Wor Jackie and Bobby Moncur and Supermac.
Frankly, nobody is good enough for Newcastle United; if they’d appointed Jesus Christ as manager they’d have whined about him playing with a flat back four and quickly brought in Judas Iscariot to act as a “director of football”. A rational perusal of the long list of those they have employed to drag their team towards the heights of the Premier League would suggest Glenn Roeder has been by far the most successful in recent years, and against all the odds, too. But quiet, likeable, decent Roeder didn’t fit in with that image they had in their heads.
It’s not so long ago I reported here that the disaffected Geordie fans were chanting “Roeder out, Roeder out!” – and on cue, there were anguished missives to this paper from the eastern end of Hadrian’s Wall. But within four weeks, Roeder was out. What, exactly, did he do wrong? He did better for you than you could have expected, at the time.
Or better than any sane, rational, human being could have expected, which maybe isn’t quite the same thing. Bizarre though it might seem, the players seem to have a better grip on reality at St James’ Park than the fans or the board. None are interested in going there, as the January transfer window amply demonstrated. Those who do go there do so at the point of a gun, like poor Michael Owen. The long-serving, such as Shay Given, know they are in for a relegation battle. The rest do their damndest to get the hell out.
Football’s thoroughly agreeable personalities are rare but, you have to say, Kevin Keegan is one of them. His return to Newcastle, I reckon, was motivated by a laudable romanticism. Every neutral supporter would wish him well, while musing that things don’t look too promising. Three games played, one goalless draw, at home to Bolton, and two heavy defeats. No goals scored, six against. I daresay a home defeat to Boro will end with the Keegan Out! chants ringing around the ground, Wisey smirking in the stand.
Meanwhile Boro will continue with the admirable Southgate; the smallest of those three great towns of northeast football and likely, once again, to finish top of the pile. Come on, Boro.
Rod Liddle is the most controversial commentator on sport in the British media. Previously the editor of BBC Radio 4’s Today programme and now a columnist with The Spectator, he brings an often outrageous and always provocative fan's view to The Sunday Times every week
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Great article from Rod who is by far my favourite journalist. Meanwhile this reframe from Newcastle fans that they're "sick of people who dont have a clue about our club commenting on us" is starting to sound a bit repetitive and in danger of turning into paranoia. In the nineties they were everyone except the partisan's second favourite team because of the style of the football they played and the perception of Kevin Keegan as one of the few remaining genuine people in the game. However liked as kevin is- he has well documented shortcomings as a manager .And being that Newcastle have been off the rails ever since his last reign ended, Rod liddle is entitled to point to the overall malaise of this strangest of football clubs which by dint of it's expenditure should be in the top four yet languishes in danger of relegation. This latest appointment of Dennis Wise is as absurd and has been as absurdly handled as anything coming before.
D whitts, sheffield,
Seems like Rod Liddle has a Liddle Rod to me..
HeyZeus, Gaziantep,
look im sick of people who dont have a clue about our club commenting on us.
lets look at the managers that we grew 'impatient' with. Kenny Dalglish took the 2nd best team in the league and turned them into the 13th best, if any of us did such a poor job in our workplace we would be sacked. Ruud Gullit resigned and had undergone a very poor run that left us bottom of the league. Bobby Robson did a great job but indiscipline and player trouble not fans unrest with his mangement bought about his unpopular sacking. Graeame Souness took the 5th best team in the league and made them into the 14th best (see Dalglish reasoning). Roeder falied to take newcastle on despite inital promising start. Allardyce, all we asked for was entertaining football and a reasonable league position ie top 8 we all knew it wasnt working Sam and his brand of football mixed with newcaslte is like mixing onion and chocolate.
Also you mention poor michael owen. Owen owes newcastle alot considering the last 3 yrs
Euan Anderson, NEWCASTLE,
Newcastle WAS a great city - I worked from there, but the wonderful streets of once grand offices are now home to wine bars and coffee shops, just like Middlesbrough. The football club went down the river with the shipbuilding industry, and the great Geordie fans will have to come to terms with the fact that the very best talent will continue to flow to London, Manchester, even Birmingham, and the flash south coast. Woody went to Spurs because he was dropped in favour of Wheater and Huth and Boro have improved out of sight since then (though not clear of danger) and just might end up higher than Newcastle. Viduka came to Tyneside for the money, nothing else, and you're welcome to him (as a player, nice bloke though). Keegan's bubble has burst, no matter what the results henceforth, and probably won't stay long. Maybe Shearer should have been the academy director.
But, for goodness sake, please don't lose to Sunderland
frm, Boro, Yorkshire /UK
wot yer telkin' aboot man? wor the sleepin' giants, divvn't ye naar!
Pete Beardsmore, N'castle,
I read your "article" with some bewilderment as to what exactly Newcastle United could have done to you to make you so very biassed against them. Surely, some of your comments about the Geordies would have you branded a racist if you were to make them about another nationality.
For your reference, I, like many other Newcastle supporters, have written the remainder of this season off. There are no delusions of grandeur, and no great misplaced thoughts of playing in Europe. I have been disappointed to see my team struggle this season.
I do agree that the behaviour of the board could have harmed the club, but I think a great many more problems are being caused by the continual hounding of the media.
I, for one, would like other disinterested, yet for some reason bitter and hateful, parties to get off the manager and the teams backs, and stop telling the fans what they expect, instead of asking them.
Perhaps you should concentrate on fact, and not your opinion about a team you dislike.
Davies, Newbury,
Journalism and facts are far oo often estranged bedfellows, but you really do expect better than the "kick em when they're down" hysteria of the tabloids in The Times. As a regular Newcastle devotee I can vouch for the fans in that they never publicly barracked Roeder and put Allardyce under very little pressure . The press built the situation to the levels that it reached and since the departure of Sam, the fans have simply welcomed a returning hero, wishing at the same time for an upturn in the quality of the product. Nobody's saying we deserve CL football every year, yet the same garbage is being regurgitated day after day. Personally I think this article and many like it verge on Racism. Like old colonial nations of the past, we don't care what the rest of "mother country" or the national press think. Being forcefed abusive press articles simply increases our regional identity and isolation. We take pride in our traditions and values, a shame England in general does not.
GLF, Northumberland,
Re: Chris from Gateshead. Here's Keegan's comments to media after Wise's appointment:
"I'm reluctant to tell you all I know as I really don't know anything," said Keegan.
"I just don't know enough about it so it's pointless me saying something or sitting down and saying to you this wasn't quite right or that wasn't quite right. I just want to focus on the game with Arsenal."
Doesn't sound like he knew very much at all, then in the match programme on Sunday he was saying that he knew all about it! He's been fitted up.
Simon, M'bro,
If this was directed at another country and its people it would be classed as racist. Why do people care so much about a small club in the North? It seems everyone likes to tell us what our expectations are when that haven't got a clue about the club or the fans. Gets your facts right or just stick to reporting on those boring souther teams that no one cares about.
ps. Newcastle and Sunderland are cities, not towns (another mistake, funny that).
Stephen McMenzie, Newcastle upon Tyn, Tyne and Wear
Your article is biased in the extreme and belongs in a Middlesbrough fanzine, not a national newspaper.
You would think it was written by someone with feelings for Middlesbrough, your time spent growing up and playing in your band there hasn't compromised your impartiality has it, Rod?
Quick -edit your wiki profile before anyone notices.
John, Newcastle,
The truth often hurts and i can hear the "Geordie Nation" in a colective wince as they read this article. Deluded fans and the biggest joke of a management team ever assembled. Seems like the new Chairman is a chip off the old block.
Rob Gray, Manchester, England
The comments posted here from 'fanatical' Newcastle support seems to provide justification for the article. Newcastle fans should realise that they are fast slipping into the category of 'team you love to hate' although in reality it should be 'team you have to pity'.
I get fed up with the argument that because Newcastle have good attendances they are a 'big' club. Continued success puts you in the 'big' club category rather than attendance. Fair enough you can claim to be a 'well supported' club but the underachieving of this club beggars belief. Newcastle fans need to take a reality check and realise that a UEFA cup place year in year out would signify a good return - you are well behind the likes of Spurs, City and Everton in terms of potential to challenge for CL. Mid table mediocrity is something you need to become accustomed to. Unfortunately a reality check will not happen when 'Messiah' is used to describe KK boss who has never actually won a top flight trophy as manager.
DR, N.Wales,
Come on Boro indeed. Well said Rod - "Hubris-stricken neighbours", although mention Hubris to your average geordie and they'll say "aye, canny player him like".
Guy Bailey, Bicester, Oxon
Arsenal
Is it permissable for one player to have white socks while the rest of the team where red?
john churcher, enfield,
being regarded as the third-string side of the northeast â despite regularly outperforming their hubris-stricken neighbours - Sorry how many times ave boro beat newcastle since premiership began????? I dont think the word regularly can be used really, can it?
willis, leeds, leeds, leeds,
Brilliant, at last a member of the press that recognises Middlesbrough's commitment. Not sure I'd include Sunderland as a "great town" however.
Jen, Bristol,
One might contend that the 'nail' has well and truly been hit, rather firmly and with great accuracy, on the head!
A master piece Mr. Liddle.....well done Sir...I could not agree more....C'mon Boro!
Chris Dodds, Shepshed, Leics
utter tosh liddle, utter tosh.
mic miller, Nottingham,
If Middlesbrough were Newcastle, Gareth Southgate would have been sacked in September and the team would be on their fifth manager of the season by now
When did Newcastle sack the other four managers this season, I must have missed that one!
frederick newton, ardrossan, scotland
Unfortunately Rod Liddle this article is outrageous and trying too hard to be provocative. But typically not much truth and very boring. Well done
Adam , Bishop Auckland, UK
It's really sad that southern based so called journalists like you seem to spend so much time talking rubbish about are ''small'' club.
I love the fact you state your oppinion as fact, Keegan didn't know about Wise? How do you know that, yes we would like success but no one up here expect's it. There is an amazing thing called the internet, try looking up some fact before you spout off.
50,000+ every home game, sold out away applications, yea that's from a set of fans that has had to watch rubbish for years. How many of your southern ''Big'' clubs would be able to say the same?
Time to get a grip and let your Anti Newcastle complex go. SAD
Chris, Gateshead, UK
I recall being taken by my Grandfather to watch a Newcastle side in a cup-tie with a crowd of 75,000. It was a terrifying experience on earth-banked stands with scaffold pole barriers & wooden planks to form the terraces. The dedication of the fans was amazing. That enthusiasm (and revenue) has never turned into sustained success on the pitch. Players & managers form the North-East have excelled in many successful clubs but rarely in Newcastle. The common factor is the consistent poor quality of the executive management . Spare cash & executive capability do not correlate.
John Barkham, Burton-on-Trent, Staffs
Bravo -well said. Boro and their chairman Steve Gibson get very little recognition for what they have done. it wasn't so long ago the club where playing in 19th century staium and on the verge of extinction.
Richard Dawes, Brixton, London, UK
Do you have anything to turn your speculation into proven fact, or would that be just too much to ask ?
Anthony McMenzie, Whitley Bay, Geordieland
Welcome to another missive from east of Hadrian's Wall. Can you please tell me when Newcastle fans chanted "Roeder out"? Sloppy journalism then and to repeat it now is very poor. The fact that Roeder left (officially a resignation) is obviously fact, but unfortunately Newcastle could not offer the best Chairman in the league - an honour that does fall to middlesbrough.
If Boro do finish top of the North East pile, then well done, but the only person who deserves it is Steve Gibson. Will you be among the massive (yes that's sarcastic) 1800 people travelling to support your team at the game today, or are you like my colleague whose psychic powers I had to praise when he was looking for a Carling Cup Final ticket and I pointed out he hadn't been to earlier games said that you can't go to all games when you do so well in the cup competitions!
Check all time Premiership statistics and see where the two clubs sit in relation to each other, I suspect you won't the look of the table.
steve, manchester,
Oh dear Rod, you display, like many of your London based colleagues a lack of understanding of Newcastle and its supporters. You even, nearly, achieve the impossible, and persuade me that there is a conspiracy against the Toon. But of course there isn't. Neil Armstrong did walk on the moon and Lee Harvey Oswald did shoot Kennedy.
Newcastle supporters WANT success, they do not expect it. Leave that to Liverpool supporters who have enjoyed success that we dream of, but who do not have the good grace to realise that it is not a god given right.
Yes, some of our boards have in the past, treated club and supporters badly, but we are not the only club whose owners have treated fans as a milch cow or the club as a personal fiefdom.
Real supporters of Newcastle outweigh those whom you and your media colleagues seem to think you understand. We know success is years away.In the meantime we want fun. We want to enjoy going to SJP.
For all his faults, KK is giving us that.
ozymandias 1948, Durham, United Kingdom
When exactly did Boro "regularly outperforming their hubris-stricken neighbours " look at the facts since Newcastle's promotion to the Premier league, Boro have finished above Newcastle 3 times out of 14 seasons.Rod Liddle I would suggest is a controversial commentator because he disregards the facts.
D Reeve, Newcastle,
I read your amusing article, however I think it is a bit too early to signal Newcastle's demise, although you are right to point out that the next couple of games are crucial. Since Keegan arrived we have drawn one and lost two, however the two games lost were to an Arsenal team who along with Man United are playing fantastically well at the moment. I wonder if there are any mid-to-end table clubs who could have fared better.
I really do think Newcastle will survive in the Premiership this season, probably languishing mid-table till the end. But as an armchair supporter of Newcastle I do often cringe at the attitude of our supporters. Sometimes called fickle, often vindictive, I hope with improved results their temperament improves, and the overall reputation of Newcastle football club improves too. Only time will tell.
David Hymers, London,