Simon Barnes, Chief Sports Writer
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It’s all very nice to get asked to a party, but it would have been helpful if it had said on the invitation whether it was for a canonisation or a lynching. In normal life these things are unlikely to be confused, but in football they are so close that a condemned man can become a saint in the time it takes to score a goal, while in the same interval a man can be dragged off his throne of glory and taken to the gallows.
Last week this match was all set for the lynching of the England head coach, Steve McClaren. It looked like being a dead match, with England down and out of the European Championship. Then Russia made the not very startling discovery that if you prick young Israeli males in their pride, you are likely to get an explosive reaction.
As a result of Israel’s victory, England were suddenly back in it. Does this make McClaren a genius? Does it mean that, contrary to what the fans have been singing, that he does know what he is doing after all? Last night, at least at the start, as McClaren appeared in his technical area beneath an enormous and comic umbrella, there seemed to be a lack of certainty as to how to react.
A chant of “We are not entirely sure whether or not you know what you’re doing but we’ll probably have a better idea in a couple of hours” would probably have covered it but it lacks bounce. Instead, the stadium was suffused with a passionate uncertainty: the mood was all “they’re surely not going to f*** it up now, are they?”
Not exactly the raucous explosion of patriotism that McClaren had asked for: despite the really rather unnecessary appearance of a band of Iraq veterans, who turned up to exploit the traditional sport/war confusion. But the fan’s equivocal response came about because football doesn’t like uncertainty, save when it comes to the result. You are either a genius or a fool. There is no middle way.
The truth is that most managers are caught some way between messiah and turnip: but we just won’t accept it. You simply have to be either one or the other. Sven-Göran Eriksson began his term as England head coach as a genius and ended it as a fool. He was neither. McClaren is likewise neither, but he knew he was going to end up the evening as one or the other.
Brave, they said, decisive, they said, when he dropped both David Beckham and Paul Robinson, his increasingly dodgy goalkeeper, for the wet-behind-the-ears Scott Carson. Ha! That’s the sort of decision that shows what kind of manager you are. Which makes McClaren either unlucky or a hopeless judge of character, and neither of these are good things for a manager-to-be. Carson’s eighth-minute howler, an error far worse than Robinson’s famous misfortune with the divot, was one of football’s classic instantaneous disasters.
England had been looking good for eight minutes, but what good was that? That awful first goal set the tone for a classic night of England-watching agony. McClaren, looking like Mary Poppins under his umbrella, gulped from a bottle of water wishing it were brandy.
He scribbled furiously in his notebook: what was he writing? Something about goodbye cruel world? Goodbye cruel sport? Or perhaps, rather more to the point, just goodbye cruel job. The half-time whistle went and the crowd was at last united, was certain of its response. The boos rang out, more in sorrow and dismay than in anger.
Throughout his brief tenure, McClaren has made such reputation as he has by alternately dropping and recalling Beckham at the media’s behest. So at half-time the inevitable gamble. Beckham came on to rescue a manager who was now turned himself into a sort of Rodin statue: Desperation With Brolly. Jermain Defoe came on as well and within ten minutes had won a penalty, proving, no doubt, that McClaren is a genius after all. Frank Lampard converted it with conviction.
But the man who writes Beckham’s scripts had yet to go into action. Oh, that right-foot cross: how many times have we seen it? Seldom more perfect and more timely, that’s for sure: and Peter Crouch’s finish was a truly fitting response to its beauty. McClaren, now sans umbrella and with waterproof jacket aflap, came close to exploding with relief. Oh brave new world that has such geniuses in it!
There is a sort of tradition in football that states when two sides both need a draw, a draw sort of arranges itself. Alas, no one told the Croats. A third goal felt like a breach of propriety, but it was enough to do for England and McClaren. It seems his reputation for genius is no more. The turnip stood revealed beneath the umbrella while the skies wept.
Simon Barnes is the multi-award-winning chief sportswriter at The Times. He also writes a Saturday column on wildlife. His 15 books include three novels and the best-selling How To Be A Bad Birdwatcher. His latest, The Meaning of Sport, was published last autumn. He lives in Suffolk with his family and five horses
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Strange premise to this article.
If England had muddled through to the finals, there is absolutely no way anyone would have called McLaren a genius.
Steve, London, UK
Why dont we just forgetabout football in the summer of 2008. No revamped Home International Tournament, no friendlies againsr Euro qualifiers.Let the players have a rest after the FA Cup final.
Is that another pig flying?
Kevin White, NORTHAMPTON,
Mclaren was so PR prone than in the detail of football. His first act was to appoint the publicist Mac Clifford. He will stop looking just when should be doing so. A tradegy awaits his next adventure.
Nyasamo, Cheltenham, England
why do u all judge McLaren? your footballers played awful. its them who's got to be out of team first((
alexander, moscow, russia
A plea to everyone - dont blame McCalren! - he was never good enough to manage England but he did his best - point those fingers at the FA - thats where the buck stops!
mark, reading, uk
It's Macedonia, not the Former Republic...
Comiserations to the Formerly Great Britain...
Igor, London, UK
It is only the game and Croatia made a great gift for us.
England has good players, which have knowledge, technic but not spirit.
And we go to European Championship, because we more wanted it then you.
Alex, Moscow, Russia
What has England achieved since 1966? 10 World Cup campaigns, 10 Euro Championships and not a single appearance in a final. The problem goes much deeper than McClaren. If work starts tomorrow at the basic levels, England may have a team of the Brazil, Argentina, Germany, Italy and France standards in 10 years' time.
Leonard, New York, USA
The simple problem lies in the fact that as a nation we don't play as we do in our premier league. Play at the pace we play at on a Saturday afternoon and we'll give most nations a game. In an England shirt our quality players look average, when was the last time that Gerrard, Lampard and co. shone? Where's the passion, you only have to watch our Rugby team sing the national anthem to see passion, our footballers don't even seem to know the words.
Stuart Hepburn, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire
"There is a sort of tradition in football that states when two sides both need a draw, a draw sort of arranges itself. Alas, no one told the Croats."
That tradition is one of the reasons for my loss of interest in football over the years. But the 'Croats' playing to win regardless of the overall outcome is a breaking with tradition that could reignite my interest in the game. I will be watching out for their future matches even if I no longer bother with England.
Louise, Sutton,
Reading this article, I couldn't help thinking of Schroedinger's cat. McClaren certainly had his wave function well & truly popped.
Andy, Radwinter, England
Simon, re: your comment about, quote, "the really rather unnecessary appearance of a band of Iraq veterans, who turned up to exploit the traditional sport/war confusion."
I can only dream that "free and brave" independent-minded American sports columnists could write the same, but they all march lockstep and never question why uniformed zombies with rifles should be lining up at the halfway line of their football matches. I'm pretty sure this afternoons' Thanksgiving Day football games will feature the usual militarist rubbish that has no business at sporting events other then to brainwash the mindless saps watching.
Thomas, Ontario, Canada
The job of England Manager is a Poison Chalice....ask any of the ex-geniuses who drank from it and died as fools.....Steve McClaren is not the first nor will he be the last ; such is the nature of the game....
Mike Lee, Singapore, Singapore
There were 3 basic reasons for last night's catastrophe. Firstly, the FA should be held accountable for the state of the pitch; the Russians could have fielded the Bolshoi and still beaten us. Who's crazy idea was it to allow a NFL game beforehand? The result was a pure lottery. Secondly, it was clear to fans and viewers from other nations that our coaches failed to take into account the state of the pitch. The Croats played the ball to their colleagues feet whereas not one English pass going forward appeared to go to Crouch's feet and I don't ever recollect a single pass to the sub Defoe who was let down by the so-called world class players who should have provided him clinical passes to his feet. The third and last failing was from the players themselves. To the rest of the population their weekly salaries ranging from £20,000-120,000 are utterly out of step with their performances. Investment bankers are paid on performance; it is high time english clubs face up to this travesty.
Richard Hoblyn FSI, Limoges, FRANCE
England needs McLaren like London needs another round of the plague.... I know it's been a few hundred years since the last infestation of the Black Death but it's starting to seem like its been almost as long since we've had a good manager for the National Team.
Mark Smith, Vacaville, USA
Ok, may be english players are not the best in the world (neither ours are. The Serie A leading team, the Inter, have not italian players in the best formation), and their group was not particularly easy (neither our was), but certanly they are good enough to reach the European Championship in normal conditions.
May be it's not all coach's fault, but certanly the English national team needs to change, starting from the coach, to breathe some fresh air.
Now, there are two discrete italian coachs waiting for a job, Marcello Lippi and Fabio Capello.
Do you think it's time to give one of them a chance?
Andrea, Rome, Italy
McClaren has made many mistakes (notably, how he has handled the goalkeeper issue) but maybe it is time we all realise that the current crop of English footballers is not as good as the press and the fans think. How many English players would play regularly in a major European club like AC Milan, Bayern, Barcelona etc? I can only name 4 or 5 (Gerrard, Terry, Rooney and maybe Lampard and Beckham, at this stage of his career). Let's wake up and smell the coffee: the manager made mistakes but the material he had was not up to European standards and showed little (if any) pride and passion. Just compare their behaviour and attitude last night with the Scots' last Saturday.....
Charles, Sevenoaks,
I'm not sure what you been watching this campaign but it has been obvious since the Macedonia home game that McClaren has been out of his depth. It did not take yesterdays result to confirm that. It is quite difficult for a major nation to finish as low as 3rd in a group which does not include another major nation yet we were fortunate to be in with a chance on 2nd place yesterday. The writing has been on the wall for some time.
Richard McNulty, Birmingham, England
Feel sorry for you guys. I don't believe that Steve M is your biggest problem. Your problem is the fact that Gerrard and Lampard can't play together. In my opinion it's clear that Lampard has to make way for Gerrard, who's is more of leadership material.
J, Stockholm,
Sven Goran Eriksson
Pix, Alfta, Sweden
Croatia deserved the win. Just look at the passion of the manager when the 3rd goal went in for them!
Where is the passion of our manager?
Mark , London, England
Derek check your facts mate, think you'll find it was Portugal that put England out in World Cup 2006. And only losing to certain teams doesn't make your coach a genius!!
James, Cardiff,
Sacking Mac Laren will be easier than facing the structural causes of England's constant under-achievement.
Premier League has money, much money, billionaires' cash flow and tax free wages that allow buying any valuable player anywhere at any age.
Hence you can draw a parallel line betwin England national team's fragility and the League's power progression in the football's post Bosman era.
So it might be time -not only for England- to bring some level of regulation (spendings and numbers of national players in clubs) to allow spirit back in the game.
Pierre, Paris, France
Is this really very appropriate?
"Then Russia made the not very startling discovery that if you prick young Israeli males in their pride, you are likely to get an explosive reaction."
Either way, this Scot tried to get behind England last night, but a disdain for McClaren made it a joyous night in the end, despite the punches raining down from my English wife.
James, Notts,
England are 2-0 down at halftime and the boos ring out. Liverpool in Istanbul are 3-0 down at halftime and "you'll never walk alone" rings out. How ironic that the country with the best supporters in the world don't know how to support their country. Sad.
Jim, Brussels, Belgium
We now know for certain that money does not motivate millionaires; £250k for qualification. Good leadership and self respect, on the other hand do in all walks of life. England's management lacks the former and the players the latter (with the odd exception).
The FA should learn about competency based recruitment techniques and contracts that reward ONLY success.
Phil, Northampton, UK
HA HA HA...McClaren is clueless!!!!! He is a woeful manager.
kerry hughes, Liverpool,
Sven proven to be a genius, only ever beaten by Brazil at a major tournament. Manchester City are the biggest benefcators here where as the England team, supporters and the FA are the biggest losers.
Derek Tinker, Brisbane, Queensland
This is what the premiership will look like if we start having restrictions on foreign players. Benitez and Wegner are the two best managers in the league for spotting young talent, and the fact that the vast majority of their signings come from overseas speaks volumes for the state of english youth football.
The only outcome of restrictions will be making the premiership worst. England are a class side but they are overhyped by the media and overestimated by the fans. It doesn't matter if MacClaren stays or goes because it will always stay that way and its naive to think anything will change.
Mave, Brighton,
The Swedes are always there, England sometimes Sweden have not lose to England for 50 years.
So you are not BEST in the Universium far far away..........
Sweden Rules and take Svennis back, look at the statistics best ever for a Captain. so perhaps play Cricket in england...instead
10 to 15 in world play that there you can win.
Roger, BÃ¥lsta, Sweden
Sad to see fragmented England knocked out, but fair dos to Croatia - they deserved the win. MacClaren's error prone ways have finally caught up with him and will surely be ousted. That said, I think his choices for Eng players was limited. Perhaps the quota idea is a runner after all?
PJ, Manchester,
Why are you always blaming the coach in British football? You have to see what kind of squad you as well. I lived in Birmingham during the last European Championship and I have to say that you don´t really have a sober attitude towards your football team in the UK. You are a very good football nation, but not as good as you think/wish. If you want to critzise then I suggest you focuse on the players.
Tomas Jonsson, Stockholm,