Simon Barnes
Star musicians and your favourite Times writers at the Albert Hall
“Yet let me flap this bug with gilded wings, This painted child of dirt,
that stinks and stings.”
Pope, Epistle to Dr Arbuthnot
I bet you thought the same. This little twerp won’t amount to a thing. No bottom to him. Just a collection of tricks and a pocket full of poses. A haircut with football boots. It was not just that the preening femininity seemed so inappropriate to football, it was that he seemed so unutterably silly.
No 7 for Manchester United and yet a person who had come to decorate the game, not to light it up. A fop, a person so conscious of his own handsomeness that your toe aches for the feel of the seat of his shorts, a person for whom the answer to everything lies in his own vanity. In short, a tosser.
We have been forced over the years to change our mind – or at least amend our opinion – about David Beckham, and now we are in the process of doing the same thing with Cristiano Ronaldo. So let us talk about free kicks.
A strange thing happens to a football match when there is a free kick with a shooting opportunity. The entire dynamic of the game changes. It ceases to be a game of movement: 20 outfielders in motion at the same time. Only one man moves. It becomes a game of stillness; a game like cricket.
When a fast bowler moves in to bowl – and we feel this moment most at the start of a session, a match, a series – there is a moment of expectation and everyone on the field is still, all save one.
And then the moment of drama, the ball striking the Australian batsman on the elbow or sailing hideously into the hands of second slip. It was a free kick that made us realise that there was more to Beckham than a floppy fringe and winsome right-foot cross. The occasion was the World Cup of 1998; England had just lost to Romania and needed to beat Colombia to progress.
Beckham had not played against Tunisia and had been a substitute against Romania. It was one of those classic, fraught England nights. Darren Anderton gave England the lead and Beckham got the second with a 30-yard free kick. Simultaneously, we knew that England were through and that Beckham was the real thing.
Ronaldo’s free kick in the 2-0 win over Portsmouth on Wednesday night was a confirmation rather than revelation of his emergence from tosserdom. It was a belter, all right: brilliant not only for power and accuracy, but because it went to the right-footed striker’s right – the wrong side – at extreme pace.
A step-over is the most self-indulgent trick in football, and Ronaldo was inevitably obsessed with this move when he first went to United. But as I watched the initial strutting and prancing of this show-pony, this water-fly, there was one thing that impressed almost despite myself.
Ronaldo made himself a natural target for kicking. And this was not an invitation many spurned. It is an old pro’s rule: you can outplay him and that’s fine, but if your dominance turns to mockery, then you are morally obliged to receive a whack in the shins.
Ronaldo received whack after whack after whack, but like the wobbly man in the nursery, he always got up again. And then he would get the ball, run at the same defender and perform 17 step-overs in rapid succession. There was courage here, courage to go into confrontation, courage to take the pain, courage, above all, to be himself in the most unpromising circumstances.
Beckham and Ronaldo both came back from a World Cup as hate objects. Both of them were advised to move abroad because they would not be able to take the weight of hatred that would be directed at them. Beckham’s disgrace came because he was sent off against Argentina for petulance; Ronaldo because, playing for Portugal against England, he was perceived as having helped to get Wayne Rooney sent off.
On both these occasions, the incident was instrumental in getting England knocked out. Ronaldo’s predicament was made more complex because Rooney was his colleague at Old Trafford. Both Beckham and Ronaldo had made a future in England untenable.
Beckham’s response was to have the season of his life as United won the treble. Ronaldo’s response was to help United to win back the league title, to start scoring goals in quantity, and to be seen as the best player in the world. This season, he has gone better: 27 goals in all competitions.
There is a link between these footballers, and it goes deeper than shirt numbers and haircuts and party tricks. It is courage, sometimes to the point of recklessness. Beckham’s courage in taking the penalty that beat Argentina in his famous World Cup revenge match of 2002 was an example, so was his willingness to carry on taking penalties even though he kept missing them.
For both of them, vanity is not so much a flaw as a part of the package. Vanity is a kind of inspiration. Beckham would have been a lesser footballer without fame and adulation, it is part of the process that fuels him. Ronaldo must fulfil the cravings of his vanity – his need to be the best is so urgent that it has become self-fulfilling.
Now Beckham has received the news that he will not get his 100th England cap as a freebie next week. It is another setback for him to fight against: well, no question but that he’ll do his damnedest. That, as we now know, is the way he is. Ronaldo is probably already a better player than Beckham, his prolific scoring-rate is unanswerable. If he is lucky with injuries, he will have an exceptional career; we know that he has the nature for it.
Beckham has fallen short of greatness. He wanted to be the best player in the world and was never quite in that category. But he had the courage to try. That is the point, he held nothing back. Nothing has wearied him of the struggle. If all England managers have to drop him to show how strong they are, Beckham will do his best to prove them wrong.
Ronaldo is having his tilt at greatness and it will be fascinating to see how far he can get. He will push it as far as he can, if only because he is driven by his own vanity, a force of immense power and purpose.
We measure a writer by his work, not by his nature. When we read a book we don’t have the author’s haircuts or his private follies getting in the way of the words on paper: Proust’s moustache and his cork-lined room and his bizarre feelings about dead rats don’t affect us when we read the books.
But the nature of a footballer’s work means that his distracting silliness can get in the way of our appreciation of his oeuvre. But Beckham is now close to the conclusion of a flawed minor masterpiece and Ronaldo might or might not do better. With both, the silliness conceals the courage and it is courage that counts.

Simon Barnes is the multi-award-winning chief sportswriter at The Times. He also writes a Saturday column on wildlife. His 15 books include three novels and the best-selling How To Be A Bad Birdwatcher. His latest, The Meaning of Sport, was published last autumn. He lives in Suffolk with his family and five horses
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The stuff about Ronaldo "cheating" is ridiculously overdone. Sure he goes down and appeals, but so does Micheal Owen. Except when Micheal Owen finds diverts to find a trailing leg he's clever because he's "won" a penalty.
Ronaldo does NOT however, despite being repeatedly kicked, go down and roll around in fake agony. He normally rolls to his knees and appeals to the ref. I think also people don't account for the fact that running at his speed, a small (but still illegal) knock is enough to put him off his stride.
He does sometimes try it on, but so do half the other players in the premiership, given a chance. Ronaldo just has more chances because he's a better player.
Nick, France,
colin from brisbane, spot on. 'spoilt child' antics will always detract from grace and greatness.
chris, moscow, russian federation
Irrespective of the subject - this is a beautiful piece of writing.
In respect of the subject - it is accurate and charming.
Well done and thank you.
S Williams, London,
A great article, but I am left with a question: How will Beckham and Ronaldo be remembered? Will they be thought of in the same way we recall Pele and Bobby Charlton, or will we rank them as lesser mortals with Maradona and Zidane? All of these have been superlative players, but Pele and Charlton have both possessed an even more significant quality - grace. Maradona's "Hand of God" and Zidane's headbutt relegate them to a lower division.
While the article wrestled with the force of vanity, I know that I am more disturbed by Ronaldo's failure to distinguish between legitimate trickery (the application of superb physical skills) and cheating. Of course he is not the only player to "simulate"; however, his vanity leads him to believe he is above the laws of the game and renders the disapproval of others inconsequential.
I'm trying to imagine Pele diving and writhing, and it just isn't working. Ronaldo is a good player, but will never be great.
Colin, Brisbane, Australia
Ronaldo was never a show pony in the the same vein as Beckham. This bloke was always a great player which Beckham and Rooney will never be.
After the last World cup all the ManU fans swore that he would never play for them again but he was so good that them cant get enough of him; Rooney is seldom mentioned as a standout at ManU.
Beckham is not in the same class as Ronaldo but is very good at publicity and PR while his football talents are debatable.
hortense vaughan, london,
Marvelous piece Simon, in this day and age we could very well get a peek at a writer or artist as they worked, but on to foodball.
If you watch a player in training, you would see them perform a host of party tricks, outrageous shots at goals, and stunning freekicks.
The same player would pale in comparison in a game that meant anything.
Unless that player was a Ronaldo or a Beckham.
Beckham also had a moment of confirmation, if you remember it, when he shat from his own half to beat a Wimbledon keeper.
The courage that players like these display, encourage us.
Ming Art, Penang, Malaysia
'He who knows it feels it'...
Those of us who have actually aspired to, & dared to attempt to live up to dreams of playing in the arenas of both Beckham & Ronaldo, will nod their heads in grudging respect for both men..
Those of us who have pulled rough boots onto aching feet in rain, sleet & shine to strike stitched leather will stand testimony to the technical skill, football wizardry & pure bloody mindness of Masters Beckham & Ronaldo....
Those of us who have lifted a trophy soaked in blood & guts will appreciate the energy, the soul & the passion that has been lost, sucked from the body to attain this piece of metal..
I do not know them personally, I cannot say I like them but they have reached the Mount Olympus of boyhood dreams the length & breadth of the land and we thank God that we can relive our dreams, week in, week out, through men such as Beckham & Ronaldo..
I salute them.
jimmy garber, london,
Beckham as show pony? He was never that good. Like Fraser from London, Cantona is my benchmark for greatness at United.
mark mcfarland, dubai, uae
i personally am an Arsenal supporter ,the main thing i dislike about Ronaldo is when he cheats to gain a penalty or the like. But there is no doubt that the man can play ,and it is a pleasure when he plays well for he raises the status of the game.Making personal attacks about him is really a very pathetic thing to do.
Antoine, Warsaw, Poland
I'm so lucky to be a Manchester United fan because I've immensely enjoyed the contribution of both Beckham and Ronaldo to United's cause.
Charbel, Houston,
All is vanity including fancy writing.' In sport you are either good enough or your not ' - remember ? They are both ( and always have been ) courageous and talented footballers...the problem was always all yours mate.
Mick, Adelaide, South Australia
As an all round player, Ronaldo is already a better player than Beckham ever was.....and Beckham was far from bad.
Paul, London,
Ronaldo is great, to say his greatness is because of Vanity is ridiculous. A physical demanding sport is horrible on the body and mind, and David along with Cristiano are Unreal at their respective sport. Give them, and all other professional atheletes at the top of their game the praise they deserve. While we sit back and write articles about them, and stuff our face with fried foods and make fun of their hair and Vanity...they are out there playing. Ronaldo is the best right now, he's pretty darn good. End of story.
David, Texas, Texas
I think true Man United Fans trusted big Alec's judgement when Ronaldo was going through his pantomime horse stage, he has already outstripped the overated Beckham. Fergie as usual let him go exactly the right time, he was playing poorly for Man United and losing goals for England due to his ineffectiveness in midfield, not properly highlighted I thought, due to the fact that he was the darling of the English Sporting Media.
Ronaldo is already a legend but has a way to go until he is as iconic as the magnificent Cantona
Fraser, London,
I'm not a Manchester United fan. I don't really care how England do either to be honest.
But I enjoy good football. This is why I like to watch players such as Beckham, who might not be one of the greatest players in the world, but is certainly in the Top One of England players who have tried hardest. You knew that when he was on the pitch, he cared as much as the fans. He played like a fan.
As for Ronaldo, sure we sneer at his flash tricks. We mock his pretty-boy looks, his arrogant posturing. But he is very, very good, and a pleasure to watch. When he scores one of his extravagant goals, and rather than running around with his shirt over his head just shrugs his shoulders and gives a wry grin, you can't help grinning too.
Unless it's your team he's scored against, then you hate him as much as you would like him to play for you.
shorehamview, Sunny Sheffield,
Superb article. I've no qualms in saying that Ronaldo is the best player in the world right now. His goal to game ratio is staggering.
Nick Turnbull, Canterbury, UK
Cristiano Ronaldo, to my mind, is clearly the real thing. I have not seen this kind of running power since the young Ronaldo was tearing holes in the world's defences. He possesses exceptional balance, incredible footwork, is able to execute a large range of tricks at exceptional pace, is an excellent crosser and a superb header of the ball and has an incredible goal return for a winger. On top of this he is now adding some dead ball mastery to his game. I think he is a complete player now, I think he is the one player that every team in the world would want in their line-up.
While noting Ronaldo's hard work, it has to be said that Ferguson has developed him incredibly. Real Madrid fancy themselves the world's best club, but what young players ever really develop while there? Look at Robinho? All they do is take the best from other clubs using wads of cash. Ronaldo was far from finished when he joined Man U, now he is the best in the world and he did it in the most physical of leagues
Jason Kennedy, La Antigua, guatemala
well written article, with the exception of the point
"Ronaldo is probably already a better player than Beckham" Come on lets face the facts Ronaldo is already a much stronger player then Beckham in his prime.
sidonio, baggotsford,
Excellent piece that.No doubt that Ronaldo is the best in the world at this moment and like Becks he puts bums on seats.As a simple Northern lad I just wish his vanity could be toned down a bit but maybe I am missing the point.Maybe when he is voted the best in the world he will have reached a kind of maturity that will settle him down.
Ian Higton, Hua Hin, Thailand
Its okay, like everyone else outside of Portugal and few other places where football is meant to be enjoyed....your words are swallowed like a professional trick .
Joelzinho Borges, Montreal, Canada
Brilliant article about two players who are remarkably similar when you think about it. Ronaldo will be the worlds best for years to come there can be no doubt.
Lee, Brighton, England