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From The Times

May 2, 2008

Penalty a victory for Frank Lampard - and for life

Simon Barnes

Grief is a form of madness. It is one of the two forms of madness that very few of us avoid in the course of a lifetime; the other is the state of being in love. Both of these are transitional phases: through being in love, we pass, if we are lucky, to the sustained, richer, saner and enduring state of merely loving. Through grief, we reach an enduring sadness that enriches our lives.

Grief affects different people in different ways. The madness was on Frank Lampard on Wednesday night when he played for Chelsea against Liverpool in the semi-finals of the Champions League. His mother died last week aged 58. He ended up taking the penalty that decided the game: a glorious blow for the forces of life and optimism and against the inevitability of death.

It is not especially remarkable that Lampard wanted to play. When the madness of grief is on us, many of us feel actively impelled to seek a kind of normality, a reassurance that life carries on, a forced reminder that the terrible fact of death does not put an end to absolutely everything we have ever known. The best way to do this is to go to work.

In times of death, we seek the distractions of life. Kicking about the house feeling like hell is a bad idea for most of us. One of the reasons that we have evolved the funeral is that it gives the bereaved such an awful lot to do. You can't sit about moping when there's 200 sausage rolls to buy and the hymns to choose. For many people, it's only after the funeral that the grief really kicks in.

Most of us feel a need to go back to work as soon as possible; to be up and doing. Naturally, we dread the clumsy condolences, and we have to accept that we will be ever-so-slightly shunned. With the best will in the world, your colleagues will treat you as if you have a mild but unmentionable disease. You are a person who has been touched by death; the living have a natural aversion to this.

But Lampard went to work, all right. Back to training as soon as possible, back to the dressing-room and the sweat and the naked men, and no doubt, after the wringing handshakes had been exchanged, the normal banter made a tentative beginning again.

So you're back home and life is continuing and then comes the blessed relief of action. Once the body is working hard and well, thought becomes impossible: a sweet relief. Me, after a recent family loss, I found deep solace in mucking out the horses. But it is one thing to go to work, quite another to go to work in front of 40,000 people and before the eyes of millions more, all of whom know at least something about what you're going through. This imparts a certain self-consciousness, a certain feeling that you are the subject of the morbid curiosity of half the world.

Playing would not have been a problem. Thinking clearly in the heat of the action would not have been a problem, because in high-tempo sport, conscious thought is mostly abandoned. But playing before a vast audience: that's where the courage comes in. It was in the willingness to make himself vulnerable in the eyes of the world that Lampard showed his emotional strength. Football is an emotional game: in the turbulence of a high-stakes football match, it is not physically possible to keep emotions under strict control.

Going back to work was not Lampard's greatest achievement. We can all go back to work, it is the best specific against prostration by grief. I wrote a column on the day that my mother died, but claim no special credit for this, not unless it was a good column. It probably wasn't, just as good as I could make it.

So let us not give all that much credit to Lampard merely for playing. Rather, let us give him a great deal of credit for playing well. It's something to do with the team thing, that terrible fear of letting people down. It is this, rather than the seeking of glory, that prompts so many of the most extraordinary performances in team sport. It wasn't that Lampard wanted to be there for himself; more importantly, he knew that he would not be able to live with the fact of a defeat in his absence.

On, then, to the moment of truth. The penalty. It was not enough to be a part of this great match: Lampard had to take the decisive role as well. Perhaps it was some strange anger at life that caused him to take the ball from Michael Ballack - who had scored a majestic penalty against Manchester United a few days earlier - and take the penalty himself.

So far so courageous, but in sport, the truth is in the action. It was not the taking it that was brave, it was the fact that the penalty was a good one: the goalkeeper comprehensively beaten, the shot controlled and accurate, the technique holding up despite the pressures imposed by the circumstances of the match and of his own life.

Then the tears, the heaven-bound kisses, the messages to the still living dad, all the stuff that we were privileged to pry on and spy on. But pictures of a man in tears don't make the point: most of us cry when we are bereaved. That's our job. It is not Lampard's tears that we must salute, nor is it the fact that Lampard chose to play: most of us would at least want to play. It was again the fact that Lampard played well, took the big decision and carried off the penalty. Now that, truly, was remarkable.

At times of bereavement, we see life with a special clarity. We see where our priorities have been warped, see how we should adjust our lives, see how we could deal better with the loved ones that remain to us. But grief also fills us with a horrible mix of things beyond our control: a merciless guilt, an unreasoning anger, a temptation to give up on life, a thirsting for revenge (but against whom?) and, above all, a wrestling with the extraordinary, the utterly unacceptable fact that one day a person you loved was there and the next day she wasn't. Even after a long illness and every chance of preparation, this last truth comes as the most devastating shock.

You long for a chance to set the wrongs of the world to right, at least in some symbolic form. You long for a victory, not over Liverpool, but over death. And that's how that penalty felt: as a tearful, sad, joyous expression of the ultimate truth, simultaneously profound and banal, that life is there to be lived, that it can bear any amount of sadness, and that, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, in the eyes of a man in the grip of grief, it goes on.

I lost my Dad on 26th April, and I found your piece a comfort. I think its a timeless piece of writing, and has a ring of truth brought by your own personal experiences. It trancends the sporting occasion that prompted it.
Thank you

Ronan, Liverpool,

I'm sure everyone feels a bit sorry for frank. but we can do without the armband kissing and the rest of the theatrics. not sure it's life under the glare of publicity, but rather membership of the chelsea "players"; I half expect kissed armbands every time drogba goes down as if shot.

jem, london, uk

Simon Barnes is a national treasure - but I can't help wondering though what would have been the comments had the penalty not gone in.....?

Terry Nicholls, Perth, Australia

absolutely brilliant! Mr. Barnes, with this piece you have undoubtedly outdone even your great standards of writing! Despite being a hardcore Gunners' fan, even I could not but not salute Lampard after that goal. A truly remarkable show of courage....

Arjun Sen, New Delhi, India

Just a small coda to a thoughtful, positive and moving piece. I understand that the players at Chelsea not only shook Frank L's hand individually: a round of applause broke out when he was on the team sheet and the manner of the celebration after the penalty was very appropriate: personal yet public

Hugh Betterton, London, UK

That really is beautifully written, Simon, and I say that as one ho has been a fan of your writings for years. The manner in which you seek genuine human truths in the medium of sport is very special, and I have ordered your book today (The Meaning of Soprt) to indulge some more in this brilliance.

Chris Trotter, bedford, UK

A well written article with good diction.It is also emotional as well as explores Freudal motivational beheaviourism. I hope it brings solace to all who is bereaved in one way or the order and more especially to Frank Lampard.

Godwin Enem.G., Lagos, Nigeria

The high quality of the article is no surprise to those of us who have been following him for years. I also found it profoundly moving putting into words feelings that one has but is unable to properly express in such well crafted and intelligent prose. A triumph of the human spirit over adversity.

Mike, hong kong, Hong Kong

Well said. I too support MANU, but could never understand why Frank Lampard has to take all the knocks. And now he has had to endure one of the hardest knocks of all. If I could ask that one thing could come out of this tragedy it is that people see what a great talent and character Frank

Steve, Manchester, UK

It was a privilage to read such a beautifully written article.
I hope Frank Lampard reads and keeps it for his scrapbook,it must surely give him comfort.
Well done to him and to you.

Judith McGlead, Alexandria, U.S.A

this is a beautifully moving reflection on what was itself a moment that reflected the human spirit with great clarity. those who question frank's actions and public display of emotion: remember where he was in the days after his mother's death. not in your gaze, but absent from chelsea

martin humphrey, london,

The boo boys, those who doubted his commitment and desire and ability to perform under pressure, have been silenced.

Let us all hope that the idiots who insist upon booing Frank Lampard (the reason for this still escapes me) take note of the quiet dignity he has displayed.

Top Man

Thomas Selby, Kendal, England

I find it funny that I'm sat here in agreement with the thought and sentiment, but I'm equally repulsed by it. Maybe there was a time when "stiff upper lip" would have stalled such an outpouring of emotion and sentiment. I think that sometimes reserve is more elegant, beautiful and noble.

Mat, Brighton,

The best column I have read this year - and possibly the best ever. Lamps is a true legend at Chelsea FC and a hero for everyone.

A Syed, London, England

I feel Disso's slight criticism of Lampard's public displays of emotion should be answered. Every aspect of this man's life is subject to public scrutiny, his working life is public performance. The rest of us escape this. It makes perfect sense for him to express his grief publicly in such a way.

Chris, Worthing, England

Maybe I'm just a cynic, or maybe it's because I've recently lost a close friend in tragic circumstances, but am I the only person to find this column just a little bit hypocritical? It is the media that have made Lampard - how willingly I'm not sure - "vulnerable in the eyes of the world".

Tom, London,

wonderfully accurate and articulate, your prose is succinct and the best sports column I have ever read. I am tearing up. This is so beautiful. Thank you

V.P, London,

oh for crying out loud. it was undignified and predictable. disso has it spot on.

damian , london,

We will never fully understand the measure of Frank Lampard, it is only in the depths of his despair that we saw a glimpse of grief, strength and humility. Even the boo-boys who advocated their right to taunt him season long were forced to shut their mouths and pay tribute to a remarkable character.

Stephen Manick, Port of Spain, Trinidad

Your article perfectly summed up the way I have felt when going through my patch of grief as we all have to do one time. Given my own experience of wanting to work the next day I still found it impossible to comprehend the courage shown by Lampard in taking the penalty and was in tears afterwards.

Monika, Slovakia,

I am sorry to say, we feel for the loss of Frank Lampard but should we not pitty the thousnds of others who also lost their mothers around the world who also lost a loved one, the diffenenc being they cannot afford the luxury of a decent furneral which a GBP 100,000/week salary can provide for.

Juan, Greenford, UK

What an amazing column today. Made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Brilliant

Duncan, Beds, UK

Well I never thought I would blub while reading a newspaper column, let alone a sports column and even less so a piece extolling the virtues of one of the 'overpaid prima donnas' us non-league fans tend to hold in such disdain. But this went way beyond sport.
Thank you Mr Barnes

Connor Kinsella, Weymouth, United Kingdom

Simon,
As others have already noted, you have summed up the emotions of bereavement so succinctly whilst also managing to convey the message of triumph over adversity, here achieved in a spectacular football match.
The best sports column I have ever had the privalege to read.
Thank you.

Debbie Dawson, Porhcawl, Mid Glamorgan

this is the best sport column i have ever read since i relocated to the UK..keep the good work Barnes....

larry, london, UK

I might add that I absolutely love this column.

Chris, Worthing, England

This is the most moving description of grief. It could be a set text for nurses doctors and palliative care services. To find such an article on the sports pages is wonderful.
Thank you.

Jonathan Smith, Penrith, UK

Mr Barnes

Having lost my father, mother and brother by the age of 30, I have experienced more than my fair share of grief and have felt exactly those feelings that you so eruditely put into words. I was at the match and tears came into my eyes after he scored and looked heavenwards.

Nathaniel Wilde, London, Great Britain

It was really touching to see lampard crying after scoring the penalty.He really deserved the goal he scored.It would have provided him a means of coming out of the tragedy he is going through.Its really hard to do it but he did it .He is my real hero and a legend.Hats off for this real hero.

johnson, imphal, india

Simon, you have an amazing ability to put into words ideas that form in my head but are never fully explored, as I am not articulate enough to express them in the right way. You however, are. The way you can superinmpose sport into the wider picture is brilliant and this article is just superb.

Paul, London,

I am so proud of Frank Lampard! Playing for Chelsea when he should be grieving, he is an inspiration to us all and the premier league !

Well Done !!!
No.1 Frank Lampard Fan

David Fowkes, Derby, UK

Thank you for writing something so touching and so true about Frank Lampard. It was compulsive viewing at the time and my heart, as I assume many ohters, immediately went out to him in his grief.

Myra Hill, Hornchurch, Essex

I got tears in my eyes sitting here in the office, the others wondered what was up and we all read the column and we all
agree it is one of the best sports columns ever written,
Camilla

Camilla Luise, London, England

"Then the tears, the heaven-bound kisses, the messages to the still living dad, all the stuff that we were privileged to pry on and spy on".

A digression from the tone of other comments here. Lampard played excellently, a fitting tribute to his mother and family, and we (a group of Liverpool fans) applauded him both after his penalty and the game. I do though wonder why footballers need to share their every thought with the outside world. Kissing the armband, pointing to the heavens - the photos that unsurisingly ended up in every paper. Making a public show of your emotions doesn't increase their worth or intensity. I didn't feel privileged to see that, I thought it was predictable. Would all those writing here, most of whom must have suffered loss, have done the same or said a few silent words to their loved one?

disso, london,

I recently lost my mother as well. It was a harsh experience that I would not wish on anyone, though I know all of us must.

Even though I am a Manchester United fan, I was pleased for Lampard that he scored the penalty.

Thank you for such a moving article, Mr. Barnes.

Karl.
St. Albans.

Karl Hautamaki, St. Albans, United Kingdom

Often, so often, we are blinded by 'the spectacle', it was a moment in ones lifetime, a privilege, to see a game stripped to the core from the action of one man, and in an instance see the frailty, candor and glory of life.
Simon Barnes, thank you for writing.

Martin J Tickner, London, UK

" Through grief, we reach an enduring sadness that enriches our lives"
I didn't expect to read something as moving as that in a sports column. Amazing. I really hope, Mr. Barnes, that you read the praise in these comments because that was maybe the best sports column I've ever read.

Lenny Boyle, Glasgow, UK

A wonderfully articulate & moving piece, well done Mr Barnes.

When Lampard stepped up to take the penalty I thought he would be unconsolable if he missed - possibly career shattering for the lad.

This article summed up so simply & beautifully why he was never going to miss. Again well done.

Jeremy, Farnham,

This is my 3rd comment here and I promise it will be my last. This isn't just the best sports column written this year, it's the best column written this year. A remarkable piece of work that should get far more coverage than the back pages of a daily paper.

I always knew you were good, Barnes.

mark, castle donington,

Invariably, such an emotional topic scared off many commentators, who simply doused Lampard in platitudes and good wishes, extolling his 'bravery' and 'strength' but saying little else.

Not this. This is blindingly good.

And you're right about the penalty. How on earth did he take it?

Tom, Hong Kong, Hong Kong

I was profoundly moved by this article and have printed off a copy for my wife who also lost her mother in her 60th year.

No-one can account for the emotions going on in Frank Lampard's head but all we know is that he displayed extraordinary courage in taking that penalty.

Henry Angus, Elgin, Moray

Barnes,

I sent this to a friend in Argentina who lost her mother on April 11th. She has excellent English, but she doesn't care a jot about football.

She wrote back:

"I have just read the article. It really is very good, I agree with what he says; he is very wise. Thank you for sending it to me."

mark, castle donington,

Most excellent, Barnes.

mark, castle donington,

Simon,

Your have indeed surpassed your own lofty self with this!

Very well done! It would not have failed to touch single every human being that read it.

Rohan Wijeyaratna, Shanghai, China

Mr Barnes,

You ought to have been a psychiatrist! Your article is succinct, accurate, and moving. I may well use it to explain the machinations of bereavement to the recently deprived.
Thank you.

Donald Rau, Cirencester, UK

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Simon Barnes

Simon Barnes is the multi-award-winning chief sportswriter at The Times. He also writes a Saturday column on wildlife. His 15 books include three novels and the best-selling How To Be A Bad Birdwatcher. His latest, The Meaning of Sport, was published last autumn. He lives in Suffolk with his family and five horses