It is the Ashes, of course, but if truth be told England could be playing Australia at pro-celebrity Su Doku and it would still matter. They live outdoors, have teak-tough bodies and believe sport is all. We, by contrast, live on the sofa, have acne and read poetry. Inevitably, this puts us at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to a five-Test series. But it takes more than attitude and a six-pack to maketh a man, so here Rick Broadbent presents the case to decide who really is better — us or them?

Landmark: Tower of London v Ayers Rock
Much like Shane Warne, one of these is a large, unfathomable mass that turns a strange colour in the sun. It is without doubt the leading sandstone monolith to have spawned a progressive jazz band (an oxymoron surely) of the same name. Much like the England cricket team, the Tower of London has seen better days, possesses the odd crown jewel and is generally characterised by people losing their heads.
Winner: Tie

Spinner: House of Commons v Shane Warne
It is widely accepted that Warne is the greatest spin bowler of all time and, indeed, possibly the best cricketer, which is good news for those of us who prefer our sportsmen to have an apathetic approach to exercise. Replacing him will be hard, but the House of Commons is founded on the ability to get Damien Hirst to re-upholster your chaise longue in finest ermine then pass it off as a necessary expense. Now that is true spin.
Winner: England

Outdoor pursuit: Allotments v Surfing
Because Australia is so hot and full of snakes, its people tend to spend a lot of time in the sea. The average Aussie has tousled blonde hair, a shark’s tooth necklace and a surfboard. The average Briton smokes a pipe and grows potatoes on wasteland favoured by incontinent cats.
Winner: Australia

Rogue: Andrew Flintoff v Sir Les Patterson
We used to love Flintoff when he was swaying on the balcony at Mansion House. It was when he fell off his pedalo that the tide turned (at least, that was his excuse). Flintoff forgot that you only drink when you’re winning, and thus is considered damaged goods. All that can save him is an Ashes win and locking himself in the toilet in Downing Street. Patterson has made a career out of being a comic drunk and, in his role as Minister for Sport, campaigning to keep sport rampantly blokey. Confusingly then, Patterson is also Dame Edna Everage, who explained the Aussies’ sporting prowess as being based on a “a total absence of any kind of intellectual distraction”.
Winner: Australia

Sport: Cheese Rolling v Aussie Rules
Which brings us to Aussie Rules (another oxymoron). This is the sport where happy-slapping mutants rip off heads and then show their feminine side by declining to spit down the hole. It is essentially a sport of two halves — the half-wit and half-cut — and is best played inside, as in prison. Our most quintessentially English sport is cheese rolling, where men throw themselves down a cliff in the name of Double Gloucester. It might best be summarised as the crackers in search of the crackers.
Winner: England

Arts: Shakespeare v Neighbours
Tragedy, comedy, warring families and lame jokes, Neighbours was effectively Shakespeare without rhyming couplets but with added Kylie.
Winner: Tie

Commentator: Jonathan Agnew v Richie Benaud
You really cannot top Benaud. He had the world-weary mien of a well-done iguana and was the best commentator of his generation, realising that a picture paints a thousand words and, hence, this was easy money. Aggers is at his best when baiting Geoffrey Boycott, a man who calls a spade a spade before beating co-commentators over the head with it and then digging a shallow grave for any batsman who cannot block for five weeks at Headingley. Boycott is a masterclass of self-love, while Henry Blofeld peppers his commentary with asides about the No 37 bus and the sex life of pigeons. Aggers, meanwhile, is the voice of enthusiastic sanity and sponge cake.
Winner: Australia

Musician: Acker Bilk v Rolf Harris
There is a generation of people who believe Harris’s contribution to the arts has been to succumb to a veritable Niagara of tears whenever Tiddles, the West Highland cross, gets a thorn in his paw. However, long before Animal Hospital, Rolf was one of the first practitioners of the Stylophone, he has played Glastonbury five times (next it will be David Dickinson on the Jazz World Stage) and reached his apotheosis by appearing on Desert Island Discs and choosing eight of his own records. Acker Bilk did not play the didgeridoo.
Winner: England

Criminal: House of Commons v Ned Kelly
Kelly was a notorious bushranger, apparently very different to a National Trust warden, who famously tried to save himself by putting a metal bucket on his head. The devious police shot him in the legs and arms instead. Nevertheless, Kelly never claimed a moat on expenses.
Winner: England

Ashes result: England 4 Australia 3