Kandy, before the first Test against Sri Lanka, December 2007

“I must get over the anxiety I am feeling towards myself and the game. Thinking too much about what will happen in the future. How long will I captain for? What will happen when I don’t score runs? What will I do after cricket? Do I still want all this? Am I liking the new regime? I am worried about what everybody is saying about the captaincy. I will update after the Test. My state of mind must improve. I think it can now I have written down these things.”

After the second day of the third Test in Galle, with England on the ropes

“I’m beginning to question whether I am really the right man to captain. My head is constantly aching. Thinking all the time about the bowlers. We aren’t looking threatening. Monty [Panesar] is really starting to irritate me with his lack of cricket knowledge. Boys looking lost in the field, never streetwise, always need telling things. Keep smiling, stop feeling sorry for myself.

“Desperately in need of a bowler who can take batsmen out of their comfort zone, ie, Murali, Warne, Shoaib, Tait. Someone who can unsettle the batsmen on these placid pitches. Harmy [Stephen Harmison] does it to a degree but only when the ball is moving laterally.”

England save the Test but Vaughan confides in Mark Garaway, the video analyst, and Mark Saxby, the masseur, that he is thinking of quitting the captaincy

“Got Garrers in my room along with Sax, they were the only ones I thought I could trust. I talked to them about standing down and they told me to get home and enjoy Christmas and reconsider.”

After the first Test in New Zealand, March 2008

“The team is starting to get irritated by the new management regime. Being told what to do and treated like schoolkids. Peter [Moores] loves talking and having the last word.”

England win the second Test in Wellington but anxieties remain

“An article has appeared in The Sun saying that Owais Shah is not happy and I’m not sure where that has come from. Somebody has told them I don’t like him, which is wrong in personal terms. There is a difference between not liking someone and not fancying his temperament at the highest level.

“I am finding Peter goes over things again and again rather than just getting to the point earlier and moving on. He continues to talk round in circles. The batsmen are not playing their natural instinct games and I’m starting to think it’s because of the constant analysis and picking.”

Before the final Test in Napier, March 2008

“My head is filled with negative s***. What if I snick another one? What will happen if I get another low score? No confidence in batting order. My head feels heavy and stressed. Should I go if we lose? How am I going to score runs? Blaming the environment rather than controlling what I do. Same as Sri Lanka. Must change this quickly or it is going to end. Deep down I don’t want it to. Must keep telling myself what a good player I am and keep saying, ‘Be Lucky!’ ”

A few days after standing down as England captain, August 2008

“I feel very relieved and glad it’s over. What’s next, TV, business, playing for Yorkshire? Playing for England? I was hung over from the Saturday night and hid it very well at the press conference. Cried all morning. Very emotional. Not because I wasn’t sure but because I was relieved it was ending.”

Reflecting after he is not selected for West Indies tour of winter 2009

“It was only when I had a break that I started to think about the good times. It was on the break when all the good feelings of success — the feeling of receiving that ovation at Lord’s, of winning and celebrating in the dressing room and being congratulated in the street, grabbing the headlines, waking up with a hangover the next morning — all the good dreams came back.

“Visualisation is a weird but very powerful action. I would see myself scoring runs before it happened and, vice versa, seeing myself fail at the worst times. In 2008 I saw a lot of the failures in my dreams. The skill is to release the good dreams.”