STILL, it’s not all gloom. Where would the first day of the new year be without a look at what’s ahead?

JANUARY: After the 4th, you will no longer ponder the derivation of the phrase “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle” when an FA Cup third-round draw against Yeovil Town brings your nephew Nigel into town. A trip to the local archery trials in your new Christmas jumper amuses everybody, most particularly the coroner.

FEBRUARY: A visit to Wales on the 22nd causes you to doubt the existence of God when Max Boyce is again chosen as pre-match entertainment for a rugby international. An inadvertent wrong turn on to the ski-jump ramp at Tauplitz-Bad Mitterndorf forever wins you a place in the hearts of the cast of They Think It’s All Over.

MARCH: Julius Caesar was told to “beware the ides of March”. However, it is more the group of drunken Leeds United fans you encounter at Crewe station at midnight that cause concern. Your triathlon career begins badly when you are harpooned by Japanese fishermen, although they are later very polite about it.

APRIL: The elements fire and water combine mysteriously for you on the 5th, when your tip for the Grand National falls heavily at Becher’s Brook and explodes. Later you will meet Michael Schumacher and receive international fame and notoriety when he reverses over your foot.

MAY: Your foray into the demanding world of kick boxing can best be summed up by the simple phrase: I’ve never seen so much blood. Despite exhaustive research, you remain unable to answer the burning question surrounding curling: why don’t they just clean the ice before they start?

JUNE: You have always seen yourself as a leader of men. Unfortunately, your sit-down protest at plans to relocate your team to Anthrax Island as a tax loss coincides with the new owners’ scheme to redevelop the old stadium as a skateboard arena. Unlucky stone: Blue Circle.

JULY: Remember, there is more to Tim Henman’s forehand than meets the eye, as you discover when you call him a big Jessie in the All England Club car park after another semi-final defeat. Having long given up on snooker, you at last get two balls together when you step on a rake.

AUGUST: Sadly, you discover the literal truth behind the expression “If my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle”, although this does explain her exceptionally fast time at the 800 metres in Paris. While you are known for your brilliant ideas, taking your pet porcupine, Spiky, to the European Hot Air Ballooning Championships in Lithuania is not among them.

SEPTEMBER: They say never put off to tomorrow what you can do today, although your idea to set up Mike Tyson on a blind date with your sister could perhaps wait a while.

OCTOBER: You had never believed the phrase “lucky in cards, unlucky in love” until that night when you were the victim of a drive-by shooting from a jealous ex-girlfriend shortly after being dealt a full house. Due to a clerical error, your world famous collection of racing pigeons is taken out and slaughtered on the orders of UN weapons inspectors.

NOVEMBER: No matter how much your friend would have enjoyed it, in modern society it is not considered appropriate to start a Mexican wave at a funeral. But look on the bright side — if you had done a better job designing that braking system, the world drivers’ championship wouldn’t be wide open again.

DECEMBER: You have heard the expression “his bark is worse than his bite”. However, you discover painfully that this does not apply to the winner of the 1997 Greyhound Derby. You cannot escape the feeling that you would still be world angling champion if it were not for outdated laws governing endangered species and all those worrywarts from Greenpeace.

Happy new year.