1 That bloody song

Is there a more depressing sound in sport than 50,000 glory hunters called Tarquin singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot? It’s an American gospel hymn, chaps – leave it alone.

2 Global appeal

When we have a World Cup, the world stops. When you have one, sheep in New Zealand get a couple of nights off and the queue to get into Boujis is a bit shorter.

3 History

It took Tarquin and his friends until 1987 to work out that having a World Cup would be a jolly good idea. Bravo, boys. Just one problem: we’ve been having them since 1930.

4 Brazil

Pelé, Ronaldo, Zico, Rivaldo, Romário, Socrates, Rivelino, Falcão, Bebeto, Kaká, Carlos Alberto, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldinho . . . Can you name a famous All Black? No, thought not.

5 4-4-2

We’ve got forwards, midfield players, defenders and a big bloke in goal. You’ve got hookers, blind-side flankers, second five-eights, centre threequarters, scrummies and pivots. Why?

6 Gloryhunters

We call glory hunters Manchester United supporters; in rugger, they’re called rugby fans. Just for the record – Bath v Harlequins on Saturday. Attendance? A pathetic 10,142.

7 Goalkeepers

David Beckham has to beat ten men and a goalkeeper before we’re impressed. What does Jonny have to do? Stay fit, turn up and make sure he’s kicking in the right direction.

8 Class War

Journalist Polly Toynbee on rugger: “A bomb under the West car park at Twickenham would set back fascism in England for a generation.” There’s only one Polly Toynbee.

9 The skill factor

Do you remember that fat kid at school who always used to get picked last? The one who couldn’t run, tackle or pass? He’s playing for England in the World Cup final on Saturday.

10 The haka

Apparently the All Blacks have got some time on their hands next weekend. Why don’t they come down to Millwall and see what the locals make of their famous war dance?

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