All you need to know about Fabio Capello

Dear Fabio

Prepare for war
You are going into a war zone. You have no idea how your life is about to change. You and Gordon Brown have the most difficult jobs in the country. The spotlight is going to be intense and unbearable. Everything you have ever done in your life is going to be in the newspapers. Unless you win every game convincingly you will become the biggest villain in the country. You can’t win. The chances of the British public not finding out about your indiscretions are very small. Talk to your family and make sure you realise what you are getting yourself into. Do you still want the job? Are you sure?

Call Sven
One man who knows all about what is going to happen to you is Sven-Göran Eriksson. Take him out to lunch and he will tell you what to look out for. You need to know how the British media works. He will tell you all about how the FA turned his problems into disasters. On second thoughts, talk to him on the phone. You would not want pictures of you having lunch with Sven appearing in the papers.

Don’t learn English
Becoming fluent in English will only get you into trouble at press conferences. Stick to Italian and Spanish. The air of mystery will make you look clever. Buy a Teach Yourself English book in case you get off to a bad start.

Watch your back
The people at the FA have appointed you to dig them out of a hole. They needed to get a top coach into the job quickly to save themselves from getting more bad publicity. They are desperate and they have succeeded in putting you in the spotlight instead. Accept that you have become a pawn in a game that will be played for very high stakes. The FA’s PR team will not always be able to dig you out of a hole. Ask them about Faria Alam, Ulrika Jonsson or Mark Palios if you want to know more. The FA will hang you out to dry when it suits.

Wine and dine
Build relationships with the people that matter in the media as quickly as possible. Will it guarantee you good headlines? No. But it gives you the best chance of surviving when your honeymoon period is over.

Keep a low profile
Don’t go to San Lorenzo, have dinner at home. Go to art galleries if you want to but do not go to one the day after England have lost. You can lead a quiet life in London if you want to.

Give something back
I told Steve McClaren to put a smile back on the face of English football by helping out good causes. Everything in football is about money, but if you are seen to be putting something back into the community you may be given the benefit of the doubt when the going gets tough.

Don’t read the papers
English journalists are swarming all over your private life. Newspapers will be building up a library of stories about you, good, bad and indifferent. When it comes to the bad stuff, there is no holding back. If England were playing in Euro 2008, editors may have sat on the stories because they would not want to rock the boat, but thanks to McClaren you are about to get the shock of your life. It is open season right from the start.

Be yourself
Do not try to be something that you are not. Do not let the FA tell you what to do. Your reputation means that you can call the shots. Do it your way and when they try to destroy you, at least you will have been true to yourself.

Prepare to fail
You are on a hiding to nothing. England are useless because English players are not good enough to compete at the highest level of the game.

Ciao, Max

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