1 Look busy

And not just in case the boss sees you. That first day is always tricky - there’s only so many papers you can shuffle before you move on to the personal e-mail. And for you, paid the equivalent of the GDP of a small African country, it’s even more difficult because you haven’t really got anything to do until the World Cup qualification matches in September, have you? One of those executive toys with the clacking steel balls might make you look quite enigmatic.

2 Tell them you’re taking Tuesday off

Explain you’re going to see Chelsea v Everton in English football’s most prestigious tournament, the Carling Cup. That will flatter the FA and show dedication on your part. If they get used to you not being around, they won’t be forcing you to go to meetings. Or do any work. That’s how it seemed to play out for your predecessor’s predecessor.

3 Book a holiday In Switzerland

But make sure it’s before that silly friendly on February 6. Then you can say it’s for vital research. That way, you can be sure that the FA will pay for it (you’ll have to keep your mobile turned on while you’re on the slopes, however).

4 Your PA

She’s a handsome woman, isn’t she? Nearly as handsome as Faria, no doubt, and at least with Brian “The Fat Controller” Barwick around, you won’t have to compete for her affections with your boss, unlike someone else we could mention. If her surname ends in a vowel, do not ask if she has a little Italian in her. On no account ask her if she would like one anyway.

5 Be careful in London’s glittering Soho

Looking for somewhere to eat at lunchtime? Don’t. Just buy a sandwich and munch away at your desk. Those shops where a lady of uncertain age and provenance sits outside telling you you’re a good-looking fella aren’t really shops at all. Don’t go in them. Ever. No good will come of it. Trust me on this one and don’t let John Terry convince you otherwise.

6 Brian Barwick

He’s your in-no-way bumbling boss, who would have preferred this to be Jose Mourinho’s first day. Start as you mean to go on by flattering him, and at all times agree that he had nothing to do with appointing Steve McClaren. Don’t mention the Felipe Scolari fiasco either.

7 Do some interviews

Invite all the press round. Talk to them through an interpreter and smile at everything he says. Give them some biscuits. We’re easily pleased, and we’ll love you, especially if said biscuits are chocolate covered or if they’re a Jammie Dodger.

8 Buy the first round in the pub on Friday night

Yes, we know you don’t really have the same convention where you come from, but you’ll find that this simple act will buy you the undying adoration of your colleagues. But don’t be the last to leave at the end of the night. That doesn’t look quite so good.

9 Don’t mention your support for General Franco

Save that until Wednesday, when you’re stuck for conversation and you want to reveal your inner self over the photocopier. If you have any thoughts on the disabled and their sins in a previous life, though, keep them to yourself.

10 Indulge Garth Crooks

The request for a BBC interview will soon arrive and Garth will no doubt pitch up. Sven picked up the knack of listening studiously to his musings, while wondering how anyone could ask such simple questions in such a self-important fashion. Learn to do likewise.

11 Call the United physio

You can bet he’ll be calling you ahead of every England game with the Fergie-written injury list. So the two of you might as well establish now which players he’s going to let you have and when.

12 Erase David Beckham’s name from your contacts book

Sven had his number on speed dial (along with Ulrika’s) but you’re really not going to need it, are you? Wipe it before you change your mind, like Steve.

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