NEWCASTLE UNITED HAVE offered Lee Bowyer an incentive-filled new contract to stay at St James’ Park. The midfield player is mulling over a deal in which he would receive no basic pay but could earn as much as £5 million a year if certain targets are met.

Bowyer will receive £100,000 for every goal he scores and a further £200,000 if he is banned for fewer than ten league matches during a season. He will earn £500,000 should he help Newcastle to win a trophy and trigger payments of £100,000 for every ten matches he plays without stamping on the head of an opponent.

He would also be given £25,000 for each game he did not hit a colleague during a match, a stipulation that he is unhappy about. “Newcastle would not be getting the best out of me. If you take away my punching of team-mates then you lose half of my game,” Bowyer said, before criticising the “inhibiting” incentive that he would collect £500,000 if he is not convicted of any violent crimes for the duration of his contract.

Newcastle face competition from Blackburn Rovers, who defended their interest in signing the controversial player. A Rovers spokesman said that they would include a clause similar to the one that saw Robbie Savage left out of Saturday’s match against Birmingham City, his former team, to prevent the player’s presence provoking trouble.

The spokesman said: “If we signed Lee there would be a gentleman’s agreement whereby he would not be allowed to play against Newcastle, or, indeed, Leeds United, West Ham United and Charlton Athletic, his other former clubs, or, in fact, any other team, just as a precaution. We would also seek a gentleman’s agreement with him that prevents him communicating with any other person or leaving his house unless accompanied by at least six members of the SAS.

Suggestions that Everton may miss out on a place in the Champions League next season despite finishing fourth in the Barclays Premiership have provoked outrage among traditionalists. One complained: “Entry should be based on league position. The Champions League should be exactly what it says, and that means inviting teams if they finish, er, fourth. It’s a real kick in the teeth for Everton when they have worked so hard all season to get 30 points fewer than Chelsea.”

MATCH OF THE DAY

Steve Clarke and Craing Cash

The Chelsea assistant manager has suddenly become part of English football’s royal family. A long-serving defender when the team were mediocre, he is now part of the world’s richest club and has played a leading role in their title success. This season he has been a familiar figure slumped on the bench at Stamford Bridge, sitting near an opinionated man whose manners have been questioned, while the television (Chelsea TV, naturally) drones on endlessly in the background. He often stands in for the manager at press conferences and while it is true that what he says is usually quite dull, the overall tone of output from what is essentially a working-class club is highly amusing.

DELIA'S DISH (...what they're eating in Norwich)

Nothing
Having spent Saturday afternoon on a rollercoaster and with the prospect of the same over the final two matches, the locals decline any food on the basis that they would be unable to keep it down during the ride.

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