August

Health fears as Puerta dies, Spurs take covert action
Antonio Puerta, the Seville player, dies after collapsing during a match and a couple of days later, Clive Clarke, of Leicester City, suffers heart failure in a Carling Cup tie. He survives, but questions are asked about the demands placed by the modern game on players’ bodies.

Representatives of Tottenham have an innocent chat in a Seville hotel with Juande Ramos. The fact that Ramos is one of the most admired coaches in Europe, while Tottenham’s season has begun badly, leads a few people to jump to conclusions about the future of Martin Jol that are, the club say, wholly unwarranted.

September

Mourinho out, someone called Grant in at Chelsea
Our fun with the Special One is done as the relationship between billionaire owner and owner of a big ego goes from uneasy to untenable. Replacing the irreplaceable, Roman Abramovich’s friend, the little-known Avram Grant. He will be gone by Christmas, we said. Still here. England beat Israel and Russia, both 3-0. That Steve McClaren’s all right, really.

October

England lose in Russia, rugby union becomes more fashionable than football for a bit
That Steve McClaren, he’s an idiot. Needing only a draw, England blow a lead and lose after an abysmal second-half performance in Moscow. Turfed out of Euro 2008 on Astroturf? Still, there is always the rugby union World Cup, where an England team prove that it is possible to be bad and do well. Jol is finally put out of his misery after a 2-1 defeat by Getafe, during which everyone at White Hart Lane knows he is out except him. Classy.

November

McClaren and England out, English coaching questioned, Redknapp arrested
Israel, we love you. Your victory over Russia has saved our Euro dreams. Start mocking up those pictures of the England squad as the Von Trapp family because we’re going to Austria and Switzerland. Then comes the Croatia game, and Scott Carson, and . . . goodbye, McClaren. This failure leads to a national debate on the future of English football.

Harry Redknapp is arrested as part of the City of London police inquiry into alleged corruption.

December

Two-footed tackles cause outrage, Fabio Capello’s appointment provokes debate
After José Mourinho pulls out of the running, the FA’s conclusion is that the future of English football is Italian. Fabio Capello seems everything that McClaren was not: urbane, successful, ruthless, unlikely to refer to Wayne Rooney as “Wazza”.

There is a spate of red cards as two-footed tackles are suddenly in fashion. Even Peter Crouch is at it, sent off for a kung-fu lunge on John Obi Mikel. We preferred his robot dancing.

January

Keegan back in Toon, Liverpool ownership crisis deepens
Newcastle United sack Sam Allardyce: no surprise there. Newcastle appoint some bloke who is running that Soccer Circus thing in Glasgow: huge shock. Cue mass Geordie hysteria and a nine-match winless streak.

When it is revealed that Tom Hicks has wooed Jürgen Klinsmann to be Liverpool’s next manager (even though they still have one), the long-running boardroom problems run even deeper. Protesting fans start to pray for new foreign billionaires to rescue them from their foreign billionaires.

February

Game 39 is born and killed off, Eduardo’s season ends, Capello’s first match
Richard Scudamore, chief executive of the Premier League, has a dream: clubs playing an extra match abroad, taking Wigan Athletic and Middlesbrough to the good folk of Kuala Lumpur and Beijing. Who wouldn’t want that? Just about everyone. Even Sepp Blatter, the Fifa president, nukes the idea, which weirdly finds an ally in Roy Keane, a man who normally would not touch a prawn sandwich.

The English game’s love of getting stuck in is questioned again when Eduardo Da Silva’s leg is broken horribly in a tackle by Martin Taylor as Arsenal play Birmingham City.

Capello’s first England match is a 2-1 win over Switzerland, minus David Beckham, while Tottenham beat Chelsea to win the Carling Cup final. That Avram Grant, he won’t last.

March

Respect for referees is due, so is Beckham’s 100th cap
The Hollywood star is brought back into the England squad and wins his 100th cap in a 1-0 yawnfest of a defeat by France in Paris. That Capello, hmm. Not sure about him.

Fretting about dissent, the FA launches a strategy called Respect to improve behaviour. Ashley Cole and Javier Mascherano have obviously not read it. Hard to believe, but Derby County are relegated.

April

Cardiff reach FA Cup Final, Arsenal fade away
It is the year of the underdogs in the FA Cup, Cardiff City and Portsmouth woofing their way to Wembley. Defeats by Liverpool in the Champions League and Manchester United in the league end Arsenal’s season in the space of five days. Remarkably, Chelsea and Liverpool meet in Europe and everyone stays awake. Hapless Bolton Wanderers and Fulham stop being hapless. And so to:

May

The all-English Champions League final (in Moscow)

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