So, The Times ask me to pick my fantasy football team for the new season. “We’re really pushing it,” they tell me. “You can pick yourself if you want, it’ll be funny.”

So, even though I’m in South Korea on Fulham’s preseason tour, I battle the posttraining fatigue – not to mention the stifling heat and dodgy stomach I’ve picked up – and do my bit for the cause. So I’m looking through all the names and naturally I’m curious to see what I’ve been valued at. Obviously, as my surname begins with a “V” I’m expecting to have to do a fair bit of scrolling before I pop up, but for some reason I can’t seem to find my name.

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“Maybe the heat’s affecting my brain and I’m doing something wrong,” I think to myself. So I click on the “defenders” button. A hundred or so names appear, but no sign of a Volz. “Strange,” I think. “But maybe my recent utility status has meant I’m down as a midfielder.” So, I bring up all the midfielders, but again not a Volz in sight. There is clearly no point in looking under strikers, given my entire career scoring record is probably less than Fernando Torres can muster in a week, so what next? “I know, team search.”

With Fulham clicked and my eyes focused on the screen, the names start to appear. Bullard, Davies, Dempsey. “It’s cool,” I tell myself. “It must be alphabetical.” I check the list again. And again. And again, just to make sure that the dehydration isn’t playing tricks with my mind. But, no, not a Volz in sight.

“Pick yourself – it’ll be funny,” they said. Hilarious. So, obviously, in the absence of a decent right back, my team will be exposed down the right flank. But as any manager will say, you can only pick from what is available, so here goes.

In goal I’m going for Artur Boruc from Celtic. The Old Firm will, as always, dominate the league in Scotland because there simply isn’t much competition. So it makes sense to pick one of their goalkeepers because they have the best chances of picking up a load of clean sheets. Not to mention that the “Holy Goalie” is a steal – and great when it comes to crosses . . .

I am going to play a straightforward 4-4-2 formation and at the heart of my defence I’ve got Chelsea’s John Terry. It’s a bit of a predictable choice, I know, but with a whole summer’s rest he will be immense next season and is worth his pricey tag. Just as long as he doesn’t offer to take any more penalties.

Alongside JT I’ve gone for “The Beast from the East”, Nemanja Vidic. He puts the “Man” in Manchester United and will run through brick walls again this year – and hopefully bag a few goals from set-pieces.

At left back I’m having S Papac. I’ve no idea who he is or what he does, but you can’t go wrong with a Rangers defender in there to save a few bucks, so I can spend a bit extra elsewhere. Cheap as chips and his name suggests he can do a job – at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

At right back I’m going to pick Fulham’s Moritz Volz. Eh? What do you mean he’s not on the list? That’s outrageous. Well, it’ll just have to be Liverpool’s underrated Álvaro Arbeloa, then. The new boy Philipp Degen struggled in the Bundesliga last season, so I see Arbeloa playing a lot. He’s a bargain at £5 million, so I can really splash the cash in midfield.

So it’s Cristiano Ronaldo at right midfield. He had better stay where he is, though, because I don’t think goals from Spain count. And if he has another blinder this season he’ll win back the United fans and get Real Madrid to pay him even more to go there next season.

In the middle I’ve got the team’s captain fantastic and my favourite player in the Premier League, Steven Gerrard. Like JT, the G-Unit will also be fresh after a summer off and I’ve a feeling he’s going to be outstanding this season. I also hope he’ll be rested in games against Fulham.

Next to Gerrard I’m playing Lee McCulloch. Rangers can bang in goals and he’ll be on the winning team most weekends. On the left, and just to even things up, I’ve got Celtic’s Aidan McGeady. As we found out when we played Celtic last week, he’s a tricky winger and will continue to terrorise most teams.

Having blown most of my budget on midfield players, I’m having to be a bit creative up front, so I’ve gone for Manchester City’s Jô. Mark Hughes will do a great job as manager at City and Jô will be their star player.

Next to him and completing my Brazilian front line I’ve got Afonso Alves from Middlesbrough. A big risk because, as Mateja Kezman showed, scoring a million goals in Dutch football doesn’t mean you’ll do the same in the Premier League. But having settled in the North East – which is a lot like Brazil (er, not) – I’m hopeful he’ll score loads.

Pick yourself indeed . . .

Volz’s XI (4-4-2)

Artur Boruc (Celtic)
Álvaro Arbeloa (Liverpool)
Nemanja Vidic (Man United)
John Terry (Chelsea)
Sasa Papac (Rangers)
Cristiano Ronaldo (Man United)
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)
Lee McCulloch (Rangers)
Aidan McGeady (Celtic)
Jô (Manchester City)
Afonso Alves (Middlesbrough)

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