‘Football’s like a big marketplace,” said Sir Bobby Robson, “and people go to the market every day to buy their vegetables.” It isn’t quite what he meant, but who could disagree given the exercise in inanity that characterises almost every post-match interview where each player speaks in the same stock phrases.

A footballer diverts from this script at his peril, as Graeme Le Saux discovered when he was branded a homosexual for reading a broadsheet newspaper.

David Beckham once admitted he was stumped by his six-year-old son’s maths homework. This was the son of whom he said: “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.”

The low wattage of our stars really began to hit home with the influx of foreign players into the Premier League. For example, it was generally agreed that Jürgen Klinsmann spoke better English than his Tottenham team-mates.

But is the mental acuity of foreign players exaggerated? Simply being French is usually enough to win one a reputation for having a cultured mind. Thierry Henry is a bright individual, but he was not academically gifted at school, where his results were so poor the authorities had to make special provision to allow him to attend the national football academy.

Eric Cantona’s comments about seagulls and trawlers were greeted with a reverence they would not have enjoyed in his homeland where, to the native ear, his accent sounds more peasant than pensant.

As one manager put it: “In every squad there are five completely stupid players, and at least one of those would end up begging on the streets if he didn’t play professional football.” The manager in question was not Harry Redknapp or Sam Allardyce, but Hans Meyer of Hertha Berlin.

Extracted from Who Would Win a Fight Between Muhammad Ali and Bruce Lee? The Sports Fan’s Book of Answers, by Nicholas Hobbes, published by Atlantic Books at £7.99. Copies can be ordered for £7.59 with free delivery from The Sunday Times BooksFirst on 0845 271 2135

Explore Football

• Premier League

• Football League

• Scotland

• European Football

• International Football

• TheGame

• Live Match Tracker

• The Fink Tank

• Fantasy Football