After yesterday’s rebranding of Newcastle United’s stadium to sportsdirect.com@St James’ Park, The Times imagines a telephone conversation between Mike Ashley, the club’s owner, and Derek Llambias, his managing director.

Derek Llambias “Good afternoon, sportsdirect.com@St Jame . . .”

Mike Ashley “Shut it, Derek, it’s me.”

DL “. . . s’ Par . . . Mike! Geezer! How you doing?”

MA “Dodgy, Derek, dodgy. Not the best, anyway.”

DL “What’s up? Don’t tell me. Bet on black again, did you? And it came up red? What have I told you about staying out of casinos? It’s a mug’s game, Mike. And I should know. I used to run one, remember?”

MA “Yeah, yeah, I know all that. No, it’s nothing to do with that Derek. It’s these bleedin’ Geordies, innit?”

DL “Oh, for Pete Beardsley’s sake, what have they done now?”

MA “Well, they keep turning up, don’t they?”

DL “Eh?”

MA “They keep turning up.”

DL “Yeah. I suppose they do. And?”

MA “Well, how am I supposed to turn that bleedin’ stadium into a Sports Direct warehouse if it’s stuffed full of punters every other Saturday?”

DL “But wouldn’t you want a Sports Direct warehouse to be stuffed full of punters, Mike? Wouldn’t that be the point?”

MA “Don’t get clever with me, Del, me old son. You know I don’t like that.”

DL “What?”

MA “Clever. I don’t like it.”

DL “Sorry, boss.”

MA “Yeah, well. Anyway. The question is, what are we going to do about it? And what are you going to do about it? You told me that this stadium renaming thing would do the trick, but apparently there’s still going to be more than 40,000 of them for the Peterburger game on Saturday. I’m not happy, Derek.”

DL “I’ve been giving that some thought, Mike. And I think I’ve come up with something.”

MA “All right, Derek, I’m all ears.”

DL “To be fair, you’re quite a lot of stomach, too, Mike, but . . .”

MA “Derek. Just. Tell. Me. The. Plan.”

DL “Right. Well, just to recap. You bought a football club for £134 million without doing due diligence and since then have had to put in another £130 million just to keep the pla . . .”

MA “Derek!”

DL “. . . ce running . . . OK, OK. Fast forward. We talked about the long term and then booted out Big Sam. We brought in KK, then little Dennis just to make sure their hero took a battering, YouTube signings, tribunal, lying to supporters as ‘an exercise in public relations’, yadda yadda, JFK, brought in Shearer, relegation, said we’d make Al manager and then forgot about it . . . Oops, hang on a sec, Mike . . . There, I’m back.”

MA “What was that all about.”

DL “Sorry, had to put another £1 in the meter. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Sell players, yellow away strip, naked streak across the pitch, fail to sell the club twice, blah blah blah, announce that we were going to change the name of St James’ Park to an e-mail address. Which brings us up to today.”

MA “Yes, Derek. I know it does. And they’re still flipping coming to the matches, ain’t they? What was it — 43,000 for the home game against Donchester Albion?”

DL “It was Doncaster, Mike.”

MA “Yeah, well. And they’ve got protests planned now, as it happens. But why do they do it, Derek? Why do they keep coming, even after all that?”

DL “I asked someone that the other day, Mike. Something to do with love.”

MA “You what?”

DL “Love.”

MA “Nah, you’re going to have to run that by me again, Derek.”

DL “L. O. V. E. Mike. Love. Passion, history, tradition, feeling, community, region, fun, belonging. That sort of stuff.”

MA “Blimey, Derek. Don’t go all soft on me. None of that’s going to feed the kids, is it? None of that’s going to keep the taxman at bay or keep them in booze. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t get it. And even this sportsdirect.com@St James’ Park business doesn’t seem to have put them off. And you said it would, Derek.”

DL “You’ve got to be patient, Mike.”

MA “But I’m not a patient man, Derek. I like action. Speed. Moving quickly.”

DL “You haven’t seen our midfield recently, have you, Mike?”

MA “Course I have. Ricky Nutt, Alvin Smith, Kelvin Noble. Class.”

DL “Whatever you say, Mike.”

MA “So you’re asking me to be patient, Derek. Fine, I’ll be patient. But what are you going to do about it? I want this Sports Direct warehouse. And I’m a man used to getting what he wants. Get them out of my stadium.”

DL “Secret weapon, Mike. The ultimate. Red-and-white stripes.”

MA “Derek! Brill! You’re a genius, old son. Genius. Catch you later.”

DL “Thanks, Mike. Bye, Mike.”

MA “Oh, Derek. One more thing.

DL “Yes, Mike?”

MA “Wanna buy a watch?”

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