CLOSE YOUR EYES AND IMAGINE AN England supporter in Germany this summer. The figure of an overweight, tattooed, sunburnt, middle-aged man wrapped in a white and red flag with a beer in each hand may come to mind, but England fans attending a German language course in West London are working hard to consign that stereotype to the dustbin of football history.

The Goethe Institute in South Kensington is running an eight-week course for fans and to judge from the turnout at the first lesson last week, Frankfurt, Nuremberg and Cologne could be reverberating in June to the sounds of Englishmen screaming “Der Schieri braucht‘nen Blindenhund” (the ref needs a guide dog) and that timeless classic, Fünf zu eins (five-one).

The course is the brainchild of Katja Wostradowski, the head of language at the institute, and she kicks off our first lesson with a quick march through the basics. Five minutes later, and with “how are you” and “my name is Fritz” mastered, a hand goes up at the back of the class: “Miss, when are we going to learn how to insult the referee?” Thanks to Miss Wostradowski and Lynne Brackley, her fellow teacher, some 20 England fans now know that if a German referee rules out a perfectly good goal by Sol Campbell this summer, a few choruses of Schieri, wir wissen wo dein auto steht (ref, we know where your car is) may make him change his mind. And if Lionel Messi rolls around on the pitch after Gary Neville has executed a perfectly-timed grätsche (sliding tackle), a quick blast of Schieri, gib ihm die röte karte (ref, give him the red card) or Platzverweis (send him off) may ensure that justice is done.

While we practise insulting the referee, Mrs Brackley misjudges the mood of the classroom by sticking up three pictures on the board. Jürgen Klinsmann, Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn may be heroes in Germany, but in the hearts of all true England fans their names will always be synonymous with diving, cheating and being German. A picture of Michael Owen scoring in Munich lifts the gloom and after a few choruses of fünf zu einz, we are ordered to stand up and tell the class which team we support — in German.

Tim supports AFC Wimbledon, Andy supports Arsenal and Mike Richards, a 48-year-old advertising executive from Epsom, supports Bayern Munich and Germany. “The night that Manchester United beat Bayern in the European Cup final was the worst night of my life,” Richards said. “England beating Germany 5-1 in Munich ran it close, but I still haven’t got over that night in Barcelona — I still have nightmares about Teddy Sheringham and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.”

Richards is a Bayern season-ticket holder and flies with Tim, his seven-year-old son, to Munich every other weekend. “My dad used to take me to Stamford Bridge when I was a kid, but I thought Chelsea were rubbish, so when I watched Bayern beat Rangers 1-0 in the European Cup Winners’ Cup final on TV in 1967, I was hooked. Supporting Bayern and Germany has made me unpopular at work and my son has been called a Nazi in the playground, but I would love to move to Germany one day.”

Meet and greets over, Mrs Brackley produces a footballers’ kitbag and we are invited to have a stab at naming the items that she pulls out. Tricot (shirt), socken (socks) and schienbeinschoner (shinpads) were easy to master, but if the bag had belonged to an England player surely we would also have needed to learn handy (mobile phone), diamants (diamonds) and Louis Vuitton (Louis Vuitton).

Lesson one over, it is time for our teachers to congratulate us on mastering the basics and to invite us to learn the one phrase that unites all German and England fans. Repeat after me, Miss Wostradowski says slowly, Ein Bier bitte.

• For information visit www.goethe.de/london or telephone 020-7596 4004

  CUTTING COMMENTS

  PLANNING TO GO TO GERMANY IN THE summer? Then make sure you cut out and keep this exclusive Times guide to communication with the locals

  Score in a brothel, you couldn’t score in a brothel
  Im Bordell punkten, du kannst nicht mal im Bordell punkten

  You don’t know what you’re doing
  Du weißt nicht, was du tust

  Stand up if you love England
  Steht auf, wenn ihr England liebt

  Are you Scotland in disguise?
  Bist du Schottland im Verkleidung?

  Sing when you’re winning, you only sing when you’re winning
  Singt wenn ihr gewinnt, ihr singt nur, wenn ihr gewinnt

  Are you watching Scotland?
  Schaut ihr euch Schottland an?

  Always look on the bright side of life
  Sei immer optimistisch

  Football’s coming home
  Fußball kommt nach Haus

  We are going to take the Bavarians’ leather trousers off
  Wir ziehen den Bayern die Lederhosen aus

  Sick as a parrot
  Krank wie ein Papagei

  Over the moon
  Überglucklich

  Goal
  Tor

  Corner
  Eckball

  One-two
  Doppelpass

  Cross
  Flanke

  Back-heel
  Absatzkick

  Rooney curler
  Rooney flatterball

  Penalty
  Elfmeter

  Foul
  Faulspiel

  Offside
  Abseits

  Hooligan
  Hooligan

  England, World Cup winners
  England, Weltmeisters

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