IF YOU felt the earth tremble in the past 24 hours, it was because I have been forced to launch only the third great campaign in this column’s history. The first, you may recall, was instigated to get justice for an Oxfordshire mother pig, whose life was ended when an outsize chess piece, thoughtlessly left over from an abandoned game in a nearby beer garden, was violently blown into her sty by some unseasonably high winds.
This campaign ended very successfully after the Chess Society of Great Britain, while acknowledging no culpability in the affair, offered to put a tenner towards a plaque commemorating poor Victoria’s sacrifice. Once a decision has been reached about the wording of this memorial, work will commence and we may consider the matter closed.
The second lobby was rather less successful. This was a move to get a UK postage stamp dedicated to Kenneth Wolstenholme, the BBC’s 1966 World Cup commentator. At the time of the campaign, the great “they think it’s all over” mike-smith was still alive and this, incredibly, was the chief objection to the proposal of HMSO bigwigs.
They claimed that no living person other than members of the Royal Family can be present on our stamps, despite the fact that on their Tribute To Freddie Mercury issue, Roger Taylor, the Queen drummer, can clearly be seen grimacing in the background. Furthermore, the man who traditionally fires the cannon to signal the beginning of Cowes Week was present in a painting used on a set to salute classic British sporting occasions, so it does seem as though the Post Office plays rather fast and loose with the term “dead” whenever it suits them.
Anyway, I ought not let the blood start to boil over old business when I have a new mission in view and one that hardliners in the sporting media may see as a few degrees more pertinent than the previous calls to arms.
I want to drive Farnborough Town FC into the sea. Shut them up. Blow them down.
Now let me state at the outset that I have no particular grudge against Farnborough. It’s just they are the line in the sand, the last straw, thus far and no farther. We simply cannot tolerate any more of these piddling little clubs playing the old shell game with their own supporters in the FA Cup.
Farnborough, in case you have been living under a rock, are just the latest small fry to insist that, even though the draw said Farnborough Town v Arsenal, they interpret it as Arsenal v Farnborough Town. Oh I know they have wept crocodile tears and pointed at the nasty health and safety inspectors who apparently have doubts about their minuscule ground being up to scratch, thus causing the switch — but we all know that’s pure apple sauce, don’t we?
The safety factor in modern cup-ties is a load of bull and everyone knows it. It really is very easy. You have a ground that holds 3,500 people, so sell 3,500 tickets, old fruit. This astounding concept is as old as football itself, possibly older. But let us not be coy here. As they say in the States: “It’s The Money, Stupid.”
Well, the idea that you are cruelly missing a huge pay-day by having to stage the tie at the tin shack you call home is absolutely irrelevant. So you’re not drawn at Highbury — tough luck. Neither were Millwall. We were drawn away to Cambridge United. Now there’s a real money-spinner for you, Farnborough, but that’s how it works.
Teams such as Farnborough should be thanking Allah that they’re actually playing Arsenal and not Rochdale, instead of whining about the details. If teams are allowed to start mucking about with who plays whom and where, then why have the competition at all? Just let Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Newcastle start at the semi- finals and share out the TV rights money to all the other clubs.
Speaking of which, Farnborough v Arsenal is great TV. Arsenal v Farnborough is a quick highlights package. Nice accounting, fellows.
Whatever the maths, the FA Cup is not a charity. It’s a football competition. Besides, enough already with the “survival” angle. If Farnborough had gone out of the Cup away to Southport back in December, nobody could seriously believe that they would not be around next year. They are Farnborough, for God’s sake, not the white rhino.
Now let’s get back to the dubious safety aspect. What is the argument here? That, on the day, tens of thousands more will want to see the game and just show up on the off chance? Well, if that’s the logic, why let the European Cup final go ahead or the World Cup? Millions would love tickets to those events, but fewer than 70,000 will be let in. Listening, Farnborough? Just because you are small doesn’t make you more righteous. If you can’t host the FA Cup, don’t enter the FA Cup.
This revolting kneejerk compulsion to capitulate for a windfall really is choking whatever iota of romance the modern game still holds. I am positive that Farnborough fans would love to see Thierry Henry and Co charging around their patch. It would be hilarious, unbelievable, unique.
Instead, breathing a sigh of relief, the molehill is crawling to Muhammad. So today, this column begins some powerful voodoo to plot Farnborough’s decline and fall. They must pay a heavy price for this act of treachery against all of us who dwell in the Premiership shadow. I’m sorry, Farnborough, but there it is.
It could have been any number of clubs over recent years, but it happens to be you. You could have been such heroes. You could have said: “I know it’s financial suicide, but we are a football team with real football supporters. This is what we’ve battled for and cash cannot buy what is about to happen here. We will satisfy the one or two doubts about our ability to stage this fixture and then we will line up outside this proud and historic venue and wait for Arsenal’s coach. We are Farnborough Town. Bring them on!” But no.
Football shrinks and passion vanishes as your craven bookkeepers kiss the cold hand of the markets. Yes, you would have lost just as heavily at home, perhaps, but you would have surrendered with honour and taken a bullet for all the other little clubs sick to death of what the City has done to the sport. So, as the Farnborough players run to the away end after their thumping on January 25, I do hope they don’t mock their own fans by applauding them. Instead, they should apologise for the sell-out.
I urge Farnborough fans not to respond. I urge them not even to go meekly with cap in hand to Highbury. In fact, I urge them not to show up at any more home games. After all, if it’s not good enough to entertain Arsenal . . .
- Danny Baker presents morning shows on BBC London Radio 94.9FM from 8 to 11 on Saturdays and 6 to 9 Mondays to Fridays.
