The widow of Germany's national goalkeeper, Robert Enke, today choked back tears to describe how he lived a life of fear before throwing himself in front of the train that killed him. The suicide has stunned Germany and triggered a debate about the concealment of mental illlness in high-profile competitive sport.

Teresa Enke, 30, said that her husband, 32, had been fighting for years against clinical depression but had been determined to keep it secret lest it spelt the end of his career. Most of all he was afraid that the ensuing publicity would lead to the authorities cancelling their adoption of a new-born baby in May.

"When he was acutely depressive, it was difficult," she said. "Difficult above all because he didn't want anything to get out. That's the way he wanted it, because he was terrified of losing his sport."

Mrs Enke appeared at a press conference organised by her husband's old club Hannover 96. Although officials stressed that it was her decision to talk publicly less than 24 hours after the suicide, it was plain that the club wanted to demonstrate that it had not put Enke under pressure or encouraged him to hide his illness. They were simply unaware of a problem.

His therapist Valentin Markser, who had been treating him since 2003, said: "We were very close yet even I didn't notice how acute was the threat. He knew how to hide the scope of his illness, had developed defence machanisms."

A suicide letter left on the passenger seat of his abandoned Mercedes jeep, apologised to his wife and to his doctor for not revealing the true depth of his depression, and told of his sense that there was no alternative. That morning though, before setting out for goalkeeper training, he had rung his doctors and told them he was breaking off treatment since he felt well enough to carry on.

After training he appears to have driven around and then at about six o clock in the evening parked close to a level crossing. It was a place where he would go sometimes with his four dogs and was only about 2.5 kilometres away from his home. As the train, travelling at 160 kilometres per hour approached, he left the car — the note and his wallet on the side seat, the doors unlocked — and lay down on the tracks.

Dr Markser said football had, if anything, helped him control his depressive phases. His widow agreed:"it was what he lived for,it was life-elixir and knowing how much it meant to him I would go with Robert to the training sessions."

None of his co-players noticed anything. Theo Zwanziger, chairman of the German Football Association, said: "When I discussed it with them on Wednesday morning they were genuinely flabbergasted, really moved, needed to discuss the implications seriously among themselves."

A friendly game against Chile on Saturday has been cancelled.

Yet it was also the fear of failure on the pitch that contributed to Enke's condition.

"When he came to me in 2003 he was suffereing from depressive bouts and failure anxieties," said Dr Markser, "I treated him for months on an almost daily basis so that by the spring of 2004 he could play again in Spain and then in Hanover."