The widow of Germany's national goalkeeper, Robert Enke, choked back tears as she described how he lived a life of fear before throwing himself in front of the train that killed him.

The suicide has stunned Germany and triggered a debate about the concealment of mental illlness in high-profile competitive sport. A friendly game against Chile on Saturday has been cancelled as a mark of respect.

The 32-year-old keeper had been fighting for years against clinical depression but had been determined to keep it secret lest it spell the end of his footballing career, said his widow Teresa. Most of all he was afraid that the ensuing publicity would lead to the authorities cancelling their adoption of a new-born baby last May.

"When he was acutely depressive, it was difficult," said his 30 year old widow, dressed all in black, "Difficult above all because he didn't want anything to get out. That's the way he wanted it, because he was terrified of losing his sport."

Mrs Enke appeared at a press conference organised by her husband's old club Hannover 96. Although officials stressed that it was her own decision to talk to reporters less than 24 hours after the suicide, it was plain that the club wanted to demonstrate it had not put Enke under pressure or encouraged him to hide his illness. They were simply unaware of a problem.

"We were very close, yet even I didn't notice how acute was the threat," said Valentin Markser, Enke's therapist, who had been treating him since 2003. "He knew how to hide the scope of his illness, had developed defence mechanisms."

A suicide letter was found on the passenger seat of his abandoned Mercedes jeep, in which Enke apologised to his wife and to his doctor for not revealing the true depth of his depression, and expressed his sense that there was no alternative.

That morning, before setting out for goalkeeper training, Enke had rung his doctors and told them he was breaking off treatment since he felt well enough to carry on. After training he appears to have driven around and then, at about 6pm, he parked close to a level crossing. It was a place where he would go sometimes with his four dogs and was only about 2.5 km away from his home.

As the train approached at 160 km per hour, the keeper left the note and his wallet on the side seat of his car, the doors unlocked as if he had just popped out to buy a newspaper, and lay down on the tracks.

Dr Markser said that football had if anything helped Enke control his depressive phases.

His widow agreed: "It was what he lived for, it was life elixir, and knowing how much it meant to him I would go with Robert to the training sessions."

Yet it was also the fear of failure on the pitch that contributed to Enke's condition.