So who do we support instead? Now that none of the home nations will be playing in Austria or Switzerland in Euro 2008, one thing is for sure: it will be no fun at all watching the best national teams in Europe (plus Austria and Switzerland) battling for the silverware next June (what is the European Championship trophy called anyway?) if we cannot get worked up about any of them.

OK, Austria aren’t England, and Sweden are not Scotland, but it is important to adopt a team. You do not have to buy a replica shirt or learn to shout “Launch it!” in the local patois, but you have to want one team to win.

But if the shirt does matter, how about Poland? Their colours of white and red should strike a chord with any England fan and those old ribbons you tied to your car aerial last year will come up lovely with a quick rinse. What is more, you will be among friends, with hundreds of thousands of Poles living and working in these islands.

In fact, the only point against the Poles is that some of the names might prove a little hard to fit into traditional chants. For example, “One Przemyslaw Kazmierczak, there’s only one Przemyslaw Kazmierczak” might take a bit of practice.

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The faults that lie deep within the nation's football will not be cured simply by handing Steve McClaren his P45

Martin Samuel

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BACKGROUND

• O’Neill rules himself out of running

• Same old routine for Barwick and Co

• £2.5m for worst English manager

• English game paralysed by fear of the unknown

BACKGROUND

• The contenders

• Defeat puts paid to hopes of £2bn bonanza

• McClaren's epitaph: ‘Worse than Graham Taylor’

• Former coach faces fight to rebuild reputation

BACKGROUND

• From 1 to 11: why number was up for England

• Beckham is the blueprint by which to rebuild national game

• Talisman expects backlash but is not retiring

• Carson hoping to bounce back

BACKGROUND

• Wembley authorities unable to explain quagmire

• England were a shower but I’d do it all again

• Time to support the other red and whites

• England got what they deserved, says Corluka

BACKGROUND

• England among also-rans in World Cup seedings

• Players’ egos responsible for failure, says Keane

• Own Goal

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But if you’re not convinced, here are the pros and cons of the other 15 nations.

Austria

Pro Have given so much to the world, including Freud, Mozart, Strauss, The Sound Of Music and, er, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Con Adolf Hitler was Austrian.

Croatia

Pro Worthy winners of England’s group and they showed integrity by going all out to win a meaningless final match for them. The b******s. Con Slaven Bilic’s outrageous piece of simulation in the 1998 World Cup semi-final – not exactly the British ideal of fair play.

Czech Republic

Pro Prague is a great destination and the Czechs elected Václav Havel, a dramatist, to the Presidency. Mike Leigh for Prime Minister! Con Allowed Germany to beat them in the final of Euro ’96 at Wembley.

France

Pro Most of them play in the Barclays Premier League. Arsenal supporters are already used to cheering for French players, as are plenty of others. Con They’re France.

Germany You must be joking.

Greece

Pros The defending champions, from the cradle of Western civilisation. Cons Athens is the pollution capital of Europe.

Holland

Pro Laid-back people who all speak excellent English – probably better than most of us, in fact. Invented total football and gave us Dennis Bergkamp. Con All that orange.

Italy

Pro Everyone loves Italian food and has great memories of Italia ’90. Con They have inherited our hooligan problem and taken it on a bit.

Portugal

Pro Britain’s oldest European allies – like us, a nation of seafarers and explorers. Con Remember 2004 and Cristiano Ronaldo’s wink?

Romania

Pro They gave us Dracula and hence Christopher Lee’s career. Con They gave us freeloaders such as Florin Raducioiu. Knocked us out of Euro 2000.

Russia

Pro Beneficiaries of England’s failure, so let’s be big about it. And since some of them own Premier League clubs, or would like to, perhaps it would be wise to establish a good relationship. Con How smug does Guus Hiddink look today?

Spain

Pro Tapas, rioja, sun-kissed beaches and Fernando Torres. Con Bullfighting, José Antonio Reyes.

Sweden

Pro Sven, Ulrika, Abba – Con Sven, Ulrika, Abba.

Switzerland

Pros Chocolate, cuckoo clocks, skiing. Did we mention chocolate? Con The neutrals’ neutrals.

Turkey

Pro Famously hospitable people and increasingly popular with Britons. Con Those “Welcome to Hell” banners weren’t exactly great PR. All together, then – “One Przemyslaw Kazmierczak . . .”