THE BBC HAS PUT UP A SIGN by the messageboards on its sports website, requesting correspondents to tone it down. Apparently, viewers logging on to give Motty, Lawro and pals a piece of their e-mail aren’t holding back on what my mother calls “choice language”.
You’ll get none of that here, of course, where we take a far more tolerant and understanding line on commentators, pundits and their valuable work. We respect these people for the service they so selflessly offer at what must be a busy time of the year for them, what with there being a World Cup on and everything.
Indeed, we’re not ashamed to say that we’ve got a lot of time for the carefully reasoned insights offered on the BBC by the likes of Martin O’Neill and, er, Martin O’Neill. And we very much enjoy it when Marcel Desailly enters the studio, with prodigious charisma intact, although we do wish Alan Hansen would stop licking him.
Altogether, in fact, we find that a beatific calm has settled upon us. Blissed out by all this gratifying football, we appear to have crossed over to a place where no analyst or commentator can touch us by means of inanity or hysteria alone, apart from, every now and again, ITV’s Clive Tyldesley.
We observe, for instance, Lee Dixon mounting the argument this weekend that England should make sure that they win their group in order to avoid meeting Argentina until the final. And we note that he might be wrong, because England and Argentina could meet as early as the quarter-finals if the South Americans lose to Holland. But whatever qualifications are necessary to become part of the BBC’s punditry team in Germany, the ability to operate a World Cup wallchart is not necessarily one of them.
But do we therefore go directly to the BBC’s website with our blood up and fire off a paragraph of crackling, semi-litigious opprobrium at the expense of Dixon and people close to him, in language to shame our mothers? No, we do not. We calmly split open another packet of chocolate and hazelnut Boasters and wait for the football to come back on. For life is short and World Cups are few — too few, surely, to be spoilt by the tiny slips of these peripheral figures. Not even Peter Drury screaming ‘Equaliser!’ when the score is 1-1.
That was during Italy v United States. “No Saturday night feature,” Drury informed us, “would ever match it” for its “blood and thunder”, its “twists and turns” and, moreover, its “everlastingly breathless plots and subplots”. Try running that one past Kasey Keller, the United States goalkeeper. “How would you describe today’s encounter, Kasey?” “The lads are everlastingly breathless in there, Peter.”
Alert, perhaps, to the rising levels of public disdain for the traditional pundit, ITV yesterday, in the staffing of Brazil v Australia, sent for Shane Warne, who, we understand, is an Australia (wait for this) cricketer. Purists will complain, but if the job is essentially about being unable to understand a World Cup wallchart, then it might as well be a cricketer doing the misunderstanding as an ex-professional footballer.
Anyway, it was Warne’s mission to be as Australian as he possibly could be, in the circumstances, and he fulfilled it admirably. Indeed, he couldn’t have been more Australian had he attempted to keep his beer cool in the shadow created by Steve Rider.
Warne became the second high-profile cricketer to feature in the televising of this World Cup, after Andrew Flintoff’s unsteady public embrace of Ray “Shtubbsie” Stubbs on the first Saturday. If the pie-eyed Flintoff had been, say, a pie-eyed Robbie Fowler, the moral inquest would still be going on. But he’s a cricketer, so it’s fine. Cricketers can get away with anything. Unlike football pundits.
World Cup 7/24
This is what we loved about football yesterday...
1. John Motson’s people have been in touch after a mischievous England fan claimed that the BBC commentator’s mobile phone ringtone is the Match of the Day theme tune with his commentary on it. The claims were half right — there is no commentary. Thanks for allaying our fears.
2. The official World Cup programme includes an interview with the Telstar ball used in the 1974 tournament, conducted by the uber-smooth 2006 version. The veteran admits to having a weak bladder. The Teamgeist, though, dreams of being stroked by Ronaldinho.
3. The surprise choice to host Indonesia’s World Cup coverage — the daughter of the country’s former dictator — has given up her role after being widely criticised. “I have never been a presenter, I have always been a housewife,” Titiek Suharto said. We should be grateful for small mercies.
4. Bleary-eyed Australians should be shown leniency by their employers, according to John Howard, their Prime Minister. Several million Aussies were expected to stay up through the night to watch the Socceroos’ 2-0 defeat by Brazil yesterday — including thousands who hit the streets to watch the match on outdoor screens. Bet they’re glad they stayed up now . . .
5. Police in Germany gave two England fans a hand after finding them asleep in charge of a vehicle. The pair forgot to apply the handbrake and were oblivious when their van rolled across the street and into a car. The police pushed it back and put on the brakes to prevent a repeat.
6. Jürgen Klinsmann has struggled for acceptance as coach of Germany after basing himself in California, but a fan’s banner has suggested that his popularity may be on an upward curve. It read: “Klinsi, marry me.” We think the writer may be disappointed, however — it was signed by “Franz”.
7. Light years from the razzmatazz of the World Cup, the football season got under way. Carmarthen Town, Dungannon Swifts and Shelbourne carried home hopes into the first round of the Intertoto Cup against teams from Azerbaijan, Iceland and Lithuania. Things are sure to get better.
