Most eagerly awaited return to spiritual homes: Nigel Reo-Coker to West Ham. “Gentleman” Joey Barton to Manchester City. Both, intriguingly, on the last day of the season.

Best new Wag to watch: Nikoleta Lozanova, Bulgarian Playmate of the Year 2006 and girlfriend of new Liver-pool goalkeeper Nikolay Mihaylov.

Headline you won’t read (1): Chris Hutchings collects yet another manager-of-the-month award.

Never to be seen again:Mark Viduka trying to squeeze himself into a Middlesbrough shirt.

Something to look forward to: Viduka trying to squeeze himself into a Newcastle shirt. But remember: stripes are flattering.

Most pointless part of new signing’s contract: years two, three and four of Craig Bellamy’s four-year deal at West Ham.

Interesting new (co)owner who once wasn’t Thailand’s dictator: Birmingham City’s Carson Yeung. The former hairdresser claims St Andrews was his “destiny”, especially after attempts to buy Reading and Sheffield Wednesday fell through. He’s very keen to share his tactical nous with Steve Bruce.

Undoubtedly stronger than they were in May: Chelsea, Fulham, Manchester United, Portsmouth, Sunderland, Tottenham Hotspur.

Undoubtedly weaker than they were in May: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Reading.

Fees to ponder:Darren Bent’s, Jeremie Aliadiere’s.

Agent of the summer: the one who brokered another Premier League season for Titus Bramble.

Headline you won’t read (2): Arsène Wenger secretly photographed dining with a current member of the Arsenal board.

Most trusting board: Liverpool’s, allowing Rafael Benitez to spend £38m on Fernando Torres and Ryan Babel. Luckily, reports of Jan Kromkamp and Mark Gonzalez’s value for money have not reached the United States.

Hardest act to follow: Sam Allardyce at Bolton Wanderers.

Strangely unwelcome new face: Sam Allardyce at Newcastle United.

He’s still in charge: Sir Alex Ferguson’s order to Nani to stop those dangerous backflips when he scores.

He’s getting a bit forgetful: Ferguson not buying a world-class goalkeeper this summer.

Most unlucky new signing: West Ham’s Julien Faubert, injured in a friendly against Sigma Olomouc and out until after Christmas. Worse still, they immediately signed a direct replacement, Freddie Ljungberg.

Forgotten by October: David Beckham. NB, if resident in United States, replace “October” with “September”.

Bravest face on realising the extent of his error on moving to Los Angeles: David Beckham.

Wish they were here: Paul Jewell, David Dein, Neil Warnock’s jokes, Adrian Boothroyd’s Comical Ali levels of optimism, Thierry Henry, Arjan De Zeeuw’s commitment.

Also missing:Khalid Boulahrouz, Watford’s football, Neil Warnock’s moaning, Jose Antonio Reyes’s commitment.

Headline you won’t read (3): Latest sizzling victory takes Derby into European contention

Estimated date of Wigan Athletic’s mathematical demotion: April 4.

Estimated date of Derby County’s mathematical relegation: May 4.

Least superstitious purchase: Portsmouth’s of Hermann Hreidarsson, relegated with Crystal Palace, Wimbledon, Ipswich Town and Charlton Athletic.

Least likely promise to be kept: Jose Mourinho’s to embrace mellow. Still, Avram Grant can pick up the pieces.

They’re not going to play their way out of trouble: a warm welcome to Derby signings Claude Davis and Andy Todd.

Ungrateful fans of the summer: Sunderland’s, who campaigned against the recruitment of Michael Chopra because he briefly played at Newcastle.

Headline you won’t read (4): “What ho, I’ve bought an English player,” announces Sven-Göran Eriksson.

Season tickets sold: Manchester United, circa 60,000. Wigan, circa 10,000.