“This is the actual door that Kevin Keegan will walk through,” the Sky Sports News reporter said while waiting for Newcastle United’s latest manager to address a press conference recently. Wow. The actual door. What a fascinating insight and one that speaks volumes about the obsessive relationship the media has with football in this country.

Britain’s appetite for football media content is huge and greater than anywhere else in Europe. Just look at the newspapers – broadsheets and tabloids alike have at least four or five pages of football every day, not to mention the endless television coverage. But the irony is that this vast volume of content doesn’t actually say anything most of the time. Why? Because footballers never say what they are actually thinking, which means this endless coverage is made up of the same old clichés and platitudes. In fact, the majority of football interviews are so unbelievably dull and predictable that most journalists could probably write the answers themselves.

So why don’t we say what we’re really thinking? The answer is simple. Because we’re wary of being either dropped or hung out to dry. It’s much more comfortable to say a load of words that basically mean nothing. And these standard answers seem to get handed down to each new generation because they allow players to talk without saying what they think.

The best interviews occur when a really strong character speaks his mind. But how often do you get that? Reading’s Dave Kitson did it recently when he was asked about playing Spurs in the FA Cup – which he basically said that he couldn’t give a monkey’s about because Reading’s No 1 priority is to stay in the Premier League. Whether you agree or not, his point was understandable and fair play to him for being honest. But you can’t have anyone here in England saying anything negative about the FA Cup, so he ends up being hammered for it.

However, while I’m happy to accept that players are to blame for making interviews so tedious, I also think that a lot of journalists play their part, too.

It’s not complicated. If you don’t want a predictable answer, don’t ask a predictable question. With all the interviews we do, it can be so frustrating going over the same nonsense week after week, season after season. “You must be happy with the win?” I mean, what sort of question is that? “No, I’m gutted as it goes.”

And then there’s the one I get twice a year, every year, without fail, whenever games against Arsenal come around. “So, what’s it like to play your old team?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the question itself. But, please, not every season.

The postmatch live TV interview is a particularly tricky one. We have to do them, of course, because the broadcasters pump so much money in, which is fair enough. But it can be pretty tough a few seconds after a game. In those 90 minutes you’ve probably sprinted a few miles, you can barely breathe, you’re physically and mentally drained, sweating buckets, covered in dirt and have got breath like a zookeeper’s boot.

What’s more, the adrenalin is still pumping and you haven’t had a minute to let what has just happened sink in. But you know that what you’re about to say is going out live to an audience of millions. And that’s why a lot of us just go into autopilot. The reporter might as well abandon any specific questions and just say “talk about whatever you want” because that’s what most of us tend to do. I’m shocking for it, I know. But it saves you saying something inappropriate in the heat of the moment.

It’s a harsh choice for us players. Speak your mind and risk the consequences, or play it safe, stay out of trouble and bore yourself senseless.

But at the end of the day, obviously, that’s just football, to be fair . . . Volzy’s Interview Patter Translator “It was a physical, competitive contest” means “Those dirty b*****ds kicked lumps out of us for 90 minutes.” “We’ve got to get down to some hard work on the training ground” means “We’ve been given two days off - yippee!” “It’s a great honour to play for your country” means “We’ve got Liverpool at home this Saturday and I can’t believe I’m stuck out here in Ghana.” “All that matters is the three points” means “That was a cracking goal I scored and I can’t wait to play it to my kids every day for the rest of their lives.” “I’d heard only good things about the club and that’s why I signed” means “They’re throwing a ridiculous amount of cash at me.”

Universal language - Volzy’s Interview Patter Translator

He says “It was a physical, competitive contest.”

He means “Those dirty b*****ds kicked lumps out of us for 90 minutes.”

He says “We’ve got to get down to some hard work on the training ground.”

He means “We’ve been given two days off — yippee!”

He says “It’s a great honour to play for your country.”

He means “We’ve got Liverpool at home this Saturday and I can’t believe I’m stuck out here in Ghana.”

He says “All that matters is the three points.”

He means “That was a cracking goal I scored and I can’t wait to play it to my kids every day for the rest of their lives.”