Psst. Wanna buy a football club? One carefree lardy owner. Nah, it’s kosher, guv, the real deal, the genuine article. It’s a going concern; going down, maybe, but let’s not bother with the small print, eh? The last bloke didn’t. Due diligence, shmiligence. So, whaddaya say: £400 million? £300 million? How about £250 million and you can keep Dennis Wise? No, no, seriously. Keep him.

Noocarsal Younighted, they call it, although I’ve got to level with you, mate, I’ve seen more unity in Albert Square. But that’s part of the charm, innit? Some people see division and protest and anger. I see everyone having a bit of a sing-song and a knees-up. What? No, pal, I didn’t used to be an estate agent, ta all the same. That’s just offensive. I’m a businessman.

I offer you my word of honour that all the parts are in perfect working order. OK, OK, granted — with the exception of Nicky Butt’s legs. And Gérémi’s. Everything else, though — mint. What’s that you say? Injury list? Couldn’t be farther from the truth. Those players are just having a lovely rest after so much fun. That isn’t blood, it’s ketchup. Why would I lie to you?

You don’t have to worry about the manager. He’s a diamond. One in a million, which were also the odds on him getting the job, as it happens. And Joe Kinnear isn’t tied to a long-term contract, so you don’t need to worry about compensation. How long is it? Until the end of October. Six games. Maybe eight. Possibly four. But hey, who’s counting? We’re going to have a right old laugh.

So what if Joe’s got a dodgy memory? He said he’s never taken a club down before, but that’s just a detail. And he forgot to mention that he’s got a touchline ban. Big deal. That’ll just help him to see the bigger picture. Which in this case means a rubbish team sapped of all confidence and a stadium that is 8,000 fans below capacity, but let’s try to focus on the positives.

Joe certainly is. Just listen. Think Henry V. Think Agincourt. And then think again. “Every part of me is looking forward to this challenge,” he said. “I know I’m going to get crucified and everything else that’s going on, but I’ll take it on the chin and get on with the job. It’s always easier to throw stones than to support. It has never been different in football, or different for me.

“Does it drive me on? Yeah. Well, no, not necessarily. I think I’m bright. I’ve had a good football career. I’ve won European cup medals. I’ve got international caps. I’m no mug. But because I was associated with Wimbledon for so long and turned over people for so long, the hatred starts. It is the same up here. I’ve only been here five minutes and I’m branded a Cockney. How the f*** am I a Cockney? I was born and reared in Ireland and played for Ireland.”

If that doesn’t get the locals going, nothing will. As Joe said, “b*****ks to it”. And a load of b*****ks is what Newcastle are. But they’re friendly, welcoming people. Steven Taylor and Fabricio Coloccini were ever so polite in allowing Christopher Samba and Roque Santa Cruz to get in front of them and score. Two-nil down to Blackburn Rovers at half-time. Little Mickey Owen got one back, though. Penalty.

This is a bargain, pal. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You don’t even have to go there if you don’t want; just pick up the ticket money and stay in London, like the present mob. Just pay lip service to notions such as accountability, competence, loyalty, communication and decency and you will be fine. So make me an offer. You couldn’t do any worse. Could you?

Newcastle (4-4-2): S Given 6 - S Taylor 4, F Coloccini 4, Caçapa 5, S Bassong 5 - Gérémi 4, N Butt 4, C N’Zogbia 5, D Duff 7 - M Owen 6, Xisco 5. Substitutes: F Ameobi (for Gérémi, 72min); D Edgar (for N’Zogbia, 82). Not used: S Harper, B Tozer, M Doninger, R Donaldson, N Ranger. Next: Everton (a).

Blackburn (4-2-3-1): J Brown 5 - D Simpson 7, C Samba 6, R Nelsen 6, M Olsson 6 - Tugay Kerimoglu 7, S Warnock 7 - B Emerton 5, C Villanueva 6, M Derbyshire 6 - R Santa Cruz 6. Substitutes: R Fowler 5 (for Villanueva, 62min); J Roberts (for Santa Cruz, 84); A Ooijer (for Derbyshire, 85). Not used: M G Pedersen, K Andrews, K Treacy, M Bunn. Next: Man United (h).