Sports Calendar

Maladjusted, miserable former lead singer of The Smiths who has started swanning about Los Angeles in a Millwall top. Viva Hate.

47. Timmy Mallett (Oxford United)

Fair play to him for sticking with Oxford through thick and thin, but that doesn’t excuse the loud shirts, the comedy sunglasses or that bloody mallet. Wins brownie points for stopping West Ham from selling Herbie the Hammer replicas in their club shop. Mallett complained that Herbie looked exactly like Pinky Punky. West Ham said the matter was “trivial”.

46. Jon Anderson (Accrington Stanley)

Owner of a lonely heart who was also the owner of an Accrington Stanley season ticket when he was a boy – promise it’s true, it’s on the internet. Anderson, lead singer with Yes, was a promising football player who nearly made the grade with his hometown club before he devoted himself to a life of high-pitched wailing on seminal prog-rock classics such as The Revealing Science of God (Dance of the Dawn) - a catchy synth-heavy ditty that comes in at just under 23 minutes, or half a half if we're talking football.

45. Kelly Jones (Leeds United)

Pint-sized singer with The Stereophonics who had the dubious pleasure of performing at Wayne Rooney’s wedding. Rooney loves the derivative Welsh rockers so much that he’s tattooed the title of one of their albums – Just Enough Education to Perform - on one of his arms. Classy.

44. Zoe Ball (Manchester United)

“TV personality” who stopped supporting Liverpool and switched to Manchester United when they started winning things. As you do.

43. John McCririck (Newcastle United)

Sexist, Diet-Coke slurping racing pundit and TV personality who supports the Toon even though he was born in Surrey. Redeemed his reputation recently by becoming the first guest to be booed off ITV’s Loose Women.

42. Wayne Rooney (Everton)