Smash hit

Do you wanna be starting something? The King of Pop arrived at St James Park in a blaze of publicity in 2002 to lecture the locals about world peace and harmony. He did it as a favour for Uri Geller, his spoonbending friend and former Exeter chairman. Exeter were relegated out of the Football League the following season. Jackson has not been back since.

11. David Cameron (Aston Villa)

The Bullingdon Berk claims that he is a Villa fan because “the first game I ever went to was an Aston Villa game and so I am an Aston Villa fan”. Man of the people Dave forgot to mention that he was taken along by his uncle, Sir William Dugdale, who just happened to be the Villa chairman at the time.

10. Sean Bean (Sheffield United)

Professional Northerner and former Sheffield United director who is always banging on about how much he loves the Blades. Fell out spectacularly with Neil Warnock, the former United manager, last year. “At a board meeting, he made a big show of how he wanted to make an important point,” Warnock said. “We all waited expectantly and then he said that we should get rid of Captain Blade. That was it. That was all he wanted to talk about. The team mascot. The fluffy thing on the touchline. Captain F**king Blade. That was the extent of his contribution."

9. Piers Morgan (Arsenal)

Never misses a chance to tell the world that he loves Arsenal but spoiled it all by claiming in his Sunday newspaper column that “Arsenal have won precisely nothing since 2004. Not even a Carling bloody Cup.” Arsenal won the FA Cup in 2005.

8. Meat Loaf (Hartlepool United)

Mr Loaf has never been to Hartlepool but he was apparently considering moving to Teesside five years ago because he wanted to live near Victoria Park. He’s never been to a game, he likes pies and he’s overweight. Two out of three ‘aint bad.

7. Zeljko “Arkan” Raznatovic (Red Star Belgrade and Obilic)

Serbian paramilitary mass murderer and ethnic cleanser who was indicted by the United Nations on charges of crimes against humanity and acts of genocide before he was assassinated in 2002.

6. Robbie Williams (Port Vale)

The man who ruined the build-up to every single professional football game in the world by recording “Let Me Entertain You”.

5. Osama Bin Laden (Arsenal)

In a cave, somewhere in Pakistan, the most wanted man in the world is kicking his battered transistor radio as news reaches him that Arsenal have lost again. “That bloody infidel Wenger,” he wails. “Death to Israel! Death to America! Death to Tottenham!”

4. Nick Hornby (Arsenal)

Before “Fever Pitch” we could pay at the turnstiles, stand on the terraces and watch a fight. After “Fever Pitch” we have to pay £50, sit next to a solicitor and give Sky £40 a month.

3. Jon Gaunt (Coventry City)

We hate to kick a man when he’s down – “Gaunty” was sacked by TalkSPORT recently – but you probably wouldn’t want to sit next to everyone’s least favourite right-wing shock jock at a game.

2. Russell Brand (West Ham United)

Potty-mouthed “comedian” who minces about Upton Park pretending he owns the place. Also writes a pathetic weekly football column in The Guardian and called his autobiography “My Booky Wook”.

1. Adolf Hitler (Schalke 04)

Hitler may have bombed Old Trafford, but he wasn’t a Manchester City fan. The Fuhrer had a soft spot for Schalke, who, funnily enough, were German champions six times between 1933 and 1945. “Winning a match,” Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's propaganda chief, wrote, “is of more importance to the people than the capture of a town in the East.’” He obviously never went to a Norwich-Millwall game.