So, a column in The Times? Jonny Wilkinson, Michael Owen and me. Two of the most clinical scorers in their fields . . . and a rugby player. Just joking, Jonny — I’ll start that again. Two of the most clinical scorers in their fields, and a German defender (currently pretending to be a midfielder) whose goal stats, until a couple of months ago, were minus one for over two years.

Mind you, I’m turning it around slowly. I’ve now got three this season already (obviously why The Times came knocking . . .), but, as much as it’s a step in the right direction, it has revealed a fundamental flaw in my game — my goal celebrations.

They are terrible. But then they would be — it’s not like I’ve had much practice. When I scored my first Premiership goal at Villa this season, I just ran off up the pitch with my tongue hanging out and then basically fell over. It wasn’t too clever at all. I looked like a frog! And then, against Chelsea, when I decided it was time to pop up again and make sure it was me who got the 15,000th Premiership goal, the tongue immediately reappeared — it’s like some horrendous involuntary reaction.

So I’ve employed the services of my friend Leddy as my Goal Celebration Co-ordinator. He’s old school and wants me to bring back “the Mick Channon windmill”. I did have a quick go after that goal at Stamford Bridge but it was a bit half-hearted and it just looked like I’d lost control of my arms as well as my tongue. So the plan is to spend a bit of time down at the park working on a few routines.

Leddy’s No 1 priority is to get rid of the tongue action. According to him, we need to get that sorted before we can move forward and then we can build from there — I’ll be keeping you up to date on my progress over the coming months.

Talking of trips to the park, I had one of my Funday Sundays last weekend, which involved a fantastic brunch with pancakes and all the trimmings and then a quick stroll down to the local Sunday League pitches to catch a bit of “real football” as I like to call it. It was absolute class — I saw so many things that would be great to see in the Premiership. Instead of spending all that money on refs, the Premier League should get the coaches and managers involved more like they do in park football.

In one game we watched, the manager for one of the teams was also the linesman, which was total genius. Just as we arrived, he was flagging an offside that was at least five yards on — and while he was doing it, he was yelling at his own back four to squeeze up! It was absolute quality. If Fifa are keen on changing any rules, that’s one I’d start with. I want to see Chris Coleman running the line at Fulham home games.

I’m also a big fan of the Sunday League shout-outs because they don’t exist anywhere else in football. I’m compiling them at the moment so I can start using them in the Premiership. “Deliver!” is one of my current favourites and “All day long”. But the best shout of last weekend came when this overweight defender gets the ball deep in his own half, tees himself up to launch it and yells, “Who wants it?” I mean, we all know he’s just going to smack it and hope it stays on the pitch, but the shout implies that he’ll deliver it to the nearest centimetre. I’m aiming to use that one in the FA Cup game against Spurs in a couple of weeks.

The other quality observation from Funday Sunday came when a player went down injured. The lino shouts, “Oi, Mikey! Water!” So the assistant comes on with a bucket of water and next thing the player’s up and running around! I mean, is that some kind of holy water or what? It seemed to have magic powers that just washed the pain away.

We need to get our hands on some of that stuff at Fulham — especially with our injuries. I’d be drinking it all day long!