I was reading a book about Blackbeard and his pirates the other day and, every time they landed on shore, they went berserk. Rape, pillage; you name it, they did it. They had been cooped up aboard ship for so long, it was how they released their aggression. And woe betide those who got in their way.

I read yesterday that Craig Bellamy and John Arne Riise, his Liverpool teammate, had allegedly come to blows while on a mid-season break in Portugal. It did not surprise me one bit; the mid-season or preseason break is a punch-up waiting to happen, when testosterone mixes with alcohol and all hell lets loose.

Blackbeard and his boys did go to extremes. But what are termed as bonding sessions, bringing the players and management closer together away from the public eye, can have disastrous consequences. A squad can easily return home split down the middle instead of tighter than ever. What use is the tour then?

Reading about the antics of Bellamy, the apparent aggressor, and Riise was reading a book when you already know the ending. It’s happened before, many times, and will happen again. And I have to say, sadly, that it’s British lads who are usually mainly responsible for the trouble.

At times, the British footballer behaves like a British hooligan. Some of them reflect the society that we live in; just visit a town centre late on a Friday or Saturday night. Loutish, drunken behaviour is everywhere and it’s no different to that of a footballer. Every club in England has a Craig Bellamy waiting to explode; every camp has a loose cannon.

It’s almost ingrained in the British culture. You wouldn’t recognise some of the players, once they have a drink. They want to take on the world. When I was with Millwall, one 17-year-old wanted to take on Terry Hurlock, an ox of a midfield player with the reputation of an enforcer. The kid had a few beers, got braver as the evening wore on and had a pop. How mad was that?

The Latin players never get involved, nor the African boys. The Scandinavians are OK but those from the Eastern bloc occasionally get out of line. Some of them can sink a few. Yet for the most part, the foreign lads just don’t break curfews. In fact, curfews are hardly needed for them.

But the Brits? All season they live like monks, but when they get away, they go ballistic. Drink is always involved and I know one Premiership player who, when he has one too many, likes to punch people. They punch him back and, bingo, it all kicks off.

For foreign managers such as Rafael BenÍtez, of Liverpool, this is very hard to understand. I remember, when I was on a preseason tour with Aston Villa in Hong Kong, that Jim Walker, the physio, had to explain to Jozef Venglos, our Czech manager, that he had to tell us not to go out in the evening. “You have to tell them,” Jim explained to him. “You just have to.” Of course, we all went out.

In another incident – involving Manchester City players – a teammate put another through a shop window in the middle of the high street. Another preseason trip, another booze-fuelled episode, another fracas.

British footballers abroad are supposedly grown men but they can be so immature. Eric Cantona might have had a few problems, what with his kung-fu kicks, but I don’t recall him thumping teammates or becoming involved in late-night brawls in bars.

BenÍtez now has a problem, one that he could do without ahead of the Champions League encounter with Barcelona on Wednesday. Bellamy is a good player, a sparky striker, but no matter how valuable he is on the pitch, you have to balance that with his possible disruptive influence off it. He has “previous” and he is the type of player that can get a manager the sack.

How do you solve the mini-break mayhem? It’s simple. You take along the wives, the girlfriends and the families. No more crazy karaoke, no more binge-drinking, no more embarrassment.

But would the players have it? No way. Footballers need their space . . . and boys will be boys.

TROUBLE ON TOUR

LEICESTER CITY 2000 La Manga

Our plucky Worthington Cup heroes go on a prefinal break to La Manga. Scheduled for four days they come home after one when Stan Collymore lets off a fire extinguisher in a piano bar. The owner says he has never seen anything like it, but Leicester are allowed back four years later and three players end up in the sex offenders’ wing at Murcia Jail. All those allegations are dropped

MANCHESTER CITY 2005 Bangkok

Before he was the saviour of England and a regular at his local anger management clinic, Joey Barton was actually a bad boy who took his disappointment with Sven-Göran Eriksson’s tactical impotency out on a teenage Everton fan in Bangkok. Richard Dunne tried to play peacemaker but ended up injuring himself by kicking a wall

EVERTON 1991 Benidorm

When not somersaulting down the wing, Peter Beagrie spent the club’s Spanish break drinking and flagging down passing motorcyclists. Having secured a lift home, he failed to rouse the night porter and so, in a scene that probably felt like a curious mix of Steve McQueen in Benidorm at the time, rode the bike through the plate glass doors. He got in but, alas, got 50 stitches too

ARSENAL 1995 Hong Kong

Before getting all scientific and developing a penchant for pasta bake, Arsenal were a riot of touring hedonists. Ray Parlour inevitably played his role, allegedly coming to blows with a Hong Kong taxi driver. His crime? Pouring a packet of prawn crackers into the engine. Not a mechanic then

LIVERPOOL 1994 Cyprus

Not strictly a club tour but Don Hutchison surely deserves dishonorary inclusion for his behaviour on holiday in Ayia Nopa, the Cyprus resort for committed dancers. To impress the locals, Hutchison dropped his trousers and stuck a Budweiser label on his genitalia while singing The Birdie Song. Okay, I made the last bit up. Manager Roy Evans reportedly said: “If he’s been showing his **** again that's out of order.”

ENGLAND 1996 Far East

Terry Venables deserves credit for taking England to the cusp of glory on the back of their tour to the Far East when they were accused of wrecking a plane and then getting tipsy at the dentist’s. Gazza famously celebrated the side's drinking capacity after knocking one in against Scotland. Of course, German sobriety won out