Sunday

HELLO again everybody. Or should I, Svennis, say “eh up, chuck”? Ha ha, ho ho. For sure, I am feeling reet grand. As you may have heard, I have made my eagerly awaited return to English management. Not, as I had first thought, with Manchester United, but with their even more successful neighbours, Manchester City. A friendly shout of “Eriksson, yer bobbins,” from one wellwisher was an omen, for sure. High praise indeed. I am going to enjoy my time in Yorkshire.

Monday

Ring-ring. That is my phone waking me from my sleep. In order to stop the ringing, I shall answer it. “Hej! Svennis room. Svennis speaking.” It is an Asian voice. “Boss wants to see you. Now.” I put my suit on, place the lifts in my shoes and I am ready.

“Ah, Mr Eriksson, we meet once more. I am Thaksin Shinawatra, tax-paying businessman, often mentioned in Amnesty International dispatches. Manchester City are a big club, but they are in bad shape. Here is a carrier bag of money so clean it is as if it has been to a laundrette. Who do you fancy?”

The Supreme Ruler’s helpers finally stop dangling me over the edge of the tower. “Well, now I look back, Nancy was more of a companion, but I quite fancied Ulrika. I’ve got a real thing about Scarlett Johansson and I would imagine there is more to that Fiona Bruce than meets even Svennis’s eye, but I’m not that fussy, for sure.”

“No, idiot. Footballers. Dangle him again.”

Once again I am dangled. I catch the reflection of an Italian restaurant, Bianchi’s Pizzeria.

“Er, Rolando Bianchi...” “Excellent. Just make sure it’s not the Rolando Bianchi who scored four goals in 60 Italian games before last season.”

“Oh no. He’s, er, the Alaskan Rolando Bianchi. Tordgrip likes him.” A good day.

Tuesday

Yesterday good; today better. I wonder if Tordgrip is familiar with Rolando Bianchi . . . “Why yes, my trusted and loyal friend. Four goals in 60 Italian games before last season. In Italy, they call him ‘the new Corrado Grabbi’. Wouldn’t touch him with your barge pole.”

Wednesday

I am personally on the telephone to Rolando Bianchi. “Hello Rolando Bianchi? Svennis here.” “Sorry...” “Svennis, highly regarded coach and former manager of England.”

“Nope, you’ve got me there.” “I had a fling with some FA secretary.”

“Ah yes, I remember. How can I help you?”

“Come to Manchester. It’s a city in Europe. Our current strikers will make you look good.”

“Dunno. Don’t care one way or the other. Let me flip a coin . . . Okay, you win. Didn’t fancy Middlesbrough anyway.”

Thursday

My thoughts turn to football, a sport I have not thought about since I left Lazio in 2001. On Saturday we start our Premiership campaign against newly promoted Doncaster Rovers, a team of plastic surgeons. For sure, they will be stiff opposition.

Friday

Good news for Sky Blues music lovers! Michael Ball has signed a two-year contract to sing Love Changes Everything before every home game. Rolando Bianchi has told the press of Manchester where he says he would love to return to Italy if invited by a big club. We have so much in common.

Saturday

The day of the match. There are many photographers here to greet me. I have picked a full-strength team with the exception of Rolando Bianchi, who said he couldn’t make it as he’d already arranged to go to the cinema and then on to McDonald’s. Doncaster Rovers have 11 substitutes on the bench. What strength in depth they have.

Oh no. Doncaster Rovers have taken the lead. My football knowledge tells me they will be among the favourites for the Premiership this season, alongside my other dark horses, Sheffield United. At half-time, a man I have never seen before introduces himself as Hans Backe. Apparently, he is to be my new assistant. He suggests we substitute the goal machine that is Darius Vassell, play it “tight yet wide, not feeling you have to stick to 4-4-2 so rigidly and to attack Doncaster Rovers at every opportunity, while conserving energy because it is, after all, a friendly”. We win the second half 3-0, making it 3-1 to us if you put both halves together.

A friendly? Whoever he is, Hans Backe has much to learn. Three points for Manchester City and, more importantly, three points for Svennis the Brave. We are, we are, top of the league.