1. Have your photo taken with Thaksin Shinawatra

Alongside a man condemned by his people and the international community, and described by Human Rights Watch as ‘a human rights abuser of the worst kind’, anyone will look good. While Shinawatra and the Premier League take the fl ak about where the former Thai leader’s money came from, Sven maintains a statesmanlike quiet and dignity

2. Show your nose for a bargain

Anyone could have spent Thaksin’s (ill-gotten) cash, but only Sven picked up Elano. Even during the criticism of his England managerial reign, nobody disputed that he knew his world football. Buying the little-known Brazilian for £8m has been one of the best deals of the season so far and a key part of Manchester City’s revival

3. Win the Manchester derby

Fans, particularly City fans, will forgive you anything if you can beat United in your fi rst game against them. They’ll be even more happy if it’s a lucky win too. Sure enough, a fl ukey 1-0 victory over the hated neighbours in August means that Sven never has to buy a drink in the city again. Even better, he gets to look magnanimous afterwards as he presents Sir Alex Ferguson with a £400 bottle of wine. No doubt the Scotsman was ecstatic

4. Sit back and smile as your successor struggles

It turns out that the Swede really was worth all that money we were paying him for managing the national side (and sitting on his backside for months afterwards). Nothing has proved Sven’s genius more than the struggles and demise of Steve McClaren. And you thought England’s regular quarter-final exits at major tournaments represented underachievement. Sven, of course, would never have allowed himself to be snapped in that ‘Wally in the Brolly’ pose either. He would have sat calmly on the bench, pondering a night with Nancy. Or Ulrika. Or Faria

5. Stay true to yourself

But, er, not to Nancy. Even the silver-tongued Sven couldn’t talk his way out of his fl ing with Marisa Cauchi in October. ‘He tried to placate her, reassuring her there was nothing to it,’ said a friend of Nancy, ‘but, after much cajoling, he eventually coughed up and said that he had “had relations” with Marisa.’ It goes without saying that Nancy has apparently given him one more chance. And, with his track record for juicy front-page scandals, you can bet that tabloid editors won’t be calling for him to go any time soon

6. Keep fit and maintain your inner calm

After the reign of ‘Psycho’ Pearce, Manchester City must acclimatise to the icy Swede. As we can see, he’s still fi t and, as the ladies can testify, young at heart. And he had the pleasure of patronising Big Sam Allardyce ahead of City’s 2-0 win over Newcastle: ‘Everyone knows he is a great manager. The job he did for Bolton was fantastic’