In his press conference on Tuesday, Paul Azinger, the United States captain, said any number of peculiar things indicative of a paranoid personality already teetering on the brink of unreason (tee hee), but what struck me as especially comical at the time was the way he all but hissed, with narrowed eyes: “The Europeans are already requesting Sharpies on the tees and stuff like that, so I know what they’re trying to do.”

Blimey, I thought, it’s easy enough to rattle this bloke, isn’t it? If just the sight of Miguel Ángel Jiménez signing a few souvenir caps beside the practice ground can get him screaming unfair advantage, we must be in for an entertaining few days.

To be fair, however, the business of autograph signing has loomed large in the history of Ryder Cup gamesmanship, so perhaps Azinger was justified in being tetchy. In 1993, at The Belfry, Sam Torrance was famously sent off with a flea in his ear when he asked for some American autographs at the prematch dinner. Tom Watson, the US captain, had instructed his players to break with tradition and not sign any, but no one had told this to the Europeans.

“Fork Off!” was just one of the intemperate British tabloid headlines resulting from this example of perceived bad manners. And it didn’t end there. Four years ago, at Oakland Hills, Bernhard Langer scored an excellent public relations coup simply by encouraging his players to sign, sign, sign, pose a bit for snaps, then sign, sign, sign, and sign some more.

So what has happened on the practice days at Valhalla this week? Well, it’s gone a bit bananas. One would be forgiven for thinking that the Ryder Cup was an enormous, fabulous three-day hat-signing event with a bit of golf thrown in at the end.

The US team have been distributing lapel pins with American flags on (they cast them in handfuls into the crowd as if feeding chickens); children have been invited to go on to fairways and have their caps signed by the entire US team, to the crowd’s delight; yesterday I heard Phil Mickelson apologise about not signing anything on the putting green, but offering to do it when he’d done his nine holes. On the exciting signature-hole 13th (a dog-leg left with the green on an elevated island), Boo Weekley took his tee-shot to great applause, then took another couple of drives from the 2nd tee, purely for the entertainment of the masses, to see if he could reach the green. He even stooged about with an air shot.

Why all this strenuous courting of hearts and minds? Well, partly it may be the influence of southern good manners. Partly, of course, it is traditional gamesmanship. However, I have a personal theory that the captains for this 37th Ryder Cup – Nick Faldo and Azinger - have to be sociopaths who work so incredibly hard at being nice that they are powerless to judge when the PR thing has gone too far. “This nice enough for you?” they seem forever to be demanding, between gritted teeth.

Watching these two smile and smile and smile throughout this week’s press conferences has been incredibly creepy. You can almost hear the inner man (of both of them) muttering after each prepared, question-evading platitude, “Yeah, and you can kiss my ass backwards, too, you slimy little bastard.”

But if you can’t beat them, join them. So I did a bit of autograph hunting yesterday, just to feel part of the event. I even found myself yelling at Ian Poulter, “Ian! Ian! Please! Ian! Please! Don’t go! That’s a lovely outfit, by the way! Over here! Ian! Ian!” – something I never thought I’d do.

I did have something for the poor chap to sign, by the way – a bright-yellow 18th-hole flag, bought for $17 (about £9.30) in the Ryder Cup shop, cunningly attached to a bit of board to stop it flopping about.

Everywhere you looked, people had these flags, like enormous postcards, covered in interesting squiggles. These people had evidently spent a lot of time successfully yelling, “Boo! Boo! Please! Over here! Boo! Boo!” and “Stoo-art! Stoo-art! Sergio! Sergio! Padraig! Padraig!” And so on.

I ended up getting just one signature, from Soren Hansen – and I find I can look at this achievement two ways: either as a manifestation of my utter hopelessness as an autograph hunter, or (and I prefer this one) as a tribute to my well-known love of minimalism in all things. Less is more, that’s what I say. Another signature on this and, quite frankly, it would have been ruined.

Moreover, as my colleagues were quick to point out, by way of consolation – what if Hansen wins the Ryder Cup on Sunday with a fabulous, heroic chip or something? That’s a good point, isn’t it? A flag with just his name on it won’t look so rubbish then, I reckon. It will be worth a blooming fortune.

How the 2008 Ryder Cup was won

Follow the final day's play from Valhalla as the 37th Ryder Cup draws to a dramatic conclusion with today's singles matches

• Mission accomplished for United States

• Justin Rose's Ryder Cup diary: I'm heartbroken

• Analysis: misfiring big three cost Europe dear in Ryder Cup

Europe surrender under brilliant assault

The US reclaimed the Ryder Cup for first time since 1999 with a sustained performance in the singles matches at Valhalla

• Elementary approach pays off for J.B. Holmes

• Nick Faldo's bold approach backfires in failure to reclaim initiative from US

• Ryder Cup warning signs to watch out for

Multimedia

• The key moments, match by match

• Is Faldo to blame for Europe's defeat?

Related Links

• Azinger charm fails to hide short fuse

• Let the Ryder Cup begin, and be thankful

• Azinger happy to put cards on table