British athletes cannot blame their cufflinks and socks, or their tights and handbags, if they fail to perform in Beijing. In an astonishing commitment to detail, the BOA is kitting out competitors with everything from Capri pants to umbrellas at a cost of £3,500 per athlete.

Every piece of training gear and formal wear will be the perfect fit and the Team GB logo ubiquitous. Acknowledging that the women's formal black-heeled shoe would look rather silly with the red-and-blue British lion emblazoned across the toe, the BOA has instead printed it on the inside of the sole.

There are lots of hidden messages among the clothing, the aim being to send a subliminal code to every team member that they are on a glorious mission. The official pinstriped jacket has a red, white and blue lining and a gold-lettered inscription: “Inspired, proud, determined, passionate.” The less athletic among us could become breathless just analysing the various design quirks. The inside breast pockets boast miniature replica Olympic gold-medal buttons.

Women athletes will have to wear skirts for official functions, but this should not prompt too much in the way of feminist controversy. In Athens four years ago, the women had to wear trousers and most were jealous of the Princess Royal, who opted for a skirt and looked much smarter than they did.

“These people don't come in standard sizes,” Simon Clegg, the Team GB chef de mission, said as he held up a pair of shorts with a 54-inch waist. Clegg spoke of the huge efforts that went into creating “a size matrix”, which to the uninitiated probably translates as there will be some plump officials and very trim athletes travelling to China next month.

All 305 competitors will, by the time they jet off, have spent an hour at the NEC in Birmingham choosing their bandanas and sandals. Each individual has a designated packer, who squeezes their kit into three pieces of luggage for them to take home. There will be emergency vests and visors in Beijing, but no athlete has ever forgotten their bags before.

You may wonder what the point of painstakingly designed “power web” shorts is when the algae on the designated sailing venue in Qingdao Bay is at present so thick that you can walk on it. But the principle is to make the athletes feel special and reduce the annoyance that can be caused by having to dry your face on a towel that does not bear the correct insignia. Pride, the team's new, cuddly lion mascot, even has an impeccably stitched, removable tracksuit.

“We'll never reach Utopia,” Clegg said of his efforts to cater to every whim, but the Team GB horses have reached the promised land. They will fly business-class to China in a converted Boeing 707. Human competitors will be issued with Economy tickets. Very tall ones will not be upgraded, but instead will be allocated the roomier seats next to the emergency exits. Athletes can practise their China sleeping habits on the special issue “just like down” pillows, rather than actual down pillows. Presumably, the horses sleep on Egyptian cotton blankets.

Hanging on the peg, the formal wear looks a little tacky. A polyester, wool and elastacine mix tends to do that to a suit. However, if you slip a jacket on as I did, you realise how magical they really are. They are designed for extra comfort and movement given the muscular build of competitors and there is something comforting about their breathable, anti-wrinkle design. I could have stuffed it into my satchel and spirited it away, confident it would have unfurled beautifully later. I did not steal it. Very few parties have “Formal Olympic Attire” as their dress code.

One or two do, though, and Clegg was already planning the team's triumphant return, speaking of how useful the apparel will be for the receptions at Buckingham Palace and Downing Street. “The moment is coming,” Clegg said, and he wants what he called “the ultimate shopping experience without paying” to act as a small injection of adrenalin for the team.

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