HEROES
England’s cricketers Returning to India was a gesture the nation
could be proud of, though the same can’t be said of the actual cricket . . .
.
Becky Adlington A fearsome, ruthless competitor in the water. Lovely,
well-balanced and unassuming on land.
Lewis Hamilton He didn’t make things easy for himself but he did it.
And who would have bet on there being a black Formula One champion and US
President-elect in the same year?
Usain Bolt Because we must believe he’s genuine.
Fabio Capello At last, the first England manager since Sir Alf Ramsey
who understands the stick as well as the carrot. And extra marks to Caps for
stopping everyone referring to each other by silly nicknames.
Sir Allen Stanford Yes, he’s a flash Yank who doesn’t understand our
ways and who should keep away from our women, but he loves what he thinks is
cricket and (unless the silly authorities alienate him) puts his
not-insubstantial money where his not-insubstantial mouth is.
Timmy Murphy The consummate Grand National ride on Comply Or Die and
for putting his life back in order post-prison and for not liking a drink as
much as he once did.
Michael Phelps Reassuring proof that consuming 12,000 calories a day
need not make you fat. Good swimmer, too.
Christian Prudhomme Tour de France director whose three-year tenure has
been distinguished by a relatively serious attempt to purge cycling of
doping. He may not succeed but each journey must begin with a first step.
Phil Brown Hull City won’t be relegated, they’ve passed teams off the
park, they’ve brought new joy to the Premier League and they’ve given Dean
Windass a game.
Paul Sturrock The Plymouth Argyle manager for refusing sympathy for his
Parkinson’s disease. “I just feel it should be in the background.”
The Williams sisters For a Wimbledon final as competitive and fiercely
contested as a men’s match.
Britain’s cyclists At last a discipline Britain excels at that
isn’t darts, snooker or bowls.
Durham They won the County Championship for the first time. Not that
anyone noticed.
Andy Murray Only a little bit petulant this year. In 2009 he’ll win a
Grand Slam final.
Sheffield Wednesday players Paid their own rail fare to draw at Crystal
Palace rather than take the coach. More surprising still, none of them got
lost.
Paula Radcliffe She won the New York marathon and she, er, finished in
the Olympics.
Chris Hoy He can ride a bike faster than any man in the world.
Joe Calzaghe Still unbeaten after 46 fights. If he retired now,
everything would be perfect. Go on, you know it makes sense . . .
Joe Kinnear Oh how we laughed when he emerged on Tyneside looking and
sounding for all the world like a sweary Womble. We’re not laughing now,
except at his strangely multicoloured hair, of course.
Maria Sharapova Because of her tennis. What other reason could there
possibly be?
Jimmy Bullard His return from serious injury kept Fulham in the Premier
League; his form took him into the England squad and his demeanour suggests
a man who loves what he does.
Tony McCoy Champion National Hunt jockey. For the 13th consecutive
year. Unlucky for everyone else, especially those jockeys smaller and
thinner than him, i.e. almost all of them.
VILLAINS
Roy Keane When the going gets tough, the tough are meant to get going.
But not in that sense, Keano.
ITV For dropping the Boat Race; for not understanding how to present
football; for preferring Steve Rider to Jim Rosenthal and Matt Smith; for
hastening the FA Cup’s demise by their shoddy coverage; for the mistimed
advertisements in Formula One and then losing the rights; for ignoring
cricket; for burying their Football League highlights programme; for
pretending the Champions League group stages are interesting.
Britain’s Olympic track and field team Apart from Christine “they
can think what they like” Ohuruogu. Oh . . .
John Daly Getting less cuddly and less funny by the year. This time
during an Australian Open round of 78 he threw a fan’s camera at a tree.
“John was a little annoyed,” mused tournament director Trevor Herden. Grow
up.
Russell Brand Stop writing (badly) about football. Roy Hodgson doesn't
insist on being a moderately amusing stand-up comedian, now does he?
Ashley Timms Former Manchester City trainee jailed for 20 months for
blackmailing a Premier League star over photos that some people would
describe as “sexy”. The court, however, described them as “incriminating”.
Bradley Saunders The boxer who said he was glad to lose in the Olympics
because he was homesick.
Danny Cipriani Dropped from the England squad for “inappropriate
behaviour”, swore on the BBC when he did play; had a training ground fight
with Wasps teammate Josh Lewsey. Returned to the England team and was then
dropped for hopelessness. And that’s before we mention Kelly Brook, and the
“woman”.
Thorsten Legat The former Werder Bremen defender was fined €1,000 for
attacking a gang of kids outside a McDonald’s. With the samurai sword he
just happened to have with him at the time.
England’s rugby union team Sneaking to second place in the Six
Nations momentarily obscured the shambles to come. But what a shambles it
was.
England’s rugby league team Beating Papua New Guinea was as good
as it got in the World Cup. A record World Cup defeat by Australia was as
bad as it’s ever been.
Joey Barton Obviously and literally.
Andy Carroll The Newcastle striker accepted a police caution for
assaulting a woman at 2.26am after he’d spent the evening distributing
mulligatawny soup to the poor. Only joking. He was outside a nightclub.
Sylvan Ebanks-Blake Arrested - and later fined £2,500 - in Plymouth for
hitting a bouncer with his girlfriend’s handbag. And what was the bouncer
bouncing? That’s correct, a nightclub.
Whoever decided to name Team GB, Team GB
WORST EXCUSES
‘We dived in feet first and then came unstuck’ Kevin
Pietersen on losing to the Stanford Superstars.
‘If you want to run with the big dogs, you’ve got to lift a leg’
South Africa rugby union coach Peter de Villiers after losing to the All
Blacks.
‘The players and some FA officials have been entertaining women in the
camp, some of them are drinking and they’re not focused to play any more.
The national team means nothing to them when they have so much money’
Romanian Premier League boss Dumitru Dragomir, explaining the 3-0 defeat by
Lithuania.
‘A psychological malfunction’ Switzerland manager Ottmar
Hitzfeld, justifying his team’s defeat by mighty Luxembourg.
‘We are not going to make any excuses. We need to look at ourselves’
Straight-talking England rugby league coach Tony Smith after losing 52-4 to
Australia in the World Cup group stages. England still qualified for the
semi-final.
FOOTBALL AWARDS
Best Young Manager In Britain Paul Ince (August)
Worst Young Manager In Britain Paul Ince (December)
The Harry Kewell/Bruno Cheyrou/ Mark Gonzalez Liverpool’s Money Well Spent
Award Robbie Keane. See also Andrea Dossena.
The Sven-Göran Eriksson Manchester United And Manchester City Are The Same
Team, Aren’t They? Award Jointly, Robinho, Jo and Sheikh Mansour.
Modest Footballer Of The Year Anton Ferdinand describing his favourite
possession: “The picture that Michael Jordan signed, saying it was a
privilege to meet me.”
The Christopher Biggins Unamusing Drama Queen Award William Gallas, for
petulantly sitting out the penalty at St Andrew’s and for being as able a
captain as Pugwash.
Christmas Party Of The Year Clitheroe FC’s, which ended in a 20-man
brawl. Three were arrested. “We won’t tolerate anybody bringing the club
into disrepute,” thundered manager Neil Reynolds.
So farewell then: 2008 goodbyes
Justine Henin Bid a teary adieu to tennis during her 117th consecutive
week as world number one. ‘I have experienced everything I possibly could
have,’ she blubbed
Lawrence Dallaglio Retired from rugby a Premiership champion for the
fifth time with Wasps. Didn’t do badly with England, either
Teddy Sheringham Cool predator in the penalty area and in some of the
country’s finest nightclubs, who was still playing aged 40. Now likely to be
seen around the poker tables of Essex
Darren Gough Played in 58 Tests for England, taking 229 wickets
including a hat-trick in Sydney, but famous with most of the public as the
third Strictly Come Dancing champion
Annika Sorenstam The Tiger Woods of women’s golf retired, as the winner
of 10 majors, but failed in her mission to make the cut in a men’s
tournament
Floyd Mayweather Jr Unbeaten and pound-for-pound boxing’s finest when
he quit in June, apparently forgoing $20m for a rematch with Oscar de la
Hoya. Ricky Hatton says he wants another crack at him. For your sake, Ricky,
let’s hope he says no
Adam Gilchrist Bowlers everywhere breathed a sigh of relief when the
hard-hitting Aussie keeper announced his retirement in January
Romario ‘I always wanted to end the way I began - without anyone
noticing,’ said the Brazilian World Cup-winner in March. Nothing to do with
testing positive for a banned substance, then
Lies, damned lies and Ian Poulter’s claims to greatness: Quotes of the year
‘I want to play for Chelsea, as I have told the Real Madrid president, coach
and sporting director. I don’t know what more I can do as Chelsea have made
a great effort to sign me’ Robinho, before moving to Manchester City
‘Chelsea made a great proposal and I accepted’ Robinho, after
moving to Manchester City
‘My wife wouldn’t let me retire. She kicks me out of the door at 7am every
morning. She’s quite a formidable person’ Sir Alex Ferguson
contemplates retirement
‘They say fags and booze are bad for you, but I’m still here’ Buster
Martin, aged 101, immediately after running a half marathon
‘They fabricated everything, including my interview. Martin Taylor never came
to the hospital and, above all, he never apologised to me’ Arsenal’s
Eduardo on his first postinjury tabloid ‘interview’
‘I saw him at a service station toilet after the game and told him he made a
howler’ West Ham boss Gianfranco Zola finds a novel location to
discuss his team’s defeat at Watford with referee Peter Walton. Let’s hope
they shook hands afterwards . . .
‘I am religious and I take the Bible everywhere with me. There are many good
pieces of advice for those like me in the Bible’ Dimitar Berbatov,
forgetting Proverbs 3:3 (‘Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you;
bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart’), as he
cuckolded Tottenham
‘The trouble is I don’t rate anybody else’ The
ever-modest Ian Poulter. At that very moment, the eyebrows of a certain Mr
Woods were seen to rise
‘I do not think I am the best coach in the world but I also don’t believe
there is anyone in the world who is better than me’ Jose Mourinho,
always the bride, never the bridesmaid
‘Money can be a burden. That’s why I got stressed last year. I had a massive
house that I couldn’t control or clean’ Joe Cole’s wag Carly
Zucker, poor lamb
‘A homosexual cannot do the job of a footballer. The football world is not
designed for them. It’s a special world in which you stand naked under the
showers’ Erstwhile Juventus general manager Luciano Moggi, who may
yet stand naked in the showers of an Italian jail
‘You are out of order. Absolutely f****** out of order. If you do it again, I
am telling you that you can f*** off and go to another ground. I will not
stand for that f****** crap. No f****** way’ Cuddly Joe Kinnear
offers a warm welcome to the Tyneside press corps
‘I got a nice crystal vase, which I’ll keep on my mantelpiece and hopefully
show my kids one day. I’m glad I did it and, even though I took a bit of
friendly banter over it, the whole thing was a great experience’ Notts
County’s Neil MacKenzie finally lands a trophy after appearing on Countdown
