10) Jurgen Klinsmann (Down)
Here is a man whose pomp saw him somersaulting around in a manner that should surely merit a thank you note from Angela Merkel (Well, if Jenson gets one from the PM for having the fastest car). He pitched up this week on Sky Sports after Liverpool's defeat to give his thoughts on football. Should Beckham go to the World Cup asked Oliver Reed in Curse of the Werewolf garb (sorry, it was Richard Keys). "No comment," Klinsmann replied, evidently missing a fundamental point of punditry.

9) The Champions League (Down)
No, not that one. We are talking about the cricket one. You know, the one with made-up teams and ridiculous names like Victoria Bushrangers (not a dodgy nightclub act as it turns out). No? You don't know? Could be the problem.

8) Gareth Southgate (Down and out)

Steve Gibson is widely acknowledged to be the best chairman to have behind you, but with friends like him who needs enemas? There was a time when it seemed Bryan Robson could sign the bloke from the paper shop and adopt a formation not seen since the Battle of the Little Bighorn and survive. So poor old Gareth, one of football's good eggs, bit the bullet when a point off the top. Karma for that pizza advert?

7) Sir Alex Ferguson (Down)
A briefing might suggest brevity, but Sports Watch's favourite crimson docker-cum-prima donna this week stormed out of a meeting with journalists. "Silly question," he said. He doesn't know the half of it. In fact, Fergie should have been at the Masters in 2006 when one US hack, neither Woodward nor Bernstein before you ask, asked how Tiger Woods' dog was. Maybe they have it right. I mean, does anyone even know if Fergie has a dog? Is it some sort of cross?

6) Birmingham (New entry)

The USA have decided to base themselves in the second city for its pre-2012 training camp. Now it seems Jamaica may follow because the city council has let Usain Bolt's brother sling a few balls down at Edgbaston. Decrying the place as decaying, one critic said there was "nothing in the middle but fast food joints." Given Bolt's preparation for three golds in Beijing involved lots of chicken nuggets, that may just swing it.

5) The Champions League (Up)

Supposedly as predictable as a Ray Wilkins square ball, the football version made for fantastic fare this week. Top of the bill was Rubin Kazan's victory over Barcelona. The Russians used to be known as Rubin TAN until a consortium led by Phil Brown and Dale Winton tried to buy the club. Football remains the only sport where the best team regularly loses.

4) Rafael Benitez (Non-mover)

Sports Watch does not go in for all this Rafa-mugging. The fact is Steven Gerrard is as fundamental to Liverpool as Ken Dodd and the toilets at The Philharmonic. And, lest we forget, Liverpool have been also-rans for two decades and people were calling for Rafa's head at half-time of the Miracle of Istanbul too. A non-mover surely.

3) Graeme Swann (Up)

The England spinner cemented his star status when backing sex before cricket with the view that this was "the kind of forward thinking the game needs." Now he is the undisputed king of Twitter. Recent missives involve 14 dead mice, women being made to wear milkmaid outfits and knocking off the wing mirror of a chavved up Renault 5. Better than Stephen Fry and a national treasure.

2) Jenson Button (New entry)

We love Jenson Button, the new Formula One world champion, but can't help hankering for the days when he was a fully-fledged playboy. In the old days, Button’s father was quoted as saying his son was “auditioning for a new girlfriend” and favoured the chat-up line: “I’m going to Monaco to look at flats, want to come?” Now he leaves his victory party early. The game's gone.

1) Beth Tweddle (New entry)

We love Beth Tweddle too. "Jenson Button got one but I haven't," she said of the lack of a congratulatory message from Downing Street after she, too, became a world champion. "I'm clearly not important enough." Now Gordon Brown is writing to Beth just in time for the postal strike. Sports Watch, meanwhile, gives her top billing because she did it without a double diffuser.

Explore More Sport

• Athletics

• Boxing

• Cycling

• Sailing

• US Sport